You've Been Pixied

Keep busy

2012-01-15T07:26:00.000-08:00

I feel so good, in fact I haven't felt this good in a long long time. On my last check up for the hysterectomy I told my surgeon, " I don't know what you did or took out or fixed but whatever it was, THANK YOU!!" He said to his assistant in the room, "I'm picking up on some good vibes on this one." I think that's Dr speak for he could tell it was a success!!

I feel terrific, lots of energy. None of the nasty moods and depressions they told me might happen at sudden onset Menopause from the surgery, nope. I'm feeling amazing!!!

I'm loving the vegetarian diet too. I'm eating a bit more cheeses than I'd like, so have to cut back. Its just a matter of eating out really, the only vegetarian foods accessible when I eat out it seems is cheese laden pastas. Or saucy cheesy pastas. With cheese. Or cheesy casadillas stuffed with cheese. Oh they are all yummy and filling but they don't just fill up my stomach, they fill up my butt and thighs too and make me queasy with their too much cheesy. So I have to go back more to the soups and the steamed veggies I like to make and stay out of the restaurants.

I've been so busy. Painting commissioned paintings, getting a calendar ready and out there of my paintings and doing some charity work. Taking my son places and visiting and organizing and just being busy at work and home. Its all been fantastic and great. The busier I am the better.

Time goes faster, I feel better, my son is with me and is helping so it feels like old times. Happier times.

The weather has been glorious and that helps too.

I do however feel the mid life crisis feeling. That feeling of oh my gosh what is all this for feeling. A friend was talking about how they might pack up and move to this small cabin of a house not too far from here but definitely in the boonies and I kept thinking of how I'd love the peace from that. Just peace and quiet. If I owned a bazillion dollars I would do that. Well no that's not true. If I owned a bazillion bucks I'd buy a Barnes and Nobles and a Michael's store and I'd live in the book store and go visit my other one every day. I'd invite you and we'd do crafts all day and then go to my home at night and have coffee and pastries and read books all night!

THAT would be my dream.

Checkup and TMI

2011-12-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

Well its been a long time coming so here is the update: I Have gone through quite the year since last December when I last got off the Radiation Van and walked to my car for the last time. Its hard to believe its been a full year; it seems so long ago.
Time has gone by swiftly.

I have had several great checkups with all good news: no breast cancer signs!!

This is the news everyone wants to hear, especially those asking me "so How are you doing".

But the journey hasn't been all that smooth and I still have long strides ahead.

Let me explain:

My last chemo session was in May; just a week before my son graduated from high school. It wasn't all the chemo meds the last session; just one and it was the mild one that only gave me allergy type symptoms; headachey, sinus pressure, runny nose, bloody noses but nothing severe or nauseous making. I was so relieved to be done!!

It was joyous saying good bye to the nurses and fully embracing the finality of getting through a years worth of chemo and radiation!!! VICTORY!!

But there was so much to be done for graduation and my family all arriving to visit that I had no time to relax and rest and just absorb that I was done and I could heal.
The flurry of the May/June's activities completely wiped me out and I was whipped and sad and really really wanted to savour the summer since I really hadn't been able to enjoy anything for so long and I wanted every single last minute my son was to be home to be memorable. Basically I wanted to float through the summer and get rejuvenated.

Well that wasn't to be.

I had relatives and staying visitors all the rest of the summer right up until a few days before we had to bring my son to his dorm for his new adventure. So many people, so much to do to prepare; so much to do as hostess; so much activity.

I was really seething inside and finally exploded with anger one night. I actually felt menopausal with my instantaneous eruption. But I hadn't had any kind of a cycle since starting the chemo so that was out of the question since my oncologist told me that I probably would never cycle again and I should desperately hope not to since that would be hormonal and show that my body was developing all those female hormones that I wouldn't want since my cancer feeds on hormones. It would bode bad things. But it sure felt like that. It felt like PMS. That out of control unreasonable fury.

I continued to feel angry/bitter/overwhelmed and completely over my head with resentment while packing my son up and doing all the last minute worrying, sorting, packing and organizing. Dealing with visitors in and out. I was really out of sorts about it all.

The day we moved my son in to his college dorm room I was a mess; Oh I didn't show it on the outside that day; but inside I was a mess.

It was about 107* with a high humidity index where his school is. The emotions and heat and exhaustion was overwhelming. I thought I was just way exaggerating the moment and really thought I was going to have a panic attack. Just before we left to take him, I started a period. I hadn't had one in a year!!! I surely was experiencing PMS!!

Needless to say I was freaked out and panicked and the day was spent in this emotional haze that cant be explained. I didn't say a word.

I finally broke down and told my husband on the way home.

I called and made an appointment with my oncologist after the weekend and of course he shook his head and said this was not good. It prompted him to send me for genetic testing which is this amazing process by which they take a blood sample and send it away to this testing laboratory. they actually extract DNA and test it for all the genes and chromosomes that predisposition people to some disease; in my case only hormonal cancers.

Yes it came back positive and that news has sent me on a whirlwind of doctors visits; specialists and yadda yadda yadda.

Boil it all down to this; I tested positive for BRCA 2. Which means that I am predisposed to certainly having breast or ovarian cancer. Well I already had breast cancer so that means that within 5 years I most certainly will have it again.

I had testing and biopsies and yes, my body miraculously healed itself and fought to start producing again.

Prescription: have all areas removed that are certain to get cancer.

Yes that means ovaries, fallopian tubes and breasts.

I had the hysterectomy 3 weeks ago. It was a smooth and easy surgery; it was all done with three small insicions and I am doing great. Healing was easy. When you take the ovaries out it throws a body into instant menopause. I will be ok with that. During chemo it does too so I'm pretty well accustomed to the symptoms. It'll be ok.

Now I just need to recover and figure out which route of reconstruction I want to do for the next stage of surgery and then schedule the next one. I am so not certain how I want to proceed with reconstruction and my brain balks at even thinking about it.

But yet this is all I think about.

I wake up in the night thinking about it.

I cant stop thinking about it.

It is too huge for my brain to absorb.

I don't want to be thinking about this.

But if I do this it reduces my chances to less than 2% of getting any of these cancers and I have to do it.

So I must think about this; and I must do this!

I want to see my son grow and flourish and have children and I want to retire and go on old peoples cruises.

I want to clean dentures with those fizzy pills and pick out tennis balls for my walker.

I want to join the mall walkers senior club so that I can go have coffee and cinnabun every morning.

I want to grow old and die in my sleep naturally with my kids, grand kids and great grand kids around me.

Relay for Life

2011-04-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Today was Relay for life in our local town. I got a letter a few months ago declaring it was coming up and to gear up the local American Cancer Society was hosting a dinner for Survivors.

I didnt want to go but a fellow radiation van rider asked me if I was going to the dinner as she was going so I forced myself to go. She never showed up but my son went with me as a support.

It was a really lovely evening with raffle prizes, a nice pasta dinner and they did a wonderful job on decorations and so many volunteers and helpers and donations that you just felt really overwhelmed with gratitude and hope.
Which is the purpose.

Then today was the Big Day. Relay for Life. Started by a man who walked around a race track like at a track meet to raise money that other folks pledged to him if he walked this track 24 hours. He donated all the money to cancer research. That is what started it and now its swept the nation and there are teams of people that go and collect donations and then walk the track. They set up booths and donate baked goods and homemade craft items and donate that money too, its all so generous and wonderful of so many people.

Before the teams begin their walk, they have first a Survivors walk and then a Caregivers walk. They give all the survivors a purple t shirt and we walk once around the track. On the next walk around, our caregivers join us and we make one more round of the track. All the while folks are cheering and clapping and calling out encourageing words. My son walked the Caregiver lap with me, he gave me such a warm and really wonderful heartfelt hug when it was over, one of those hugs you will never forget.

It was one of those really tight squeezes that last an extra moment and in that hug was all that he meant and all the words he couldnt say at that moment. I could feel his love and encouragement and how proud he was of me. He quick pecked me on the cheek and in the moment it was over and he went scampering off to go meet up with his friends to go pick up their prom tickets. I was so happy for that typical momemt. It means life is good, normal and all is healthy and on track.

They had a special breakfast for survivors. Local restaraunts all donate food and that was a nice treat and they give everyone raffle tickets and during breakfast they raffle off gifts. Gift baskets, homemade pillows, inspirational books. I really want to put together some baskets for next time, they were so fun. I didnt win anything but my seatmate next to me did and she gave me a book out of her basket, its called Chicken Soup for the Mother with inspirational stories in it.

The energy was good, the whole thing was uplifting.

It just filled me with an amazing boost of energy, of hope and of such gratefulness.

It was a glorious day.

Stress Reducer

2011-03-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

This following tale is not one I'm proud of but one I need to get off my chest.

It reflects poorly on me but it was a really important step in continuing my life.

Every since my child could talk he wanted a dog. Pleaded for a Scottie dog. His Dad doesn't like pets and said no......Until one day we were coming out of the shopping mall to leave a little cute girl with a cardboard box of dogs begged us to take one of her cute puppies home because her Dad told her she couldn't come home until they were gone. The dog grew in three months to a giant Rottweiler/German Sheppard mix as best as the vet could tell. It knocked us down and tore up trees roots and all and my husband gave it away to the lawn service guys who loved that dog. They have a ranch outside of town and wanted a big ol guard dog. Happy ending for all.

Years went by and my son continued to beg. He wanted a real dog. He said real dogs are like Scottie dogs, small and you can hug them. He begs and pleads and his Dad practically turns purple each time he asks he just wont hear of it. Then friends of ours say that they found a dog, an adorable sweet dog wandering in front of their home and its trained and sweet but they already have dogs and their big dogs don't like the little dog and they have to keep them all separated and the husband says to take the found dog to the pound. On the final day of the dogs life she begs me to go get it. I beg my husband and he says finally with huge sighs that I may go to the pound and get that dog and ONLY that one dog. I go to save the dog and it turns out that our friends husband relents and she already has picked it back up.
But OF COURSE they show me the other dogs all locked up and I swear to you by all that is true that they look at you with these huge "save me" eyes and you HAVE to take one home if not two or twenty. I bent down to pet them and this little black dog leaps right into my arms and rubs her nose on my cheek like kisses. We bring her home, and she proceeds to turn into a Tasmanian devil and rips our drapes to shreds, tears up the couch, ruins the carpet with determined defecating with vengeance. We brought her to the vet and the vet says the dog must have been abandoned and it has issues. You think??. The vet advises that we get one or two more little dogs to help this one live in a "pack" and she would be calm and relax and not want to "get back" at humans for the past. My husband about freaked out and demanded we find a new home. I did. I gave it to a family who had two little dogs and were looking for a third. They loved her and it was a good match. Happy ending for all.

Years go by and soon my son is begging again. This time I really want another dog too, I just really missed the last one and I had loved that little black dog even if she was a devil in cute doggies clothing. So I chime in. This time surprisingly my husband is not as adamant but he is weary worn in his listening. He says the only dog he would even consider is a white dog. A Maltese. We went to every rescue we could to search. We scoured the newspaper and penny saver ads. We became hunters. My husband went out of town for a couple of weeks (this is 5 years ago) and we see an ad in the paper for the PERFECT dog! A new puppy this lady had to get rid of as her dog had puppies and she couldn't keep them and had one left.

We fell in love with this little ball of white fur. It was really young and cute and we carried it in our arms. I spent hours training the dog, and took it to puppy class even. He was a really quick learner. But he had hip and knee problems and then allergies. Pretty soon I was taking the dog to the vet every three months for shots and medicine and pain pills. Then we spent two years trying different dog foods to try to modify its diet because it was allergic to everything, even rubbing on our clothes would make him break out and we discovered he was allergic to fabric softener. Because of this he was a miserable dog. He was grouchy and didn't like kids. Didn't like other dogs, didn't like to be petted anywhere except on the top of his head and his belly scratched. Anywhere else and he'd likely bite you. He bit me hard once when I was putting medicine on him and after that I was leery of him. Its never a good thing to hate your own dog but that is exactly what I did. I hated that dog and all the fussing it took to care for him. My son never liked the dog to begin with and my husband felt that we betrayed him by getting a dog while he was out of town. He said that just because he said he would consider that kind of dog didn't mean we could have one without him being there to approve.

So for 5 years I insisted that we care for this mess of a dog with its poo balls, and diarrhea and runny eyes and biting teeth and red oozing skin because it was a responsibility and I just couldn't bear to again give another dog away like we were failures. So we kept it. Kept paying the vet to give him allergy shots (2$ a day) and special food and special salve and we got it to where with much care we managed to keep him going without all the sores and misery, then I got cancer and they told me the one unifying thing in breast cancer studies is the amount of stress the women are under.

With a heavy heart I determined that one of my greater stresses of life was this dog. I finally conceded that its not necessary to torture myself or this family any longer with the misery it is to keep this dog.Its been a year in trying to find the perfect home for him but finally a family looking for a little dog called and we met them and we told them all about the food and how they would have to care for him and they really didn't mind. We gave them a 25lb bag of his special food, his special bed, his salve, and all his toys and things and bid him well. I told them that if it didn't turn out to be what they wanted that they would have to be responsible to pass him on or bring him to a shelter. Breaks my heart to admit that. I am the rescuer not the relinquish er.

Our family life has improved 1000% without the dog. The amount of relief is palpable. Every day is like a joy to wake up and not have to deal with that grouch. As a huge pet lover it was really sad to have to realize how much I resented him.How much my husband hated having that dog and how much happier we would be once he was gone.

I feel like I've let the pet lovers down. We havent really told anyone, just whomever comes over and asks what happened to our dog. So there, now you know another reason I'm enjoying life now. But its with a bit of guilt.

And the lesson learned? Third time is NOT always the charm.

One Year Today

2011-03-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

No one in my family or even any of my friends realized it but today was one year since my surgery to remove the cancer.

Its been quite the journey. Not a bad journey, not really a good journey but a life changing journey to be sure. There were devastating moments and there were some sick moments and a few pain filled moments but the things that I thought were going to be the worst weren't and the things I thought would be no big deal turned out to be bigger than I thought. Most moments were ok. I guess that is the surprise in this cancer journey. I had little physical pain....mostly overwhelming exhaustion.

My prognosis is good, my tumor markers are good, I'm almost done with going to the chemo room and getting my infusions....I have two sessions left. I'm so happy to hear the great news and yet.......There are still moments where my heart freezes and my eyes get wide, a flush of searing heat goes through me and I'm filled with terror. Terror of the 'what if'. Then the moment passes and life goes on just like a swift river and I have to run to catch up and I forget about the terror. I have been really redirecting my mind when it wants to dwell on the what ifs. I cant live a life filled with terror.

But mostly......mostly this journey has filled me with the power to voice my desires, my wants, my needs and to speak up when I feel slighted, or wronged and that is the surprise to me. I used to be filled with gumption as they used to say in the old days.......then I got passive and became almost a martyr with my overwhelming desire to avoid confrontation. Over the years I changed from brazen to whispy voiced and then I carried life's responsibilities like burdens; well more like stones upon my back.

Weary with the crushing responsibility to do everything for everyone every day and all the time. Rushing here and there, going and doing and then running and rushing and just running myself ragged all in the unrealistic wish to be the perfect wife, mom, manager, bookkeeper, cleaner, washer, volunteer, working woman, partner, lover, listener, and woman. I juggled so many things like cooking old fashioned meals every night and yet rushing home to excersize to look well and being a cool mom and have
good balanced homelife and a house with with discipline and yet wholesome attention doing all the work stuff and school stuff and still be that old fashioned wife who was above reproach. And I did it all very well.
I was proud of how I managed it all.
Proud of my crazy blurry life.

This journey into the world of cancer has halted all that in its tracks and made me voice to others that that life I led is just ridiculous and got me NOWHERE and if the risk is to loose my life than I want to live life in a relaxed normal manner that lets me BREATH. Do you know that sometimes I wouldn't even get a chance to go to the bathroom all day or two days until I'd crawl into bed at night and be sick to my lower stomach and realize I really needed to use the restroom? That kind of living is nuts. And I lived like that and STILL felt like I wasn't doing enough.

Its taken one year for my family to realize that I'm not like before. They still want me to be. But I'm not going to do that again.

Do you know what it was like? It was like I was in one of those whirlpooly things in the drain when you let the wash water out in the sink and its twirling down the drain. But cancer was the stopper and it stopped me from draining away and now I have a chance to live life nicely. In pace. With grace and peace.

I've been painting and relaxing and taking naps and watching TV and cooking and meeting friends for coffee and lunch and taking time with my son. I even signed up for a class at the local craft store and paid for it and went and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I've gone to a jazz music night with a friend. I went and had a makeover in a department store cosmetic counter. I have been easing back into real living and I don't intend to stop. I will even insist on growing some vegetables this summer!

Next on the agenda is to get my son properly graduated, enjoy the summer properly and then see him off to school and then figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Pudge. Bloop. Pooch.

2011-01-16T10:42:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, its the middle of January. Its that time again when all the guilt of the past two and a half months of jolly eating starts chiming in my head. I always say I'm not going to care, just enjoy each morsel. Then January 15th rolls around and I have that bloated pooch and the bloop hanging over the waist band and pudge everywhere else and then I feel bad. But this year I noticed that I was feeling a little bit of something else too. Defiance of that guilty feeling.

I also realized that I bought Pop Tarts. Now when you are a 46 year old secreting away a box of pop tarts then you KNOW you have to stop and rethink things. heh.
I realized when I was rethunking... I've been rewarding myself. I 've been eating even more sweets and breads and goodies with a feeling that "oh well, I deserve this since I've had such a rough time".

Thats never good.

I wish I loved the taste of carrots. Rewarding ones self with carrot sticks would be so much nicer to talk about and I wouldnt feel so guilty and POOCHED. I wonder if I dipped carrots in chocolate if that would help?

Boots to my soul

2011-01-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got a new pair of boots. The process made me feel like a Princess. It was all in how it went 'down' as they say.

Here is the back story.
I have a husband who is amazing. He works hard, is a good provider, has solid loyalty for his family and takes care of many and has a huge heart and can be extraordinarily generous. I have many faults so I am not nit picking but the one fault that hurts me the most is that he has a hard time picking or buying me gifts. He gets almost angry and bitter about the process. When I first got diagnosed with cancer my son suggested that I should get a gift to make me feel better after surgery.....its a very inside family traditional 'joke' of sorts that when he was a child I'd get his mind off of shots or blood work or surgeries by making him think of a gift he wanted after it was done.....the size of gift corresponded to how big the procedure would be........so he told his Dad that I needed a BIG gift. My husband was irritated and grouchy when they went to go get this gift, (my son told me he was pevish and couldnt think of anything so told my son to think of something)They bought me a Wii.

Now here I am with surgery done on one side immobilizing my left side and then on the right they inserted a pic line with is an IV with a tube threaded in my artery on my right side. NOT ABLE TO USE ARMS. Wii is athletic and the use of arms very much needed. I of course was thrilled with the gift and watched my son play it.

At times during this past year I would well up inside with anger and be really bitter because I received no flowers, no cards and no little encouraging presents to cheer up my days as I thought I should get. I would do that for them and have done that for them when they've been ill or had surgeries. It really made me hateful sometimes. Not for long but if I would get mad this subject comes to mind and then I get madder. Not reasonable I know, but there ya go......its the truth. I like little reminders that a person has thought of me. But my husband is incapable of understanding this and really cant fathom why this matters. His love is huge he says and he has given me a nice house and we eat out and I drive the truck of my dreams and we go on vacations. He views these as gifts. Huge gifts. He feels that I should float on the feeling of the huge gift and not worry about stupid things like cards and flowers. He usually has employees or my son pick gifts or cards. Its not that he is trying to be callous, he just has no imagination or patience for it.

I have been on the quest for black suede flat heeled boots to wear with jeans or leggings since 2005. Every time he asks what I want I tell him: flat black suede boots. I have received blue suede shoes, 5 inch high heeled sparkling brown boots to wear to a night club if I ever could stand up longer than 5 minutes in them and went to night clubs, I received high heeled black slipper shoes with rhinestones but no flat black suede boots. I bought myself some brown winter boots but couldn't find black ones the day I needed to buy these boots. I have shown the brown ones to my husband saying "If you ever want to buy me something, I need these in black." I received beige shoes. I think he goes with it in his mind but somehow he sees sparkle and goes for the sparkle.

Yesterday we went to someones house to visit and I wore high heels thinking that I would only be sitting in the car and sitting there so the prettiness factor could outweigh the comfortability factor in my choice of shoes. Do you do that too? Figure out what you will be doing to figure out what shoes, then figure out the outfit to go with the shoes? Well yesterday I calculated that I wouldn't be walking.

We left their house and on the way home my husband on a whim decides to go to the nearest 3 level shopping mall "to walk around and see what has changed". Well as you can imagine my heart plummeted right down to those nasty heels and no support and I said, "I don't know how much walking I can do, but lets start" and then halfway through I said I couldn't go any more and my husband became truly sorrowful and he felt bad and said, "you know what, lets go to the department store and get you some black flat boots, you've always wanted some. " Now this people was amazing that he actually said that, and that he remembered the boots and then that he'd ACT on it.
Then we went to the nearest large dept store and I got the boots!!! And they are so cute, cuter than anything I've ever seen, they even have laces on the back. And he took my shoes and put them in the box and told the lady to let me wear the boots out!!

Boots to sooth the soul!

And my ouchy feet.

New Year

2011-01-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

So the New Year rolled in and its already speeding by......I cannot believe how fast time is flying. All things considered, that is a good thing when going through cancer treatments but not good when your son is biting at the bit to grow up, be gone, fly the coop and be independant. I want time to slow down like in the Matrix movies...slow motion shots of all the good times. He wants it to speed up and be at college already.

Oh dont be mistaken that he is after higher learning already..oh no! He cant wait to live in a dorm, live the college life and experience life without mom hovering over him. I can understand that and want him to have that but it still hurts and I will miss him and worry over him and it will be my undoing when we drop him off at his new home.

Yes I know there will be fun times and that this is what I've been preparing him for since birth but it is still hard. Just sayin'.

Things feel so great now that I'm done with Radiation. I only have chemo once every three weeks and its only Herceptin which reportedly has few if any side effects except rarely. I'm one of those rare people but the side effect on my is like a cold/flu for 3 days so that is NOTHING compared to the ten months before so IM GOOD TO GO!

Now I sit and wait for spring which is "my" season and I cannot wait for it to roll around this year!!

Hope all had a safe and happy and wonderful Holiday with thier families. I say 'safe' since the world has experienced the weirdest weather patterns and I hope all are safe and warm and snug and dry!!

Enjoy the beginning of this great year to come!!!

Addicted

2010-12-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my husband brought me to Radiation.

I look forward to when he brings me because it means a nice lunch out, just the two of us. I really like that.

Yesterday I had several appointments so couldnt ride the "Party Bus".On these extra appointment days he takes off from work and takes me.

The whole dang day all I did was talk about the bus, talk about the driver, talk about the Party goers and talk about how it is to be in the waiting room waiting for treatment. Like they were family. And I desperately missed them.

How odd is that that I'm addicted to my Party bus? I hate that stupid van and I hate the whole thing but now I see that since its become my world that when I was away from it yesterday I fretted over missing something while I was away. I realized I identify with them more than my family or friends and I feel more comfortable there. This little bit of personal trivia makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I cant wait to see the people and the driver and that is just odd. Heartbreaking but understandable.

And now I realize the truth of all those tv reports and investigations saying that prisoners feel lost and abandoned when they are released back out into the world and want to go back in.

Oh lord please erase this latest bit from my mind. Please please please dont let my mind absorb this and take it as fact.

The Party Bus

2010-12-01T07:35:00.000-08:00

The Party Bus is really a utility van with seats. I've talked about it before so you know its pretty basic and it makes for a long bumpy ride. It is about 1 and a half hour trip there and the same back.

I am in my fifth week. I cant believe how fast the time has flown, it doesnt seem like I've already done 4 weeks.

The waiting room is filled with the same people every day, and I of course have turned it into a place where we greet each other as other patients and vans from far away places unload. When we started the waiting patients just stared straight ahead. Not me, I chat everyone up. Now its meet and greet and I like it that way.

We got a two new passengers, I used to be the only one.

Now it really is a Party bus.

There is one man, about 60. He has a deep smokers voice from Detroit. Lived in the fast lane his whole life, you can tell by his stories and the way he talks. He is always on the phone making plans for "libations" after he gets off the bus. The next morning when he gets on he slinks on with dark rings around his eyes and his coat reeks of bar smoke. I imagine all the reasons since we never talk about the particulars. He sleeps all the way there, while there and all the way back. He has manners though. Slick manners like a 'play-ah" so it kind of creeps me out. But he is pleasant and he smiles.

The newest passenger came on the bus with 'tude. The 'dont talk to me because you have cancer and I'm not going to be associated with you other cancer people' kind of attitude. I squashed that right away. I could tell she was the type to keep her angst inside and she was hurting. Kept talking and chatting to her and kept smiling and finally she broke yesterday and told me how weary she was of cancer and the funk she's in and how she is just frustrated and tired, and I was able to tell her "ME TOOOOO!" and thats why we are friendly and must talk. I told her no one is going to understand her like "we " do. I told her we are her "right now for a reason" friends and that if we never talk or see each other its ok because right now we are supporting each other. Yesterday she thanked me for talking to her and making her see things differently.

I like that about myself. I really do. I dont like a LOT of things about myself but that is one thing I like. I really love people. I dont care what creed, color, station or anything, I just love you because you are human. And I care. I smile at the nasty dirty poor ugy patients that every one scoots as far away as possible from. Yes they smell and are nasty. But. But they are human and want just as much recognition that they are human and alive and HERE as you do. I smile and acknowledge that. And I am glad I'm like this. It drives my husband insane but it makes me happy. I get everyone smiling and talking and chatting and that makes me satisfied in the very pit of my core being.

So yes I made the few people who get on the party bus a chatting and a talkin' and now every day its like greeting friends when we get on the van to take us to get our skin burned to kill those nasty cancerous cells lurking in our flesh.

I'd rather pass the time on a Party Bus rather than a utility van wouldnt you?

Daily Dose of Sunshine

2010-11-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

Last week was the first week of radiation.

The first day is called "mapping" and it involves lead wire. THey tape wire with lead in it around the area to be getting radiation and then do a CT scan. Then they mark all the areas with red permanent marker and take the tape off. They give this scan to the Radiologist and he maps out the degrees and voltage (ok I'm making up voltage but I dont know what its called) and then they send you to an X-ray machine to x-ray the area to make sure the CT scan mapping matches the Xrayed area of concern to radiate.

Radiate? sounds funny as I type it.

Like I lost some sunshine and they have to give me radiation so I radiate again.

Anyway.....then they come at you with black permanent markers and they wiggle and jiggle the x-ray table so that you line up with the marks, remark with black permanent marker and see if the x-rays line up with the CT scan mapping. When its all good they come and give you permanent tattoo dots where the marks are. I have 4 freckle sized permanent marks now.

I was pretty upset about having ink injected in four spots on my chest. It hurts like an angry ant bite. I dont know if its the same as getting a real tattoo since this was a needle with ink in it like a syringe but I sure wouldnt get a tattoo anywhere as a design if that is how much it hurts. Not bad for one single injection but to imagine a whole pattern done is beyond me.

Then after they X-rayed and lined me all up, I got my first dose of radiation. I felt nothing. Its just like getting an x-ray only it lasts a little bit longer, 3 minutes total.

The first day was 5 hours long due to the mapping and everything and after that it was a 10 minute appointment. I go every day except weekends for 7 weeks.

The people handling me and the radiation machine are called Radiation Therapists. Thats what my son has decided he wants to be. He will apply to colleges to be a Radiation Therapist. They have an active job getting the machines set right and helping patients to get lined up and then scurrying out of the room to give the radiation..I think he will do well at this job with his caring and kind personality.

Due to where I live and the insurance I have, the location for this is far away so they offer a shuttle that will take me from the doctors office to the large hospital where they have the radiation machines. This Shuttle is just a large utility van and I have dubbed it the "Party Van".

Its no party as I'm the only patient on the Party Van but I plug my earphones in and listen to the music my son has put on my ipod and text people. I cant read or do any crafts since its a bumpy utility van and I am hanging on for dear life but I enjoy the absolute void of any responsibilities and enjoy the music and conversations on my phone. I bring snacks for the ride home and just make the best of it. I'm usually smiling during the ride.

After all, its the only time in my life the past 25 years where I'm obligated to do NOTHING. So I'm going to enjoy it.

The two schlepp to Radioactiveness.

2010-10-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

My Radiation process started Friday. My planning appointment and first actual radiation treatment starts Monday.

I am pretty calm about this process, just want to take it one step at a time.

I think I was more apprehensive about getting the flu shot this year.

The actual drag with my Radiation (and people who get my kind of external radiation are not radioactive and dangerous) is that its far far away. My insurance pays for a shuttle that will shlep me from the clinic to the Radiation place and then back to the clinic. Free Shlepping.

So I wonder how THAT part will be. Will be I be overwhelmed by the ickiness of being with other very sick people who need radiation? Will the ride down and back "get" to me? Will I end up makeing it the "Party Bus" and talk and laugh all the way there and back? I'm afraid of getting grossed out by the whole bussing thing. Is that even wrong? Being all obnoxious about having to ride with other cancer patients? In my head its like a prison bus and we all single file line up and get patted down to go strip and get radiated and then schlepp back on the bus like zombies. I guess I really am apprehensive.

Its the unknown. Not knowing how it will be.

My family is tired of me being sick. I can tell. My husband mostly. I dont mean that he has said a WORD or implied that he is. I just know. He is going through work issues that weigh him down and I imagine he would love to scream at me to get my butt in gear and HELP with everything financial and work related. Having half a wife must suck big time. And then not to complain about it, or if you do complain about it you feel like such a creepster. I imagine in his head he feels like screaming. I would.

All my energy is spent going to appointments, keeping up with the laundry and piddly things I do and getting my son's college apps prepared. Picking colleges and filling out endless surveys and paperwork requirements. Gathering papers, college transcripts from his summer courses, letters of recommendation and then endless homework help and scheduling for him. It consumes every drop of energy and I still cook dinners and get the house organized. As much as I can every day.

But its all half of what I wish I could do. He asked me to come up with a great and wonderful brainstorm of ideas for a new campaign for customers, maybe a direct mailer idea. I'm against direct mailers this time and we started discussing it and I just plain got pooped out and just said "whatever you decide, do". I just dont have it in me for hours of ideas just to argue. Not argue, I really mean discuss. We get all animated and excited and pitch ideas and it used to be fun but now I'm just not up for it.

pffft. Just too tired so cant.

I actually felt it yesterday. The beginnings of my mid life crisis.

I just knew that I would when my son was going off to college and I felt with clarity yesterday that I was indeed choked by life.

I felt that feeling of overwhelming angst. The boredom and disgust with the present and the desire to go back and go forward all at the same time. It was just but a moment but I felt it reverberate all through my soul and it made me stand stock still and digest it and know it.

I realized that I must not go back to the old life before cancer struck. I cannot go through the stresses of the former way I led myself. I have to do more for me; more to feed my mind and my soul.

As I go through radiation for the next seven weeks, every single day except weekends, I will need to take this time to come up with a game plan. A mid life crisis Plan. One that will work to the benefit of all that I love, but one that will allow me to be who I should be too.

And one that wont include me on a Harley in black leather with a wedgie from a thong.

Hark the herald angels singing

2010-10-08T08:26:00.001-07:00

The tests all came out negative......breast number two cleared. The ultrasound showed nothing.

Can we all say together: "WHEW!"

We were running late from the chemo room aka Party room but we drove fast and furious after my nurse called ahead and the receptionist at the hospital imaging dept said that we had better hurry before the technician leaves !

I ran in the halls and we got there JUST before she left so I did the mammogram.....she took some pictures, told me to stay put and went and talked to the doctor. She said that if it was all clear that I could get dressed and go but no.....to my dismay he said he still wanted a sonogram done of BOTH breasts since there was a question from the surgeon on the surgery side and then the new spot on the other side.

I didnt know about the question the surgeon had about the original side that already had the surgery so my heart was in my throat THE WHOLE TIME.

She took me to the ultra sound room and as I lie down on the table the ultra sound technician explained what they saw and what she was doing as she examined me. She said she saw just dense breast tissue but that she needed to consult with the doctor.

He said that he sees only just regular dense tissue but wants a recheck of the breast in three months to see if any thing has changed or grown. But at this time they feel its nothing.

On the surgery side they still have a question about the tissue inside and want another songram done but at this time they feel its just unusual dense scar tissue.

I will take that news as all good!! :-) I was very relieved!! I kept asking, "So there is nothing? its all good?" and she kept saying "Yes, yes yes!" She was happy for me too!!

Having such a great weight lifted off my shoulders is a blessing!! I felt weightless and happy and just so rejuvenated with life's joy the rest of the day!

Mystery spot

2010-10-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life when you are handed lemons you really cant do all those things they say in silly quotations like 'make lemonade' or 'ask for vodka to go with it' or 'throw them back'. You just have to hold your breath and go with it, work through it, and see how it goes.

Two weeks ago they told me that I needed to have a mammogram as a check up. It kinda hurt a little more on the surgery side but not really that bad. I dont think mammograms hurt too bad anyway. They have pressure but not really hurt and its only for a minute or two anyway. It hurts more on the pinchy underarm muscles more.

They always say when you are done that if they see something the doctor will call. When they called the first time I kinda expected it because I felt an odd reaction from the X-ray tech after she took my X-rays and she told me the doctor would call me, she didnt say "if" so I really right from the beginning felt something was up with that mammogram. But this time I felt so relaxed, after all; it was just a check up and they just wanted to see how the breast is doing...They took pictures of both breast, the clinician told me to get dressed and if the doctor saw anything suspicious he would call.

They called a few days ago while I was delirious with spider venom.

They found something mysterious on the OTHER breast. Yes.... O T H E R breast. As in totally different breast and possible new cancer? tumor? Mysterious...suspicious.. and terrifying to comprehend.

When they called I sucked in my breath and listened and figured out on the calendar when to do the appointments and then hung up and cried. Then called my husband. Then took more pills and slept off the rest of the spider venom.

Good thing I was on happy pills and pain pills and just vomiting, moaning, and writhing in pain from venom and not really focused. I guess there really is a disguised blessing in every tragedy.

Today is the day I go from my chemo session to three special appointments to see what is behind mystery lump number two.

I am not really nervous.

I am just holding my breath.

Never enough drama

2010-10-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

So I've been feeling great lately. The 21 day break between chemos is a godsend. I have enjoyed every minute of it. Not taking one second for granted. I lay my head down each night with a smile and wake up happy to be up.

So happy and well in fact; that Sunday morning I tackled the patio and its dusty and cobwebby chairs and tables and the odds and ends that gather themselves out on a patio during the summer months. I slipped on my flip flops. The kind that are really thongs but we cant say thongs for footwear any more because people think of slingshot underwear now when we say the word thongs. In the olden days though thongs were rubbery thin plasticy sandals that you wore to the beach. And where ever else you could get away with slipping them on and running to.

Any way.

So I slip on my flip flops and begin brooming down the cobwebs. My what a prolific year for spiders! There was so much dust and little bits of leaves stuck to the webs so I got out the hose and decided to just power hose everything. I felt a sting in my toes and looked down.

I got bit.

Spider bite.

Black widows frolicking all over patio.

Im ticking them off with broom and hose.

I go in the house and show my husband and he comes out side to see where I got bit. Which thinking of it now seems kind of funny, like who cares where outside I got bit? Is it location location location like when you buy a new business? Hmmm I will have to ask him about that.
Anyway
I was slipping on my flip flops to show him where I was standing when I shrieked and kicked off the shoes and said. "Oh my god it might still be in there" I flicked the left one off first and this huge black widow spider fell off the shoe. I just stared at it for 20 seconds. My husband said" Get your things and lets get to Urgent Care.

Urgent Care.
Good things can be said about Urgant Care Facilities.

I cant think of any so lets skip to the part where they tell me that Nothing is wrong with me and the spider mustve bit me but left no venom and sent me on my way.

We had tickets to the circus so proceeded on our way there. I was texting and bragging that I fought a black widow and won.

i did not.

During the circus I started feeling back spasms and my chest tightening. then I felt immense pain in my foot.

Off we go to the Emergancy Room.

Did you know all you have to do to clear an Emergancy Room is hold up a ziploc baggy with a black widow spider in it and grab your chest?

Its amazing the service they give you there when you do that. ESPECIALLY when you are a bald cancer patient wheezing that they need a face mask for the germs.

There is anti venom for black widow bites.

They just cant give it to you.

The antivenom is worse for you than the black widow spider bite so you just have to live through it.

They gave me happy happy pills and then they doped me with pain meds and sent me home. I do not at all remember what went on in this house Monday or Tuesday even though I was here and on the couch. My husband slept on the floor by my side.

I dont even remember how I got home from the hospital I was that doped.

The good news is that I know a lot more about black widows than I ever did before.

The bad news is that the patio still needs to be cleaned.

Wigs and Girdles

2010-09-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

I went to an outside wedding last summer in 110* humid weather. I was wearing the most wonderful dress that made me look amazing. Well that is after I put on this thing called "spanxits" and a bra called "Wonderangel" Or "Angel wonder' or "waterboob" and some pantyhose that had adhesive or lycra or something in them or something like that, I forget now. But those 3 undergarments made me look like I was 20 lbs lighter and my butt was toned and my breast look like theyve never looked before....just amazing.

Then I left my air conditioned room to get in the car and suddenly the allusion wear became a suffacating prison of mass proportions.

It was the longest wedding and reception ever held. I got many complimnets that I had never looked better. ANd let me tell you here and now.....I never HAD looked better. The undergarments were SHRINKING while on my body. This caused every fat molecule to rise up to become cleavage. I had swollen feet too, but no one said anything about them.

When I got home it took me two hours to PEEL those elastic body cuffs off me and they went shooting off into different corners of my bedroom. I remember I had to lay on the floor to get the bottoms off. It is hilarious now thinking back but that night I really couldnt get them off. The heat and humidity made them stick to me like there really was adhesive in them.....and dancing around on one foot and rolling on the floor fighting them off didnt exactly make for a great mood so I tried to forget about it.

Till someone asked me yesterday how it felt to wear a wig.

And I thought;
Just like wearing a girdle on a hot humid day.

Only on your head.

Back to School Nite

2010-09-16T07:08:00.000-07:00

This is my son's school's back to school nite. The night you shuffle from room to room with a few hundred other parents and listen to the teacher's class rules for 12 minutes and then shuffle to another teacher's room. I go every year and tonight will be the final "Back to School Nite" for me.

It is funny that it is also the night you scope out other parents and see how they have fared for the year. Have they gained weight, changed their hair, gotten skinnier, lost more hair, gotten a paunchy stomache. Its human nature to measure ourselves against the current society we are in.

I of course will be sporting store bought hair and less eyelashes and eyebrows. I will have to find a great lipstick color to contrast.

I will be reflective tonight. Thinking about all the past "Back to School nites" and thinking about my son going off to college and how the whole dynamic of the family will shift. I hope I wont feel useless and put aside. I take all these "mommy jobs" pretty serious.

Thank goodness for technology and Skype and texting and cell phones. I dont know how our parents did it when we flew the nest. No contact. Just pay phones.

I wont miss "Back to School Nite" and all its scoping out of parents and teachers and snickering and "looks" but I will miss the feeling of purpose and connectivity I feel when I go scope out the "other home" of my son for so many hours a day.

*sigh*

Off Topic

2010-09-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

This is completely off topic and random but I was thinking this morning that its completely odd that this Rev. Terry Jones really got his hands on that many Korans to have a burning.

Did he go to the nearest mosque disguised as a radical needing a bunch of Korans to give away? Did he go to the Imam and say, "I have a burnin yearnin to read?" hahahaha pun intended.

Really, he could be burning bogus Korans, just used old books. Endangering the troops in Muslim countries over a "Huck Finn" and "Moby Dick" burning.

His energy and passion and desire for hooplah and revenge couldve been used for greater good. Not blowing a bunch of money for a book burning that wont bring about anything but more hatred and war seeking radicals a great example for more recruitments.

What happened to turn the cheek? Love thine enemies? What is Koran burning going to get us as a nation in the end? Freedom of speech? I dont think this is what our forefathers meant. I just really dont.

Shiney head

2010-09-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

A spider bit me on the head.

On
the
head.

My nekkid head has a bug bite on it. Its like the red circling light atop a light house.

I had the wig on but when I itch my head it wiggles the wig.

Switching to hat/scarf combo for today.

What a funny way to start the day!

Support Systems

2010-09-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Last night someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and smiled at a woman I didnt know with several kids. Her daughter is in band with my son but I dont know her. She pointed to my hat/scarf combo and asked me if I was going through therapy.

I replied, "yes, chemo-therapy." This lady tells me that she is a two time cancer survivor and she had a very amazing tale of survival to tell! She was encouraging and inspiring, and very sweet. Then other people apparently listening in chimed in with experience with their aunt and mother in law going through radiation and chemo.

Thats what happens when you have cancer. Everywhere you go you find out that nearly everyone has had cancer of some type or been touched by it some how. And people want to reach out to you and tell you of their story. Whether it have a happy result or an on-going heart wrenching tale, people touched by cancer have a compelling need to reach out.

This Two Time Survivor (yes I'm bad with names)lady from last night was saying to me that its all about the Support System and if we have a good support system we will do great. I wanted to argue with her that it comes from with in. All the support in the world is not going to help if you arent determined to play this drama out a certain way. Support is the bonus that drives you on. But then I kept my mouth shut the whole rest of the time she was talking mulling over the thought in my head.

What really is more important? The Support System or the Inner Drive to "Get'er done"?

My husbands keeps telling me "You gotta fight this". That is his mantra through this whole thing. "You gotta fight this". I'm not sure what I'm fighting and what "this" is but I take his quote to mean that I should not give in to the overwhelming sense of hopelessness and just give up and not want to go to the doctor or chemo therapy and just let cancer take over my body.

I also understand that he is frightened beyond words and he doesnt know what else to say to comfort me. His other oft repeated words in my ear is "This is so hard what you have to go through". He is not able to say any other comforting words but these two phrases and I am fine with this now.

At first I was angry and wanted him to cacoon me and comfort me and act like a mother hen and make me chicken soup and write encouraging notes like I do for them when they are sick. But one day after I saw the look in his eyes I realized that he must repeat in his own head minute after frightening minute," She had better fight this" and "Oh my god this is too hard what we have to go through right now, I dont know what to do to fix this. She has to fight this." After all my mind would be frozen if this were him or my son so I can understand this now.

How he supports me is by shaving my head, he took care of the jackson pratt drainage tube after surgery and he has given me all the shots to the stomach and arm that they asked him to. And he tells me to be comfortable and go out with a naked bald head and not cover it up with a sweaty wig or hat and scarf combo. I wont but wow how nice of him to say. THAT takes courage and is truly supportive. That is admirable and makes me grateful. I dont know if I could return the favor.

My son is my cheerleader. Personal cheerleader and the reason that I fight every day to get past this and move on in life. He is amazing. He sat with me each week to go get blood work and then each Wednesday in the chemo room he sat for 6-7 hours with me. Cheering me up, keeping me distracted, playing cards, hangman, dots or puzzles together. Driving me everywhere and bringing me copious amounts of gatoraide, gingerale and crackers. He can microwave a hot pocket like no one else. He constantly texts me to see how I'm doing and he says the perfect words at the perfect time of comfort and understanding. The child is such a help to me. I sit here typing this with tears welled up in my eyes of gratefulness. He is joy to my heart.

Friends and Family: The funny thing about friends and family is that they have all taken on different roles in my life since I got diagnosed with cancer. The ones that were constant in my life became distant, the ones distant became close and the aquaintances I've barely known have sent cards weekly and messages and really amazed me with how its all been mixed up and everyone together has been encouraging me through this. The ones touched by cancer before have been really prolific in their support. And the funniest thing is that my Mom and Dad text me constantly and they have a Facebook account and can see how I'm doing.

All together my Support System is getting me through this but most of the hunkering down and getting through each day is done by myself to myself. I talk to myself, and cheer myself. Mostly lecture myself. I allow myself a few minutes every day to have tears and feel bad about all the ickiness of cancer and then the rest of the time I do as much as I can to lead a normal day to day life. I smile a lot, joke a lot and try to jolly each day along. When I have to lie on the couch and moan I do. But every other time I strive to find the joy.

The other day I had an outright temper tantrum. I had such a mental block about going again to chemo and I just really cried. My son and husband rushed from various parts of the house and said at the same time, "Whats wrong?" and I said "I dont want to go tomorrow" and I burst out bawling. I was so sick still from a new medicine they gave me for one of the side effects and I was just feeling too weak to go get more chemo... My husband sat on one side of me and my son sat on the other, My husband said, "Honey you have to fight this." My son kept patting my arm and put his arm around me. My husband kissed my bald head and they both just sat there watching me bawl my eyeballs out. They looked at each other over my head with huge owl eyes and then back down at me.

I stood up and shouted," I KNOW I have to go, I Know I WILL go, Its just that I have to cry right now to get this out of my system so I have the STRENGTH to go ."

Clowns

2010-09-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a chemo day. In the chemo room. I have nightmares and flashbacks during the day now about the smell of the chemo room. I imagine that will stay with me a long while.

The first time I saw the chemo room I had a melt-down. I ended up there by accident when I first was diagnosed with cancer because the clinic sent me to the wrong room for a pre-chemo procedure and they finally gave up figuring out the mistake and said to go see Nurse Janice and she'd figure it all out.

Nurse Janice was in the chemo room.

I breezed into the room un-knowing what room it was and what I saw hit me between the eyes and made me loose all thoughts in my head and made me stutter and then weep. The nurse grabbed my hand and said, "Are you ok?" and I gulpinly replied, "I have so much anxiety right now, I dont know why, I'm sorry." and she said while patting my hand," Everyone does the first time they see this room, it makes it all a reality for you."

This is the reality of what I saw:

Imagine a small room. Living room size. It has the typical blue green clinic industrial tiles. Non shiney like it has been neglected for a while. Around the room are 10 green plastic reclining chairs. Shiney so they are easily wiped down. The recliners all have a little shelf on the right arm. It extends out about 10 inches from the right arm. This has a flat small pillow with a disposable towel on it. This is where you put your arm to receive the I.V.

To the right of the recliners are imposing I.V poles, computers, monitors and waste bins. One waste bin per chair. These get filled up fast with various flotsam and jetsom that gathers with the care of the chemo patient.

On the I.V. poles are many bags. Various colors of medicines getting ready to be interveniously pumped into bodies to make cells retreat and die. Poison really. But poison invented purposely to kill the cells that make our bodies die faster. I am shocked by the various colors. Neon orange, cherry punch red, Molasses brown, milky white, corn syrup clear, and they all hang atop the poles with tubes connected to the patients.

Besides the overwhelming view of seeing 10 chairs, poles, violently colored medicine is hearing the beeps and chirps from the monitors and blood pressure machines and the IV machines..It first sounds so loud it rushes through your head like a locomotive. THen you see the patients and you loose all train of thought completely.

Chemo patients come to the chemo room because they have to. They are in various stages of cancer. They ...wait. why am I typing "they" like I have no part of this?
We. We come to the cancer room because we have to.
We are in various stages of cancer and we all have a different type of cancer. And its men and women mixed.

The first time I went to the chemo room I saw the 10 recliners full of various patients and my head exploded. My heart broke. I saw very sick people. People reclining with several blankets covering them sleeping with their mouths open and I thought they looked dead. Some were bald, some had a little hair fuzz, some had hats. Most were pale or had facial peeling of the skin. But they all looked helpless.

The helplessness made me loose it.

To the right of all this reclining is a nurses station. Small desks, Computer monitors and straight ahead is a small window. Through this window you see a darkened room with pharmacists hunched over desks and some are busy in the back but you cant see that far to really tell what they are doing. This is the hub of chemo mixing. All medicines and orders come from this window. The people in that window are the masters of the poison that is going in our bodies in the chemo room. Its a scarey room. They have to wear protective gear and goggles. Thick special gloves.

We have a special bathroom behind the nurses desk. When having chemo therapy they give you an IV bag of just saline fluid first and they also "flush" you in between each medicine too. Thats a lot of liquid. There is a regular chain of us pottyers. Its comical if someone goes to the potty before we can disconnect and get there..we get like 5 year olds and say" Whose IN there" " Oh my I hope they HURRY".

To go potty you have to get yourself hoisted out of the green shiney recliner and reach behind the chair making sure not to dislodge the IV from your arm or hand and unplug the IV monitor that is attatched to a pole. You have to then shuffle to the bathroom pushing your IV Monitor pole with your IV bags on top to the bathroom and manage to go to the bathroom one handed.Not easy but doable.

Seeing all this going on really did make my cancer and what I was facing a reality. It made me go to my car and have a melt down and cry and really face what I was to become. A helpless chemo patient going to the chemo room.

But not helpless. It made it so much easier the first time I did have to go to the chemo room to get chemo. I was prepared. My head was wrapped around the reality. I also decided to call it the Party room and I go every time armed with my sense of humor and my gift of gab. I decided not to be helpless but be helpFUL. I make it a visit and got to know all the seat mates and I make the nurses laugh.

The nurses. The chemo nurses deserve all the praise and hugs and love and any raises or benefits they get. TO coin a oft used phrase; they are angels on earth. What a tough tough heart wrenching job they have. I cannot say enough about them in praise of what they do for us.

So I make them laugh. Compliment them. Make sure I say thank you for each chore they perform. Make sure they know that I'm glad they are there. Make sure I'm appreciative.

Having chemo with grace and dignity.

Laughter

2010-08-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

Last week was a "good" week. That means that I'm having a relatively normal week free of most of the side effects of the chemo meds.
(I am refusing to type chemo"therapy". There is no "therapy" to chemo; its basically poison.)

On a good week I try to catch up to household chores, bookkeeping, sorting, organizing, thinking and do some fun things like painting, crafts, and go out to do something that is outside this house.

Last week on my "good" week I encouraged my family to take me to the Fair. Ok, well lets be honest here and say that I did cry a little and used the "take the sick girl where she wants to go" card. My husband is not so keen on the Fair and my son was only eager to go once I said he could invite a friend. Whatever works. I was desperate to go see some animals, especially piggies and eat Fair food.

It was the best time ever. I spent so much of it laughing. It was the perfect way to spend a day that I felt good in!

Laughing makes me forget.

We went to a magic show. I laughed at the kids watching with huge eyeballs and smiles. Nothing cuter than watching kids amazed by slight of hand. And the poor magician was battling the heat and a stiff breeze and even he was pleased by being rewarded by the audiences pleasure. More smiles.

Then the Turkey Races. Oh lordy this was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Young turkeys let loose from a pen to chase a remote controlled truck full of turkey feed. Of course the music and announcing and the audiance interraction made it the most hilarious show ever. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I must've taken 50 pictures. Then they had a big huge ol Tom Turkey just ready for the butcher block come strutting out and make a loop round the pen and it just made everyone bust up laughing.

Then we got some big polish sausage and Italian sausage sandwiches and laughed at ourselves with the grease dripping chinny chin chins Then the napkins started blowing all over and we tried to rescue them but our fingers were sticky from funnel cake and we ended up chortling and laughing over that too.

My son got picked to be in one of the shows on the free stage and we laughed at his antics up on stage for another hour and then laughed more at the dvd we bought of the experience.

We laughed all day.

Then at the end of the day, just before going home we finally made it to the Pig Barn. Here at last were my piggies!! I just love pigs! I had a pet pig when I was a teen. Rescued from the auction house. It was a runt and I had to feed it with an eye dropper til she got strong. I named her Gertrude. I used to take her for walks. Honest to God I did!. I loved that pig. Well.....til she got big and grumpy and tried to bite me once. But thats what happens sometimes when ol girls get big and fat and lazy. They get grouchy about it. heh.

But what was special about this time in the Pig Barn is we got to see NEWBORN piggies just freshly born. It was so sweet and what a special end to the day to see those wee piggies just fresh from the mamma stumbling around making their way through the fresh shavings. Just too sweet!

I felt extra good the whole next day. I was just full of joy and felt better than I had in a long time.

I'd say laughter IS the BEST medicine!!

Cancerous Humor

2010-08-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

When I found out that I had cancer, I was devestated. Thats normal. But then I started finding the hilariousness of some of the aspects of it all.

That bothers some people.

They want it to be serious and somber and I suppose kind of grief stricken. After all it certainly IS a serious and somber and grief filled scarey prospect. Cancer.

But then I just started finding a lot of it funny. Like the Chemo room and how I turned it into a party room.

Or when I had only 12 hairs left on my head and I kept wearing hats and I would tease out those 12 hairs and point them out to folks so that my hair didnt feel abandoned.

Or the night at midnight that my husband and child shaved my 12 hairs off and made me into a velcro head. And then I realized my head is shaped like a turtles. I thought I'd have a swan neck and an oval head with stately forhead. Nope. low forhead and squarish head with bump in the middle top. Of course I'd have a thick neck and a squarish round head. Goes with the short waist and square hands I have.

When I see my self now in the mirror I have to laugh. Its the most rediculous thing to see your own head naked.

I of course have week moments. I cry at least once a day. My resistance is lowered and I feel so not in control of my body, my life, my symptoms and it all is a snowball of disgustingness. But I only allow myself that 5 minutes and the rest of the day is normal, or as normal as my normal right now can be.

The funniest part of all this is the neighbor kids trying to catch me off guard so they can see the naked head. I dont wear my wig at home. I have hats on every door knob in the house and I have a scarf by my apron in the kitchen. I can jump to that door knob and slap on that cap faster than the old gunslingers could draw their guns in the ol west. Makes my son laugh every time. He likes to tease me by saying one of his friends is at the door and can he come in. I jump to knob and slap a cap on and then get mad and flustered and ask him why he let them in and then the little imp will say, "oh no, I meant IF they were going to come over could they come in?" little brat o mine. I'd so do it to him to and he knows it.

I'm trying to show people that we can still find humor in our life. I'm teaching my friends and family not to tip toe around the subject; its ok to ask how I am and then talk about regular stuff. Crack jokes and tell stories.

Or ask to see whats under that sopping wet, dripping with sweat, furball of a thing I wear on my head most of the time to make everyone forget I have the head of a turtle.

Loss

2010-08-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

Well I learned the big lesson in the chemo room today.

Dont ask where the missing people are. I assumed the ones that didnt show were done with their sessions of chemo. wrong. The two I asked about that brought so much joy and energy to the room were not there last week nor today.

"Where is Karen today, I havent seen her in a couple of weeks", I say jauntily.

"Oh and that other lady...what was her name, oh she makes me laugh!!"

The nurse goes to the bullitin board by her desk and untacs a paper and hands it to me.

My heart dropped and I just couldnt breath for a sec. Its a copy of a person's funeral program. Karen's funeral was Sunday.

But she didnt seem sickly. She seemed so full of life.

She was a jolly soul. A real firecracker. A fiesty lady full of energy and a twinkle in her eye that you just knew was waiting for myschief. She was 60ish. She brought the sun and moon and all the stars, and a little bit o' the devil into the room when she came to get chemo.

She had colon cancer. You dont think of women having colon cancer but so far in the chemo room all the colon cancer cases but one that I have met have been women. Pretty young too. In their 20's and 30's.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I hugged the program for a few seconds not breathing.

And then we did her right by talking about her in the chemo room all around. She had skipped a week of her chemo a few weeks ago to go on a nice vacation. She had had so much fun and she came back full of energy and joy talking about seeing all her friends and relatives on her trip.... Karen will be greatly missed.

So then I asked, "And Miss Mary?" "Is Miss Mary ok?" and the answer was that she is not doing well at all and it will be a miracle if she makes it back to the chemo room. What a lady Miss Mary was!!! SHe also was full of sunshine and encouragement. She was like the camp leader with her conversation skills and cheering us on.

I have such trouble getting an IV. Small veins and now they are collapsing and she used to shout accross the room, "Dont even think about it miss PixieLyn you just think about all that shopping you and me is gonna do later", even tho we have no such plans. She would make up all kinds of fun things to go do after chemo so I wouldnt feel so bad. She sews all her own clothes....fashionable lovely clothes that are so very nice. She came to the chemo room all dolled up. She says it is because she is determined to put her best foot forward and not worry about that its the ugly ol' chemo room. I hope the miracle happens and I see her walk in the ugly ol' chemo room again.

So lesson learned; DONT ASK and THEY WONT TELL.

Prayer Shawl

2010-08-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the first thing people do when being diagnosed with a life threatening illness is to turn to God. Start praying like crazy to make up for being busy and not paying enough attention to their devotions.

Perhaps bargaining and praying make them feel stronger and less helpless. It wasnt me. It wasnt in me to declare my devotion to God in exchange for my health. I also didnt "why me" it in the beginning either.

I mean; why NOT me?

I'm just a small cog in the larger machine of cancer ridden humans. It happens. It randomly happened to me. Period. Deal and move on.

For sure I wasnt about to beat my fists to my chest and start backpeddling my laxness in prayer by stepping it up and making it up to God in hopes that he'd grant me special healing powers.

The first Get Well Gift I recieved was a Prayer Shawl.

It came with a hand written prayer. It was made while being prayed over by the ladies in the gift-givers church. I was encouraged to wear the shawl and say the prayer.

I stronly feel that the time of my immenent decline in health is not my time to amp up my declaration of devotion to God while wearing a knitted shawl like some proverbial 90 year old shivering woman making supplication to God. Why would he want me NOW. Back in the vibrancy of youth is the time to make supplication to your God, not when you are ill. So I got mad at the Prayer Shawl idea.

Instead I gave the shawl to my girlfriends mother who loved the color of the shawl and she gets chilled in her assisted care living home.

My idea of making up for being busy in my life and not attending to the needs of MY humanness?
I turned to crafts. I used to do them years ago.Before I got too busy to do anything but work and sleep.

I am catching up on my inner creativity. Bringing some vibrancy and fun back into my daily living and encouraging my brain to have something to look forward to. My own kind of idea of what God would think was a good idea to do when ill. I have been crocheting, embroidering, painting and playing with this blog. I say God wanted us to be thankful and motivated, not regretful and guilt ridden.

Look forward, not back.

Pink

2010-08-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

Every since I was diagnosed with breast cancer I have become the magnet for all things pink.
Now the thing is... I look good in the color pink and have worn pink, coral, shell and fushia pink for years. I'm talking about all knick knack bric a brack pink things. Bracelets, hats, stuffed animals, pencils, pens, pins, buttons, cups, scissors and yes even white out dispensers. People, even immediate family members come up to me excitedly and profer from their hands, pockets and purses things in pink and wait for me expectantly to ooh and ah over the GREAT coincidence that they found something to represent my cancer as a gift. Its all kind of odd.

I go to the support groups and the ladies who have gone through this sit and tell their experiences of how they have collected things to represent the years in treatments and I just look puzzled at them. I sit and think that I wish I could expunge pink from the world. Pink should be a dirty colored and not a gift to sit on my desk to shout "YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER" at me. Perhaps I'm not at the stage yet where its all a lovely glow of past pinkness.

I want bright happy crap around me right now. Yes sunbursts of color to wake me up and make me smile. Wild zebra print shoes in rainbow colors. They actually have those and my brother actually bought them for me. Not to wear.

To sit on my desk and make me grin. And they do.

I have also recieved books of hope, books of anti cancer diets, devotionals and how to cope booklets in pink covers. I have recieved offers of special zen whole body healing treatments, prayer lists and church memebership offers.

I know you are thinking that I should be grateful for the kindness and loving thoughtfulness that people are remembering me and getting me gifts of cheer. But think about this.....If you had prostate cancer? I would not go out and buy you a light blue book all about hope. I wouldnt even MENTION your prostate. I would buy you a gift card for Barnes and Nobles. I would buy you something YOU like..and ask how you are doing and if you need anything. I would not assume you like all things light blue since it is the Prostate Cancer Awareness Color. Blue undies anyone? That'll help ya remember.

Chemo Infusion Room AKA "The Party Room"

2010-08-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

I have dubbed the Hospitals Infusion Room where the chemo drugs are given as the "Party Room' and I tell people I party there and I wear a party hat aka wig. I have long parties and short partie depending on the amount of drugs given that week. I go weekly so I needed some jokey diversion in name calling.
Today was a long party. 5 drugs in IV bags. It makes for a long day but calling it a party somehow makes it not so bad.
I am the chatty cathy of the group when I go. It was silent and ominous and most people sleep or watch the little tvs they provide. nope I'm either talking to my son or husband that comes with me or I chat to my neighbors. Time goes by faster that way.
I have also found out what is fabulously better than any high school prank called "mooning". Its reverse mooning I guess. Reverse body end. You basically have me in the passenger seat. Pull up to red light. I turn to car idling on the right and smile. Then wink. Then wildly take off wig and wave it round and round and yell YEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWW. The guy makes a horrible face like I just pulled off a limb and then turns straight and then he squeels out when light turns green. I wonder if he had night mares? I laughed until I peed my pants. Ya gotta do something insane like that just to lighten up the trauma.
I make the chemo nurses laugh too. They have one of the toughest jobs on earth. If you dont think so you just go with a friend or relative one time while they are getting chemo and watch them. They have to be angels in nurses garb I tell ya.
I like my nurse especially well. She calls me her special baby so I think she likes me too. She is amazing. She has got to be 6'2 or so. The most beautiful dark carmelly chocolate color I've ever seen in my life and she is 62! She is like a drill sargent, a mother, and a softy angel all in one. She made me cry once in barking out orders and told me she was the ENFORCER. But then she bought me a gift on her vacation and calles me her special baby so I think she is marvelous. You need someone who is harsh and makes you toe the line when all you want to do is whimper and not do any of this icky stuff at all. Then hug you and whisper to your veins that she wants to find the right vein and not have to prick me over and over.
I have the smallest veins ever. It takes prick and prick after prick. like 9 or 12. My arm looks like a blind person gave themself heroin shots and missed and missed. Its pretty traumatic every week getting blood and then getting the next day chemo.

I need all the angels I can get.

Chemo head

2010-07-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

There is a little known phenomenon that comes with getting chemo therapy and that is the chemo head or chemo fog or chemo brain that you get. When you are mid sentence and your mouth opens for the next word and you just leave it open because you litterally have no idea what in the hell the next word is going to be because you've forgotten what you were going to say AND you've even forgotten what you were talking about in the first place it can be excruciatingly embarrassing.
Or hilarious.
I walk around alot in a fog. Dont know why I was going in that drawer, that room, that conversation blah blah blah. It gets irritating. And funny when you have a teenager and you are yelling and nagging and then there is a long pause with mothers mouth open and a curious expression in her eyes.
My son gets a twinkle in his eye and says "Yes?" and then I say; " What was I talking about?" and he says "I dont know?" and laughs.

Makes us all crack up.

Well we were in the midst of these California fires when son and husband are on the plane heading for a family visit in another state when the fires came OUR way and I had to pack to be ready for evacuation.

Chemo brain and packing for immenant fleeing is a sight to behold. Or not since I paused a lot.
Its a good thing the neighbor kids came to the rescue or I'd still be holding an armful of pictures I just took off the wall wondering what in the hell I was doing with them.

We are safe. Fires are out only due to the fact that my house sits on a hill. The hill is just below the hill that houses some of the larges Power towers in the state. These Power towers carry power to all of Southern California which is connected to the rest of California which makes that hill right there VERY important to the state. Ol Arnie came to town and declared he's send help. He did. To that hill. 2 giant airtankers and a giant water dropping chopper. Then the fire was out. Right as I could see it cresting the hill I live on.

I'd keep writing an update but I have forgotten what I'm doing sitting here typing for.

Fishing

2010-07-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

My current love is fishing. When I was a child we fished every weekend. I started out last summer on a quest. Must. Teach son to fish. Must teach son how to love outdoors. It was a burning desire to fish last year.

He does anyway but I felt the need to teach him to fish before he leaves the home. His Dad is not an avid outdoorsman. So I bought 2 books, poles, nets, hooks, tackle box and we set out to fish.

2 years and havent caught anything. Of course by the time we get going and get everything loaded its always a PRIME FISH HIDING HOURS.

It doesnt make us give up though. Oh no.

I think also that we are fishing at the same dang 2 places famous for hard to catch fish. We;ve been told. But they are close to home.

Yesterday we were going to go fishing. I tried unsuccessfully to wake these two people up for two hours. Then they roll out of bed after I have most things ready and one gets on the phone and one gets on the computer.

Then I go out and get the worms and almost die of heat stroke cuz I forgot a hat and my bald head is like a giant heat absorber.

Then I come in and lie on couch and grab chest and have palpatations and realize that perhaps 5 cups of coffee while I'm waiting was not such a good idea.

We get in the car at noon.

We get to grocery store to pick up charcoal and my husband has a nervous breakdown at the price and declares that SOMEWHERE in the garage is an old bag so we MUST go home and look for it.

We got to the lake at 3:30.

Lake is full so we must wait in the que lane for folks to leave. We are five cars back.

This whole time my head is absorbing heat.....ONly its under a scarf and ball cap.

We arrive at our picnic table at 4. I'm almost passed out.

We barbeque, we eat, we laugh and have fun and then I explain that I'm gonna pass out from the heat and cant fish but they are welcome to.

6pm we leave Lake. BYE LAKE!

Well that was a nice long day for a piece of barbequed chicken and a slice of watermellon wasnt it?

TWO Year Update Follows

2010-07-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband shaved my head. Bald.
I'm now a velcro-head. Not shiney like the sexy-heads. Nope....I'm some halfwit velcro-head.

I have breast cancer. There I said it. I had surgery, now chemo and soon radiation AND chemo. For a year.

I had 12 straggly hairs left and I couldnt take it any more. Couldnt take the mangy sickly cat look. It fell out gradually. In clumps. sick. So last night I went to bed, husband still watching the news on the couch. Laid down and then got back up and came down and begged him to cut it.

It was probably the kindest thing he's ever done for me. He kindly and carefully and tenderly cut the hair closer and closer and closer. I have all stages of the pictures. I first looked unevenly mangier, then I looked like the movie depicted 'dykes' on tv. All butch with some mohawk looking style and then I looked like a baby with new hair and then finally a squinched up old man. With my glasses I look like a chimpmunk cheeked old man. I looked actually pretty with the mohawk and my son made the comment that if I were lesbian I wouldve scored me some chics with that look. Then he told his Dad he should be jealous. That started us laughing and the whole experience turned into a fun, freeing, and liberating event instead of the freakish event it really was. I mean c'mon my husband was shaving my head bald at midnight. How much more weird could it get?

I thought my forehead would be stately and tall. Nope. Its a short forehead and I look like the white version of Gary Coleman. That really disappointed me. I imagined my head so different. And its not smooth, it has ridges. I looked up Phrenology sites yesterday so I could learn about myself through the ridges and bumps but it has been debunked for years. bah!

Two years ago I had a 15 year old, now he's 17. Typical teen. Bricks in his butt, cant make decisions, wants much freedom like he's a 22 year old, rolling his eyeballs while he talks to us is like breathing. He's a good boy. He is just going through all those typical stages a 17 year old does. Wants to be with his friends all the time and when he's home he cant move. I remember well that stage. I would NOT go through it again for anything. Its the age of the major cross roads and decisions. He will be a senior. He will have a great year in school and make this passage unto adulthood very well, I am sure. I try hard not to make the C-Word the all encompassing issue around here but it has kind of taken over our life so I try to talk about it with him but let him have lots of time to have fun so he doesnt remember this year as the ruined year of his life.

*sigh*

I dont know exactly why its been two years since I've updated. Perhaps the frenetic pace of life is one, It got out of control. I was so stressed and so busy and so GOING GOING GOING that I didnt even have the time sometimes to go to the bathroom. Cancer has a way of stopping life. Cant work, cant do much sometimes but sit on the couch or sit in the bathroom sick. I have 7 good days a month. The rest is spent in quazi nausea, flu-like symptoms or just lay down wanna die bone and muscle achiness. On the good 7 days I RUN LIKE THE WIND catching up to all that I've let slack but oh it feels good when I feel good!!

I painted another mural. Last month on my good week. It came out gloriously well. Its of a hawaiian dreamy window. I just have to get some trim and trim it in like a real window. It felt delish to get paint under the nails again!! Smiles every day while I created.

Well there ya have it.
I'd write more but the chemo has thrown me into early menopause and I find my velcro head is dripping in hot-flash manna....gotta go mop it off!

Do it again Mama! Do it again!

2008-07-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more joyous about having children than when you set their eyes alight with wonder. Like when they are infants and you play peek a boo and they giggle and laugh to see you disappear and then appear. Just that simple act of play.
Then when they are one and you show them how to blow into a straw instead of sucking and you make bubbles overflow and chocolate milk bubbles go all over the table.
When children shout "Do it again Mama! Do it again! all kinds of pride and love and zeal for the simple joys of life bubble up inside our hearts and then we want to show them more and more and more.

When a child becomes a middle schooler they become jaded and the world only revolves around themselves and their raging prepubescent hormones and middle school is a war zone of obnoxious cliques and social stereotypical tiers of a tweenie kingdom. Nothing lights up their eyes unless they get something they covet to make themselves feel "cool" even if only in their head.

Then they become teens and they no longer want to do ANYthing associate with kiddie fun.

Unless you bust them doing something they really miss doing like taking the couch pillows and race down the stairs like they are tobaggans.
Or when you see their gleeful face as they scoop up sand at the beach to make the "little cousins" happy by making them a sand castle.

So this past Sunday I had the most joyous little dejavu moment with my son when Saturday grocery shopping had him begging for storebought pastries. You know the kind. They look so pretty with their glazed icing and their jelly filled centers. When you eat them tho they somehow taste of their cardboard home? I said that I thought they were a waste and did he really want to pay $4.99 for cardboard sugar. He really really did. I said "But I know how to make REAL cinnamon rolls, why should you eat these?" and he said "YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO???" and I said "Yes , have I never made you any?" and then I realized; Oh my God, I havent made so many food things that bring joy to families that my Mom used to make us. Life is such a hurly burly rush and all about nonfat and sugar free and eat healthy that I make salad and veggie and protein meals and no FUN food! No sugar laden gooey treats. Like . Like. Like popcorn balls.
My mom always made popcorn balls!!! Or Rice cripy treats or any of that stuff.

So I got the ingrediants that very day and Sunday woke up and made cinnamon rolls.

He watched that pan of rolls rising like a hawk, kept lifting the towel to peek. Giggled when I slapped his hand from trying to get a finger of cinnamon butter. It was GLEEFUL!

His eyes lit up when I turned over the pan and showed off the bottom that was now the top of brown sugar/butter topping and he ate 4 right in one sitting. FOUR!

My heart is STILL swelled up with the joy of that Sunday morning wonderous time. His eyes were saying "Do it again Mama! Do it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that afternoon in infectious joy he called me to come learn how to play Rock Band. Oh my Oh my I LOVE ROCK BAND. I sing like a horror chic and my character is a bad ass and I am having so much fun with our band touring and singing. I can drum and sing but am a miserable embarrassment on guitar.
But my heart is so full and I am enjoying every single moment with my son as he trudges the line between being a cool teen and letting some family fun capture his heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok I need some advice: he wants to go back "out" with the girlfriend we dont approve of. Talking and texting like a fiend. We have cojoled, explained, pleaded, and now last night his dad blew up. He asked to go to the movie with "friends" and we said "what friends" and he shrugged "you know, just some friends" and then we demanded WHO? and he named the girl and HER friends. His dad blew up and was saying "why do you insist to hang around this bad girl yadda yadda yadda" and the conversation grew long and HIS CELL PHONE RANG and we all looked at the clock and it was midnight and it was this particular girl.
WHAT GOOD GIRL CALLS A BOY AT MIDNIGHT???
That is 13 yrs old?
So his Dad went ballistic and said he could NEVER go to the movies if she was any where NEAR the theatre and on and on.
Now: I KNOW that is not the right tactic: Demanding no contact since she is aggressive and will sneak, she has before.
But HOW how how do we make him see she is BAD news?
ugh!!! ANy suggestions from your past experience?????

Fathers Holiday

2008-06-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

I actually like holidays especially the ones that people in a grumbly mood call "Hallmark Holidays". I love Fathers day, Best Friends Day, Grandparents day, Secretary's day and all the other ones. All 'new' holidays. I love giving better than recieving. I'm not so good at recieving. I never get what I hope for, well thats not true. A couple of times I have been completely brought to my knees by my husbands gift but it happened basically twice in the past 20 years.

I dont get much really for Mothers Day. I have gotten breakfast of toast and eggs in bed before, that was cute, yeah, but really? c'mon, I totally had to go grocery shopping the day before for the stuff and set the alarms in my sons and our room and the pretend to sleep through all that noise and clatter.....bah humbug!
I prefer handmade gifts or gifts I have in my mind that you ask me what I want and then you get them. In my family this doesnt work but I keep hoping that the hint bombs I drop might result in a real actual gift in my hand instead of my mind. Or perhaps the pictures CUT OUT AND MAGNETED TO THE REFRIDGERATOR DOOR might prompt the actual item. I've even left torn out pictures or printed out pictures from the computer in the bathroom to give hints, none have worked. Can you tell me how to get these hints accross? Are you a better reciever than I am? I guess I am not grateful for the gifts I get enough. Perhaps thats it.

One year for Mothers Day I got forgotten and then when I couldnt hold it in any longer and I was in complete tears and slamming stuff and bitchy as heck, my husband declared that he and our son had to run to the nearby gas station for cigs. 'Yeah right my ass' I thought. I was so hate filled and hurt. "who wants your stupid gift now" I kept thinking the whole 2 hours it took to go on their secret "cigarette getting" mission.
They came home all smiles and said "We brought you a suprise Mommy!!!" then my heart melted and I was forgiving and smiley again.
It was items in a Wallmart bag. Back when they were blue with yellow smileys on them. Not wrapped. Oh and groceries? There were two grocery store bags too?!
They made me sit down and hold out my arms and they put a box in my hand, It was freezing cold!!! I opened my eyes to ...................
ICE CREAM! I got a box of ice cream! ..............oh wait, there were more things. Chocolate syrup. Strawberry powder with a bunny on the box. Milk. and from Walmart???? My lovely gift?
A blender.
I looked up in disbelief. My husband says all sugary; "Oh I couldnt think what to get and I was walking around Walmart and our son said 'Lets get a milkshake and walk around, I'm thirsty' and then DUH! I thought to myself LETS GET MOMMY STUFF TO MAKE MILKSHAKES FOR EVERYBODY!"

Ok so you so know how that gift giving episode ended dont you?
heh.
Not a good day.

I am the sort that months before our anniversary or a hallmark holiday I start planning and thinking and I've made so many amazing and suprise gifts and my husband is totally blown away and brought to tears...........I have done it for years and now I'm afraid I'm resentful. When is it gonna be my turn to get a nice thoughtful gift? It obviously isnt in him to think ahead so maybe my heart should just give up the resentment. *sigh*

Regardless.... This year I thought of a great Father's Day present. My son bought him a gift he will love and then I went and bought a huge frame that had a mat inside of 18 various sized framed holes for pictures. We found in our albums and boxes of pictures and copied and put back 18 pictures and cut them for the frame. Pictures only of Dad and son from birth to now. It came out AMAZINGLY cool and my son was so into making it for his Dad.

I wonder what he will say...............Maybe in his heart he will wish for a milkshake and be done with all the emotional gifts?
heh.

10 Questions

2008-05-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

I'm full of it today:

1. Is it me or is Paula Abdul looking younger and younger with every episode of American Idol?

2. Is it me or is it not getting harder and harder to cook full on meals every night? Cooking healthy has taken the wind out of my cooking imagination. I hate cooking now and I find myself making the same 3 chicken dishes. How can I stop making fast dinners when I m starving and so tired?

3. Is it me or are teen girls not bigger chested now than back when I was their age?

4. I have no predjudice in my soul about sexual orientation so this next question is very open hearted and honest. I have noticed that my son has many bisexual friends. Mostly girls. What is that all about? If you go to his MySpace list of friends and read their orientation, the majority list "Bi". I say its a stance, a stance for leaving all the options open. But my son is confused and asks me questions. His own gf says she doesnt care who knows it; shes 'bi' and likes it. Dont you think this is just faze? A "liberation" stance if you will; or do you think there can be THIS many bisexual teenagers? Is bisexual like 'swinging'? A recreational fun choice for now?

5. Is it just me or is it getting harder and harder to parent?

6. Is it just me or is there more and more homework being given every year? I'm beginning to be against homework, summer schooling to get that extra credit or two and all this pressure to BE "AP" or "IB" or whatever is the latest hardest and most impressive. What happened to the old fashioned quest for learning? LEARNING, not just high scores. Showy course loads? For having a kid be a dang kid? My good friends son is in 10th grade and so freaked and stressed right now that I actually butted in and talked to the mom about how stressed their son is with his work load. ummmmmmmm, now THAT relationship is strained and I am so not appreciated now. They feel their kid SHOULD be this pressured to get into Harvard as straight A student in IB courses. I say OMG your kid looks like he's 40 and needs to have some Prozac. HE IS 15 YEARS OLD for cripes sake. Does anyone remember what it was like to be a kid? To be facing a long lazy summer filled with popsicles and lazing around in shorts? Not planning the itinerary for the summer course load and a new college course being offered high schoolers to get ahead on college credits...........WTF? What happened to just waiting for all this stress when we are 30 and have 2.5 kids a dog and a minivan, why the stress at 14,15,16? What will their life be at 30?

7. Is it me or is time going way way too fast?

8. Does anyone else with teens missing sitting on the couch with a good Disney Movie back when their kid was little. I think this is my most missed part of being a mommy of a little tot besides the lap holding.

9. Is it just me that doesnt like the new earing style? I dont want my son to get his ears stretched. How can I tell him it makes me kinda gag to think of him visiting me when he's 45 and he has big holes floppin around in his ears?

10. Is it just me or is this Presidential race already getting on your nerves too?

Bloop there it is

2008-05-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

See My original Bloop post below if you didnt already read it the other day:

My son is a 9th grader, I sit in front of school to drop off and pick up every day. I see so many teens that my head swims, I have to drive 1mph for about 1/2 mile to get passed them each way. They dont look both ways when crossing the street and slap at my truck if I'm an inch too close to where they want to cross, they are like swarming cockroaches around the school and about as obtuse and rude as a group. But that isnt my beef.

Who in the hell is buying these people clothes?

No.
Beter yet;
Who in the hell is DESIGNING these clothes? Skin tight material. Stretchy jeans that look like tights. Tank tops. Ok and I'm talking about the BOYS here!

No joke
ANd dont those kids sagging those tight jeans look like toddlers with a load of crap is sittin in their pants walking around ????
Who thought of THAT cool look?

And whats with all the girls wearing skin tight shirts that roll up over the bloop so that it hangs out over the jeans all bare naked?

And whats with the over sized purses or bags? Little girls wearing giant Santa sacks? I just dont get it.

A customer told me that her daughter FIGHTS to buy a new coach bag so that she has a new one every month.
People!!! If I asked for anything new when I was growing up I got backhanded, how about you?
I know style changes, I know fads and trends will change with the wind but this years fads have me shaking my head in shame.

What do you think? Do you see these teens?When you see their fat hanging out, their expensive bags and their dark rimmed sad soul eyes peeking out, do you not want to hug them and tell them to GO PUT A SHIRT ON!? What are we doing to their psyche by accentuating the bad body areas and makeing them think that how they look is good like that?

*sigh* You tell me.....

Sunday

2008-05-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

Today was such a PERFECT day! One of which I have not had in a loooooong time!
My son broke up with his girlfriend once and for all. She was a cheating skank, spoiled princess, brat and conniving and obnoxiously rude to me. She was controling, jealous and a sneak. Oh and did you catch on that I didnt approve? She was also predjudiced and a pretentious snob. I dislike all of the above in a person so I have had a hard 7 months dealing with the fact that my son chose to like this person. Of course he didnt see it at all or if he did he chose to ignore it. She cheated on him and he broke up with her last night. He already has girls waiting for this opportunity and is going to another ska concert tonight and meeting one of those little girls in the wings there!!! I am relieved and happy today.
Today was the towns flea market. My son and I go every year. It is "our' thing. My husband detests them. Therefore it was a carefree day digging through cool stuff other people didnt want. I scored some cool stuff and so did my son!!
We finally went to this antiques yard I've wanted to go to for 3 years and I took my son down nostalgia lane with me, everything was either from my parents age or my age. No real ancient antiques, it was cool how facinated he was with everything and how much I forgot, like fabric wrapped cords with their huge ends. There was an old Coke cooler like the stores and gasoline stations had outside and an old lunch box JUST like the one I had, he was just facinated with it all and I had fun showing him stuff.
Perfect perfect day!
Now I take him to his ska concert and my husband and I are meeting for dinner!
I am feeling better too, my antibiotics are kicking in. I had an ear infection and bronchitis...the flu gone bad.
Also...............we managed to suprise the freakin pants of my son on Friday with a suprise birthday party at his favorite sushi restaraunt and 23 kids showed up and yelled suprise when my husband brought him, it was the crowning shining moment of motherhood when I had a gleeful joyous moment watching him during his birthday lunch.
Also, final thing crowning today? My house is clean, my laundry washed AND put away and my life is enjoying a turn for the better, ummmmmmmm I mean; the smoother.

Almond crap

2008-04-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

Being Hypothyroid sucks.

There, I got THAT out of the way. I've wanted to post that for a long time. heh. *snarfle*

I have two seperate books going that I'm reading about hypothyroid. All the things that I thought were 'in my head' are not. They are legitimate weird things going on in my body. Like craving cookies. Like desiring naps ......... ALL DAY LONG. Like going postal all over my son and then crying about it for the next two days. Feeling anxious... about everything, my problems,even your problems, even things that arent a problem. yet. sleeping and sleeping and still needing sleep.

But book number two promises "tricks and tips" to help me out of this hell hole. Like eating a high fiber, high protein diet. Staying away from satan. oops I mean; high fructous sugar. Eating raw almonds. They are the nut from the gods.

I have substituted raw almonds for cookies, almonds are expensive as hell. Almost as much as gasoline. If I could shit into my gas tank all this high octaine crap that I'm experiencing wouldnt I be the envy of all?

Its a sad day for me that all I have to brag about is my fancy assed crap.

Exersize

2008-04-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, I just got back from reading my favorite blogs and I feel like such a drudgy sloggy baggy fat bottom girl.
You know the type of girl I am.

I hate exersize. I hate playing sports, I suck at them. I'm the girl that always got picked last for any sport with my short stubby legs, my pudgy teen self slow to move.

I was good at floor hockey though. I could swing these Irish/Dutch arms sumthin feirce and those other girls were afraid of me. But dodge ball? what a joke. Couldnt throw and had no power behind it. I hated dodge ball, I'd get bruised and was always sitting.

I hated that my mom wouldnt let me shave my legs and I spent most of the PE hours worrying if you could see the hair on my legs. And our school was old school so the girls played while the boys watched and the boys played while the girls watched. How sick is THAT.?

I grew up in the midwest where children were born to love basketball and know what H.O.R.S.E. was before they knew what a 'binky' was. I wasnt born there, I didnt know. Didnt get it.
My parents werent into sports so all this was "ok" with them, I was praised for sitting on the sidelines and reading my books.
There fore;
I still dont move with agility.
Thinking about a marathon or going to the gym or riding a bike for sport makes my head real with horror and amazement that people would want to do that, that someone would go out of their way to show themselves doing a sport in public.

I cant wait to get to my 20 minute mark on the treadmill so this fat ass can go sit in front of the computer reading and doing my bookwork.
But I know this is somehow not right thinking so I bought myself something I've wanted a long time;
I bought a rebounder.
It glares at me from the corner. I can hear it calling me....................... "come to me fat bottom girl................... come jump and be free and happy of those tootsie roll thighs.......... "
But I turn my back on it.
I hunch over my book and munch on my cookies and refuse to even listen to that whispering evilness eminating from it.

The B movie would Enchant me..

2008-04-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

You know.............it would almost be worth going through the whole goddamn hassle of having another kid at my age just for the chance to watch kid movies again.
I loved settling down to a good kid movie....I feel like I'm missing "Enchanted" "the Bee Movie""Horton Hears a Hoo" and countless others that have slipped by while I'm stuck in teen whirlwind mode..........
And just for your information in case you even care; I miss "Little Bear" ,"Sesame Street" ,""Franklin", "Puzzle Place", :Sponge Bob", "Cat Dog","Rocket Power", and the whole Disney Movie Channel. *sigh* The anticipation of a new "Zeenon" movie or a new "Holloween town" movie. The whole Nickalodeon commercial break addins and game shows.
I miss it all.
I miss the baby routine of lunch with Mr. Rogers and then naptime. I miss the excitement of another Harry Potter movie and gathering all the friends for a movie date and then going out after..........
Now.......
Now I drop off and pick up at the theatre.
I'm not invited.
They go to thrillers and scarey movies and then talk all during them and then when I ask how the movie was they shrug and say 'It was alright".
*sigh*
I miss the snuggling on the couch with an appreciative 6 year old with bowls of pop corn and anticipation all over thier face. I miss the excitement and the wonder and the fun of a good family movie........
*sigh*
**double sigh***

And going to the new Rambo movie with my husband is fun and all; I mean; after all we ARE together and we ARE holding hands and there IS popcorn after all.
Popcorn, a big pickle, AND hand holding..................... But just between you and me?

I'd rather be with a 7 year old whose whole world is Star Wars and the new movie is about to begin and he's just humming with anticipation, his eyeballs are wide and shining and he's smiling bigger than the cheesiest grin you ever saw.........

Bloop

2008-04-15T07:46:00.000-07:00

I was overjoyed with the subject of one of my taped episodes of Oprah! I just watched. It was a fashion show. The "Sex in the City" acctress, (the one that you can see through; I forget her name) was on hawking her new line of clothes.
Cute trendy city clothes. Yuppywear.You know what I'm talking about; big trendy bags, peddle pushers in either white or khakhi and espidrilles. Only now they call them capries and wedges. They talked about shopping for new clothes for summer and the essentials we need. I almosted deleted but since I've been needing new clothes I stayed tuned:

New clothes and shopping brings me to the next subject, and that is bloop, or bloopage. My son and I came up with the word bloop.
The current style is hip hugging, low rise, low slung shorts and pants and skirts. I valiantly struggled to like them but they all lend themselves to bloop.

Bloop is the area between where pants are supposed to sit which is on the waist line and the area where the current style has them sitting, which is low on the hip area.
That overhang poochy part is bloop.
Bloop is not attractive.
I've heard this area called muffin top, but its still bloop hangin in a muffin top like arrangement over the hipline of the pants.

Everyone wearing this style has bloop showing and we are all into denial and act like we dont see this bloop. Bloop is NOT pleasing to the eye people, I dont care if you try to lead our eyes away from the bloop in the front and on the sides with those thong bikinis and tatoos on the backside by your cleavage but its STILL THERE!!

Bloopage. I so see you all pulling and tugging your shirts down, thats NOT helping either.
Bloop just sits there on top of the hip band of the pants and we all just go about pretending that that 4 inch strip of pant with pockets on it below the belt loops is really your butt.

The real backside starts a good 6 inches above that area. Those are cheeks showing, not your back.

Do you all just ignore this bloopage when buttoning your pants in the morning or are you on tippy toes and sucking in your stomache and do not notice it?

What designer sits there and says "Lets make wide sparkly belts and sparkly hugging shirts for the low slung pants"? I mean whats with all these thin tight shirts that bound back up above the bloop so that it is exposed?

When you sit down and you have to cover your back with your purse because there is cleavage and bloop all over the place do you not think to yourself that you need to call the store and demand more material to be used for pants, or shorts or skirts? Clothing that have waist lines where god intended waist lines to be on the clothes so that you do not have to feel this bloopage going on?

As you know; I have gained weight and I had to actually go shopping for new clothes. In shopping for slacks I have become so frustrated in this hip hugger style that abounds among us. I have no interest in baring my midrif. I have plenty of bloop and I do not intend to show it off, and YES I tried hip hugger shorts in khaki color and camel color and in buff color and there was still bloop. I did indeed complain LOUDLY and with much huff and puff.

I even grabbed the bloop and told the sales lady, "WHERE IN THE HECK IS THIS PART SUPPOSED TO GO???"
I dont quite think she was expecting that.

I only see this style working on people under the age of 15 and those that live in the gym with a handler all day excersizing the hell out of their midriff.
If you have no bloop please go pick out some khaki low slung hip hugging pants and some of those thong thingies and enjoy but as for me, I'm just going with the regular white high rise undergarments and the shorts I found in blue that were the highest waisted I could find.
If you see billowing white instead of bloop please DO NOT TAP ME ON THE SHOULDER, I know that my underclothes are showing and I prefer this. I really really do.
My jiggly parts are meant to be covered and if I have to cover them with billowing white cotton briefs and my pants show this, trust me; I DONT CARE!

But if you are insisting on informing me that my unders are showing:
I of course will turn around and sweetly explain that my tattoo is healing and just as soon as my thong comes back from the dry cleaner I'll be lettin you all see my bloopage but for now its a white surrender flag going on under my shirt.

Our jiggly parts are meant to be squished into pants not sitting on top of them.

The Oprah show I was watching actually emphasised how attractive high waisted pants are on a woman and if Sarah, skinny assed whatshername can hawk a whole line of clothes covering bloopage, please please please lets support her and her new line of clothing!!!!

Love Song

2008-04-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

My son wrote a song. WROTE, A, SONG.
He wrote a song for the piano and another piece for the drum to play with it. I sat at the top of the stairs looking down at him playing it last night and figuring the ending and he played over and over. I leaned my head against the banister and just let the tears roll.
After he got up I kissed his cheeks and his forehead.
"That," I told him, "That was a love song straight to my heart."
I remember when you begged for piano lessons. I remember playing chopsticks with you to have fun with you to jolly you through the year you didnt want to play any more. I remember you desperately wanting to play drums. I remember holding you and seeing you grinning as an infant when music played. I KNEW you loved music since you were born. Seeing you create, seeing you create music with your brain and hands spoke to me."
Moments like this send me on a high for weeks.
Love pure. Pride like I've never had.
You cant get it better than that!

Hair

2008-04-07T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I am vain. I didnt think so but I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed vain.
If you remember 2 years ago we were hit in this household by the "GREAT MIDLIFE CRISIS".
Not understanding how you got to point B even though you slogged through point A busting your ass and doing everything required of you and being so miserable. Thats pretty much what begins the Midlife Crisis. Being dissatisfied at the Empire you've created.
Having a teenager and getting older sucks. Recognizing your limits and dissatisfaction sucks.
Well..during this whole transition that this wrench threw into our peaceful household, I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was gaining weight, falling asleep at my desk, in the car, taking naps continually and having real depressing thoughts. I was first diagnosed with PMS. yeah *snort* that was an easy diagnosis. But when I started having real panic attacks and ending up inthe Urgent Care or Emergency room thinking I was dying I demanded to be helped. I sat across from one doctor in the Urgant Care one night and told him I wasnt leaving until I got help. He was extremely intuitive and while not mushy or condescending he basically told me to feel my own pulse, it was normal, I wasnt dying of a heart attack. He said panick attacks however ARE the signal that something IS wrong and he ordered a battery of blood work. Like 7 viles.
It was discovered that I was severely hypothyroid and that I was also very anemic. Hense the weight gain and sluggish feeling. Panick attacks and depression are all part of it too. I'm also that delightful age that doctors start using the word "perimenopausal" and "age appropriate vitamins". *shudder* I looked around and realized that my husband was going through his own identity crisis and I was on my own on this monster called "Your metabolism now sucks" and I also noticed that there were lots and lots of cute girlies at our work and now I was the chubby old bag next to them.
I took to the treadmill with a vengeance. Between the thyroid meds, me not eating very much and the walking/exercises, I got down to 120 lbs. I felt better, more confident and was on the mend.............
Fast forward to October of this past year.
My Grandma died, I fell and got severely hurt and work became stressful; I started packing on the pounds, I've told you all this before.
But;
This time I freaked. I went out and got all new makeup. I started wearing vibrant eye shadows. Cuz;you know................I hoped you wouldnt notice my ass growing if my eyes were so amazingly beautiful.
I got hair extensions. yup. *sigh* I did. I hoped that my long tresses would take focus off my widening thighs and hips and I'd be in proportion more.
I got new size large and X-large clothes, hoping that if you didnt see my rolls and my clothes were looser that it would make it all go away. I'm 5 foot even and even the slightest weight gain shows on my chin/neck and butt. I tried all ways of disguising this......
I still hate myself.
But the hair extensions are so fantastically beautiful. But its an extravagance. I dont like spending money on myself. I did it out of desperation so that my husband still thinks of me as a younger more beautiful person. So that I see myself as a more younger beautiful person. I hurt my feelings when I look in the mirror.
Maybe with all this outer camouflage
no one will notice that I'm 151 lbs and have all types of muffin tops and tootsie rolls and backfat and all those other words to discribe excess baggage visibly noticable to the naked eye But the truth is: I still know Im fatter than I've ever been and I'm getting fatter and I hate exercising and I love cookies.
I LOVE COOKIES
*sigh*
Now Here is the dilemma;
I dont want to spend the money on my hair anymore. I'm sick of it. Sick of the waste. Sick of the lie. I'm a more honest person than this.
But I so am so vain that the idea of taking them out and me going back to my old short hair and pin head with giant hips has tears in my eyes.
When did I get this vain???? Where did this come from? Is this my own version of a midlife crisis?
I look at my long hair via the extensions and my ass just doesnt seem as big, not as noticeable.
Is this truth? What do you think? Be more genuine or go for the camouflage?

Let me ponder this while I'm sitting here
munching on my cookies................

Books!

2008-04-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

I just posted this on another blog in response to the question about books that made a difference in our life:

"I LOVE books! All books. Well except for scarey books. I read 5 True Crime books in my 20's in a row and didnt sleep for weeks. I'm going to be 44 and I still remember the terror of those weeks. I could NEVER read past page 2 of a Stephen King book. *shudder* my imagination is too vast. I love non-fiction and read copious amounts of it. I'm trying to sludge my way through this Eckhart Tolle book from Oprahs list and I just DONT GET IT!. Ok I get it but its a long book to just say "Do onto others as you'd have them do unto you".
The books that changed my life was the Anne of Green Gables Series! ...... I read the book "Annie get your gun" one whole night in bed by the light of the street light thru my window in middle school. And the "the Diary of Ann Frank" and Warsaw" in the same manner. My heart opened and I've never been the same since. I'm sure other books along the way changed me too but these stick out in my mind. I'm going to copy and paste this post and post it on my blog until you say I cant since this is a WONDERFUL question and I've pondered it for a very long time since I first read it. I had to think hard...."

What a WONDERFUL question. It took days for me to think of these books And there are more but that post was turning into a book sized answer itself. How about you? What books changed or affected your life?
I read so much non-fiction and self help that I'm sure I've taken twists and turns along the way according the current "advice" I'm recieving via the written word. Like right now I'm also reading the book by Dr. Phil about Families. I'm too lazy to go upstairs and get it to accurately type the title but basically yeah I'm doing things all wrong with my teen. *sigh*
But back to books that changed my life.
I have loved books since the day I met my first one. I read all the books in the "junior" section in the library and had to get special permission from our librarians to start on the adult side. They made me wait A WHOLE YEAR. When I was 14 they allowed me to go on over (but my Grandma got me books out all the time from the adult side, they just didnt know they were for me) and I started at the A's and went on.
I love facts, I love a good "prarie" novel, I love mysteries without gore and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sherlock Holmes and any book by Zane Grey. Shoot em up ol westerns!!! heh. I read "Deception Point" by Dan Brown and almost called in sick from work to finish it as it WAS THAT good!
My son hates to read. It is the one single personality trait that broke my heart into a gazillion pieces when I realized it. I read to him as a child, I read to him every night before bed too!!! He to this day likes being read to but hates reading and hates books. It makes my heart shrivel in pain as I type this. My best friends growing up were books and so I dont understand not loving a book. I will spend all my spending money at a book store and I am addicted to the glossy pages of magazines and have them lying everywhere around me. I am currently addicted to Psychology magazines. Magazines I regularly scope out: "Oprah" (I get this occasionally,nice short articles full of usefull info) "Psychology today", "Scientific American Mind"( my new FAVE), and the "Discovery" magazine is awesome too!! I always get "The Readers Digest" its like comfort food for me. And I get the "National Geographic" occasionally.
I go without food, clothes and the newest shoes and purses because I spend all my money on words..........

Spring break and Halo in the morning and Halo all night!

2008-03-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

This is the first year in many many many years that I have taken off work the week of my son's School Spring Break. Let me tell you what! I'm having fun! I've been totally reconnecting with my son and playing. Yup. I have been playing Halo on line. I suck.
I really really suck at this game. I suck at all first person games and this is a First person game that I REALLY suck at. But I'm still playing and having a blast. My son is having the time of his life laughing at me getting splattered all over the map. I must admit to just plain enjoy this connection we are having at the moment.
I read in Dr. Phils book that in order to connect with a teen or child for that matter we have to play games and sometimes even pick up their lingo so that they feel that we ARE understanding them a bit.
Hence the word suck. My son said he sucks at this game too. So I guess I suck at it in good company. heh.
Playing an online game is kindof nerve wracking. No one knows its me, but it feels like there is more "performance Pressure" or something. Its a funny feeling. Kids who know my son are called "friends" and when friends come on line they start talking and I have to ignore them because I would DIE if they knew it was my sons mom playing, but I just found out that they get pissed at getting dissed' (another teen word meaning disrespected).
Yeah you read that right, people talk to each other on this game and you hear them through a head set. All the people just blurting out on this game. It is so not what I played when I was almost 15. I think I was riding my bike and collecting butterflies and types of ladybugs and riding horses and daydreaming in our big tree while reading Nancy Drew books or some such thing. Perhaps that was 12 and I'm just getting it all mixed up.
Do you play Video games on line?

Bum wrap

2008-03-05T06:56:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling with weight for 3 years now.......I havent "struggled" before. I have been alternately; thin, chubby, average, huge while pregnant and then chubby, average and thin. I yo-yo up and down all the time, always have. I am 5 feet tall and I've been 99 pounds and I've been 184 pounds. But I've never ever felt like I do now.

Now I struggle with self inflicted mortification at my overweightedness. I was 151 pounds in December. Last February I was 120.

The day that my Grandmother died March 7th I started gaining weight in leaps and bounds. I am hypothyroid and stress effects me differently. So do my Mothers cinnamon rolls.

Whatever I eat or stress about sticks on me like glue and my metabolism shuts right off and my body starts 'hoarding' and wont burn off food normally. Of course stress also makes us want to eat more comfort foods. In my case this is cookies and bread. When I went home for my Grandmothers funeral, all the family and emotional stress hit me like a ton of bricks. Work stress was at an all time high at that time and just a few days before she passed away I had fallen while ice skating and ended up in the hospital and suffered from a contusion/concussion and was on heavy painkillers. Painkillers can mess up your metabolism too. I'd rather blame painkillers and stress than the copious amounts of comfort food my Mom was dishing out to all of us while we were there at her house for the kick start of that weight gain.

I am currently at 146. I exersize and walk a mile a day on the treadmill. I keep telling myself its all about being "fit" but I cry in dressing rooms when I get the urge to buy a new outfit. Literally tear up and have to leave the store.

I dont lose this damn weight.......it just stays there giving me the finger every morning.

I need new work clothes. I want a new skirt that fits me right. (get it; bum wrap.)
But I hate the whole awkwardness of trying on things, getting upset that my ass is larger than I think, the shirts and blouses gape at the button closures, I hate the fact that my upper arms dont fit in some short sleeved things. I agonize over color choices and what I have that can go with what is available and then in the end; I have a handful of clothes I've aganoized over the choices of that all are useless and dont fit and look horrendous on me.

Its self inflicted I know. Its stupid to be this concerned. But I am. It bothers me every second of every day. I struggle with the wrongness of this.

Saturday as we were watching my son perform all I could think about was how huge my ass was........how clomping up and down the bleacher steps was so embarrassing because I felt everyone staring at me. Why do I even think people are that concerned.

Do I stare at people and judge their weight?
Well yes, I must admit I am judgemental. I do compare. I do it mostly to myself though to be completely up front. I look at others but I am judging myself in comparison. But I surely do look. I am so nosey about other people. I check out what they are wearing, what purse they have, how they do their hair, and their weight.

Because of all that judgemental staring; I do know that in all fairness, I am of average weight in comparison to other women of my age. Size 10 on good days and size 12 others.

*sigh*

I prefer to be of the few Moms though that are fantastically thin and toned.....dress in fabulous high heeled boots, amazingly tight jeans with no muffin top in sight, shirts that are cute and in style and walk with confidence and dont appear to be worried that people might notice that they wore their longest shirt to cover their bad assets.

I see these Moms and silently send them kudos. I sure hope they realize how lucky and fabulous they are. Or appear to be.

Chums

2008-03-04T06:23:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up I had one best friend until 3rd grade, another until high school and another from high school until I was an adult..........It isnt that I changed friends three times, I just lost touch with them through moving or school changes.....I didnt have a group of friends. I had a best friend. That was it. I had a couple of girls I hung out with on Sundays or at Bible study but they werent good friends and we had very little in common.....other than our religion or our parents being friends.
My best friends were my everything. And I find it funny that I am still in contact with each one of those girls to this day......I have one best friend now too in adulthood......It seems I'm not a 'gaggle of girls' kind of gal. I like one special friend at a time. Each period of my life is marked with a Best friend. I find that funny too. Funny interesting.

No matter what I do that is new; If I write to a forum or I start a new job or I move to a new neighbor hood I'm always searching for a "kindred spirit" or a new best friend. A new best chum for that period of life I guess. I dont have a sister, I have all brothers. Perhaps I'm searching out a sister type. I find it more interesting that in the one period of my adulthood that I didnt have a best friend I found my husband. He became my best friend and then we married.

My son however has a large group of friends. He always has friends over, friends who want to come over, friends waiting for him, friends calling him and friends all over him. He has to be limited from texting and IMing because he has too many friends that all want a bit of his time.............I LOVE this about my son. I wished for him to have lots of friends. When you have a child with a birth defect of some type, any type, you instantly wonder about his interaction with others and his abitlity to be able to have pals and chums. He has proven that his birht defect is so minimized and in the shadows in comparison to his outstanding charming personality. He wins over people instantly.
But......here is the interesting part. He has a best friend always too.......

He has best friend girl friends.
He has tons of chums in boys and girls but he always has a best friend TOO. But its a girl friend. Interesting isnt that?

I admire him greatly in that wherever or whatever he is doing or accomplishing, he wins over others, becomes the leader and he has chums following him everywhere...
Saturday was his first Winter Drumline competition and here he was walking everywhere with a group of kids following him. My heart was THRILLED for him. He doesnt realize how lucky he is to have this charming ability but I know. I am glad for him.

Going through life with good chums, friends and a girlfriend is such a blessing if you will. A good support system. I pray that he keeps good friends and can continue haveing such a good clean group around him. Cross your fingers.

Screemo Music

2008-02-29T08:11:00.000-08:00

I appoligize to all of you who love Scream-o music but I have to vent.

I am absolutely terrorized by screamo music. My son is now flirting with loving screamo music. Punk music with tons of vommitting on the microphone sounds. Hard metal rock with screaming parts. All of it makes me have a panic attack.It wafts up my nostrils, curls itself around my ear canals, reaches my brain and I FREAKIN WIG OUT.

My brain shrivels up, hardens and cracks just like when you throw a rock at a mirror.

Do this experiment with me. Take your hand up to your mouth like your holding a microphone. Now pretend you are vomitting your lunch over a toilet bowl. no. LOUDER. Like PUKING YOUR GUTS OUT. Like your stomache is so pissed that it needs to come up and out and eat your lips. THAT is what screamo music is.

I cant listen. I cringe and my heart beats fast and I literally have a panic attack.

My son sticks his ipod earbuds in and thinks I cant tell he's listening. Ummmm Muffled puking is still audible. heh. I yank them out and tell him if he doesnt change the song then I'm deleting his whole itunes list.

Crap that works every time. Back in the olden days my Mom used to threaten "no dessert" as my golden ticket punishment. That was the only one that worked like a magic wand.

I've found my magic wand in the ipod/itunes threat.
Yeahaw praise the Lord.

Dieting with cookies

2008-02-26T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to cut out certain foods in my diet to help me loose this huge caboose Im dragging around.

My husband bought me lovely Victoria Secret Gifts and they are for a much smaller assed woman. I tried to return them but they are on clearance now. He paid 40 some dollars and now they are on sale for $8.49 and I refused to exchange a $40 pair of fancy assed pajamas for one bottle of lip gloss. So I kept them and will try to exchange my ass for smaller size.

But I'm addicted to cookies.
I am trying to cut out all food except cookies. My boobs, feet and wrists are a smaller size now, but my ass is one size bigger.
I think I need to cut out more foods. What do you think?

I cant cut out cookies. My husband just brought home my order of Girl Scout Cookies. Its like sugar fantasy land on my counter right now.

Did I mention that I'm addicted to cookies? I wonder if I can loose weight on a coffee/tea/cookie diet?

Groundings

2008-02-21T07:04:00.000-08:00

I used the "Grounding" punishment for the first time day before yesterday. I was very very angry and upset and dissappointed with my son and grounded him for a month. From his laptop, girlfriend and movies. He can "lightly" text. I let him keep texting because we can't call him at school.

He has 3 big school projects upcoming and I took Monday off of work so that he had the whole 3 day weekend with the computer and printer and me at his beck and call to help. He is involved in Science Olympiad and also needed to start making the project for Music Science. We were to go to get the supplies during that 3 days also..... He also was to practice his piano and read his required reading.

After School on Friday I picked up his girlfriend and his friends and took them out for tacos because I felt bad that he wouldnt see her for the 3 day weekend but he had so very much to do........
On Saturday he spent so much time on his phone and he kept begging me to let him go at least bowling on Monday. I said no a gajjilion times but dang it I totally caved and gave in to two hours only of bowling on Monday, just to get him off the phone making plans....... IF he got his stuff done.

He farted around the whole 3 days on his phone and IM and making all the plans for the bowling and for the following weekend and then dinked around on his laptop and just basically did nothing but talk and play and make plans for that Monday.

He left for bowling at 11:30 and didnt come back until 4:30, the WHOLE day just gone! poof, the whole weekend GONE and nothing done............ I checked what he had done so far on his reports......just a page ONE PAGE!

He got home and I totally nagged him to hurry up and at least get something done....I went to see how he was doing after 45 minutes and he was texting, playing on his laptop AND talking to his girlfriend on the phone!

Steam was BILLOWING from my ears.
I grounded him for one month to relieve him of the necessity to make plans, waste time worrying if I am or am not going to let him go anywhere and from me having to argue about it all. He needed obviously to be relieved of the obligation to make plans of any sort because he takes hours and days making plans and talking and deciding for that plan.So I said, "You need one month off and I'm giving it to you, you will be restricted from everything that stands in your way of accomplishing your school work and obligations."

Cross your fingers that I stick to it.

See, I grew up in a family that just said no to everything, I was not allowed extra curricular school activities nor was I allowed to do things with my friends. Just NO to everything. I try to be different and allow him to be a normal part of society, I grew up clueless. But then he takes advantage and I blew up........

I want to stick to this punishment though. He spends so much time COMMUNICATING. in all forms..........the rules are so different now than when I was a kid. We didnt have this many devices to communicate.

*sigh* I sincerely want to stick to this one month so he can see how much time he wastes on everything. He said last night that he understood some of the punishment but not the taking away the girlfriend for a month, he even begged me to say yes to her coming over on Friday afternoons and I said no because we are taking up time again argueing about it, just NO for one month. Then I sit in the kitchen and chew all my fingernails off because I worry that I'm too mean and he'll be rebellious later because I crack down too hard. I watch Dr. Phil and see shows on husbands that yell at their wives and then worry that my yelling will be considered mental abuse later or something.

Wish us well.

Rain clouds

2008-02-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

Its Raining. Misty rain. drizzle. Its cloudy.
I hate rain. Others find it cozy and comforting but I find it depressing. I get tired and sluggish and morose and quiet and suppressed. Depressed. I hate it.
Today on the way to bring my son to school I passed 2 accidents. Slick roads. Just what I need I sighed. Getting in an accident in the early am with coffee breath, frizzled bed head, raccoon eyes from an unwashed face and my pink fuzzy slippers on. I always forget to put on shoes when we run out of the door in the morning.
I need the sun to come back.

Although as a little bonus to help me through the day, there was a huge arch of a rainbow right over our house. We could see it 3-D as we drove under it. It was a marvel indeed. It was huge and awe inspiring.I've never seen a rainbow that close before. It was almost touchable. It was like driving through a cloud but it was color. If any of you have seen the Disney light show you will know that they show a special type of movie on the spray mist of water...It was just like that, like a projection of color on the rain mist. It was a fantastic way to start the day..........

It almost made up for the fact that my son casually mentioned as we were driving that I needed to give him $500 today for his school band trip..........

I wonder if that is why the OTHER two cars were crashed along side the road too?

Valentines Day 2008

2008-02-14T09:59:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day. Heart Day. Love Day.
I love the whole smarmy cornball day!! I really do!
When my son was little we made Valentines day special by making our own Valentines, making a whole special dinner for Daddy and making special Heart placemats, decorations, menus and calling it "the LOVE CAFE".
Yup, for reals.
My son had this easel type chalkboard and we'd write "the LOVE CAFE" on it and decorate around it with hearts. When my husband would come home we'd turn off all the lights and YELL. "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!" We'd eat by candlelight. My son got such a big kick out of it all. Me too. My husband too. We did it every year.
Until we opened up our own business and then worked until 10pm on Valentines every year. *sigh*
Vent: It burns me up inside when people say that they get so disappointed on holidays when their mate doesnt follow through. Make it big yourself. Do it up right and make the day how you want.
Now my son is a teen with a girlfriend and he wants to spend the day with her.
*sigh*
times change but it shocked me this year when he said he wanted to spend the evening with his girlfriend. I always looked at valentines as somehow a Family Love Day,...
silly mom....
BUT I solved it today with a HUGE SUPRISE ROMANTIC BREAKFAST for everyone with heartshaped pancakes and cards and everything. I hid balloons and flowers last night and got it all out this morning.
My son was thrilled, my husband blown away.
Happy Valentines everyone!!!! Go forth and make it a Love Day!!!

Raising a Teen with love and ska

2008-02-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

Oh My God I cant believe I logged in!! I havent been able to log into this account for so long! whaooooooooooooooooooooooo It didnt reject my email password combo making me doubt myself, my handwriting in my notes as to what password went to what. I've tried countless email/password/name combos over the course of the past few months and it was driving me wonkers.
I was giving it one more whirl before I created a whole new one today. I'm a happy camper right now..........ok......more like a happy blogger.

Ok what I was going to name my new blog that I thought I was going to create was "VENTING" and put a disclaimer at the top that any whining and complaining I do or did about my family was not to say I was a hater, but I was just venting. So many blogs I read sound like hatred or anger but I know its all venting.

I've been reading many blogs of late. Clicking randomly on other peoples lists of blogs they read. I didnt find one that dealt with raising teens. Lots of them deal with cute babies or toddlers. Lots of cute baby stories. Lots of rants and ventings. THere are even a TON of homeschooling blogs that do mention raising teens but none with what I was hoping to find. If any of you read a blog about raising teens I'd love to read it.
Please recommend it.

I have a 14 yr old male that I'm raising. He's an only child so of course this puts a different spin on raising him too. He gets the best and worst of Mom and Dad. Too much attention to his trivia.
Poor guy.

But then! He also gets first pick at everything and our yesses out number the no's. He gets all the attention that I see lacking sometimes in his friends households when frazzled parents have to divide what little attention they have to give among many.

The latest household drama: Ska. Skanking. Punk. Drums. Interpertive dance.

Let me expalain; Ska is a type of music, you can google it or go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ska to see what it is. The written explanation doesnt do it justice because it is really from what I've heard more like jazzy punk music but little screaming. Punk has more screaming and way more cuss words. I'm not a fan of listening to the screaming into a mike. I'm sorry if that upsets you fans of the screaming part but there it is. It sounds like vomitting to me. I am a loud vomitter. It reminds me of me with the stomache flu with great music in the background.
I took my son to his first ska punk concert last night. I LOVED it. I truly did. I did not like the vulger word/screamfest that some bands did but I did like the punk music and ska music. YouTube it if you must have examples. I stayed and scoped out what it was all about. I refused to just drop him and his friends off.

I didnt like the screamo songs and when bands sing with lots of cuss words I laugh. The bands last night were local garage bands playing for local teens so of course the lyrics were a bit unoriginal and kind of imature. But it made me laugh out loud how often they swore. I giggled at them, it was like they put every swear word they could think of into the song so that they could live it up with out getting in trouble under the guise of "its just singing".

I'll give you a specific example just to prove I'm not disdaining the punk rock band just because they vomitted alot, I mean, sang alot of screaming songs. 4 of the 5 bands had a song called "I F***ing hate our town" or "F*** our town", and one band had a great vomitting Sex song all about "F***ing P***y" and it was more about the F word than anything because that is the only word I really understood in the whole song. Song? Did I just say song? lordy. But the band playing the music itself was great. Very good for a garage band, I just didnt like the screaming vulgarities.

I guess I'm just old fashioned that way. Just give me non screaming lyrics that I can understand that are missing the F word and I might, just might like the song.

It was in an old VF hall the bands rented. The most amazing part was not the gaggle of children with black rimmed eyes and skinny jeans out smoking weed behind the bushes far into the parking lot, no.........the thing that attacked my heart was the huge amount of teens and preteens SMOKING CIGARETTES. Lordy people! I remember kids walking home from school when I was a kid sneaking some puffs but these kids were devouring these cigarettes in a manner that showed they smoke PACKS not a few puffs!

The interesting thing about being short and rather young looking is that a teen my sons age came right up and asked me for a cigarette!! I stood there stunned like a deer in the headlights, my son just said 'nah we dont have any' and his friend behind me offered her some snacks she had. But it bothers me. Really bothers me. Do these parents NOT SMELL THIS STUFF ON THEIR KIDS???
Am I this naive to not know this about the preteens and teens of ours in the world today? It really really caught me by suprise. The drugs I kinda expected and stayed just to see how inhibited they were in this place, but they all smoked cigarettes outside like old people hanging outside the bar on a Friday night.

The other thing that suprised me? The sheer fun of skanking. YouTube it. Its a fun dance kids do with ska music, its not a mosh pit. It is just like a more elaborate two step dance I guess. I almost got up myself to try it. Almost. But then I remembered that I'm old and my son would have DIED if I did.

But it sure looked fun. I didnt appreciate the kids hitting or pushing the skanking kids, that part of it is odd but that is what they do. And they spin each other and drag each other and bang into each other and fall into a football like huddle laughing through the bruises. Its all rather advanturous to me.
I loved it. Watching it. Feeling the teens exhuberance and all that bottled up energy let loose. God I wish I'd been able to do stuff like that with all my energy when I was a kid.

And yah the kids were glad I stayed if you are wondering. My son is lucky, and we are lucky that he has a tight group of friends that dont do anything to hide from a parent so as resident parent, they were fine with me staying in the back leaning against that ol Veterans Hall wall. By the trash. Until someone hawked a loogie and I almost hurled. I moved. Against another wall. By two boys holding hands and whispering to each other. Then they started spinning each other and giggling. I think they were on something with their shiney eyes and googly smiles. I just sat tight. I was there to watch my boy, but it sure makes me wonder...........

Well that is todays venting.......I hope I can log in again soon and do this again. Heh.

He is still playing drums like a madman and now playing for an interpretive dance group at the college. On trash cans. And PVC tubes. And a car rotor.....Fun adventures ahead!

Summer memories

2007-07-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

Summer. *sigh*

When I was a kidlet that meant bare feet, popsicles and playing til dark. Playing til dark meant 10 o'clock.

Deliscious.

I'd pull down my shorts ever so slowly so that they sat looking like eye glass rims, two gaping leg holes so that I could jump out of bed in the morning, sling aside my nightgown and jump right into those two holes and pull up those shorts as fast as I could. I'd lay my t-shirt or tank top neatly above them so I could grab and slither into it as fast as my arms could manage.
Running down the stairs ever so lightly so as not to make a creak and then out the door.
Trying not to slam that ol wooden screen door behind me.

We had chores when I was a kid.

You dont hear of that too much now a days. But. oh lordy the list of chores my Mom could conjure up fast like was incredible.

We had 2 large gardens with lots of weeds. I'd say we had more weeds than plants but my folks beg to differ. We had to do 2 rows a day. Two long rows that could take hours. Then feeding the animals, then yard chores and then the dreaded inside chores. Chores in summer take a zillion times longer. Or at least they felt that way.

But oh! Oh the sweet luxury of being hot and sweaty and then Mom hollering she was loading up to go to the slough. Whahooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Nowadays if I told my son he was going swimming in a muddy slough with bloodsuckers he'd look at me with horror and run the other way. Back in the day, man oh man was it luxury. Ridin in the back of the pickup with the dog. Wind whippin in your face. Diving in and racing to the platform somone built a bazillion years ago and crawling up panting like the dog back at the beach barking.

Yup, sweet luxury.

Our dog though. Our dog though, was something during swimming season.

He didnt like swimming. Huh UH! He'd holler and bark and moan and howl and then swim out and grab us by the swim suit and paddle his heart out getting us to shore.
We started leaving him home locked in the basement just to save him from all that lost energy. One time he broke my swim suit strap "saving" me and that made me madder than heck.

I shore do miss them good ol summer days.

Now its water parks and swimming pools and "play dates". *sigh* It is against the law to ride in the back of a pickup and if you bring your dog anywhere with out a leash you'd better be prepared to pay a fine.

*sigh*

Remember watermelon seed spitting contests? Yeah right. Now they dont have any watermelons on the market with seeds. Can you imagine? Whats a picnic without some seed spittin?

*sigh*

What else am I missing.?

I miss sittin outside talkin after the sun went down. My folks and Grandfolks used to get out the lawn chairs, not plastic chairs but good ol metal lawn charis with green webbing and sit outside talkin and telling stories and eatin and spittin and firguring out who was going to drive for Saturdays fishin.

FISHING!!! *sigh* oh I miss fishing.

Lordy do I miss the good ol days today or what??

I'll tell you why. My day was a lazy city summer day today off from work.
I got in the pool, watched a movie I rented from Hollywood video a week ago and never got a chance to see and then took my son to Starbucks on the way to pick up my truck from getting repaired. No popsicles, no slough fun and certainly no seed spittin involved. We sat in air conditioned car, air conditioned auto service dept and then drank a $5. prepared drink. I dissappointed myself today.

*sigh*

Busted being an old lady

2007-06-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

Several things prompt me to write.
One) I found myself tearing out a recipie from a magazine yesterday.
I held that page and just went into shock.
I
just
tore
a
freakin
recipie
out
of
a
magazine
like
some
old
lady

God. Just like my Mother with random bits of magazine paper floating in between books, on counters, in drawers, all with bits of recipies. Next I'll probably want to host a damn POTLUCK or something.

Two) I find myself missing writing.

I actually kept no record or link or "favorite" of this blog and therefore lost my memories of everything in cluding its name. I also switched computers and lost lots of favorites of where I used to post with this name also. *sigh* what a hassle it was to try to find.
I will try to find tidbits of life to add so that my memory can not lag like that again.
Oh!

3 day sad mommy camp

2006-09-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

ok here's the deal. My son is away for 3 days at camp on an island studing marine biology and having the time of his life. I'm weepy and irratable and knarly sad for my baby. Not having any way to call or check on him till he comes back. I'm petulant and not in a good mood.
God what am I going to do when he goes to college? Now I do indeed know why teens turn into monsters, it is so we dont feel like this and instead are so happy for the peace and quiet but right now I dont feel like that.
And if one more person at work tells me that I'm being silly and "but he's haveing fun" I will positively CHOKE them.
I dont care if he's having fun. Well duh I do and I'm glad but right now its about me and this huge chunk of sadness in my heart from missing my son.
And I read this post on Lauras blog about how no one will love her like her Lilly and I cried for like 2 hours and that made it even worse and she's so right.
I adore my son and he loves me like no other and my husband cant even fill that place.
I just want to hug him and call his cell phone and see his smiley face.
*sigh*

Purple Martinis

2006-09-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

Well last Saturday I begged for babysitting and invited my husband out again.
I'm game for dancing and having a drink if he wants to do this now. He is all into the hip hop scene, swingin and swayin and grindin and groovin. I'm trying to keep up to him people. The man is in MOTION. I just want him to know as a partner that I am here, I am with him and I'm game for his adventure into the future.
Our son is baffled. The neighbors though we were going to a lounge not a hip hop club. My friends shriek and giggle "CLUBBING!!???" "YOU are Clubbing?" And they giggle some more until I have to show my booty swingin moves and they fall to the ground in writhing laughter.
Then I get shy and doubt this whole adventure I've taken. heh. But you know what? Friday night we were having ourselves a great "getting the groove on" time even though we were the officially oldest ones in the room including the freakin OWNER of the club.
I had 3 long island ice teas. It took THAT MANY TO get up the courage to try to imitate that booty swingin that goes on.
But when the lady came around to sell roses and little teddy bears, I got both.A white rose and a teddy bear that says "I Love You". Just like a young booty grinding date.
Did you read the part where I had 3 long island ice tea drinks?
I was sick all the next day.
My hip hurt and my knees needed some bengay creme.
My husband was all up and at'em and ready for work dressed to the nines by 10 am the next day and he had already gone out the night before too!!!

Oh.
And yes they had Purple Martinis. They were bitter.

Lets go Disco baby, LETS GO!

2006-09-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ok so I dont know how many of you have been following along closely but if you have you will have taken note of the fact that my husband and I are going through somewhat of a transition period. We are readjusting to each other. We have a teen son in the house and this has made all kinds of changes in the perspective and attitude of the parental figures.
My husbands new interest lately has been in going out. I call it going out "out" to differentiate from regular going out. Going out as a family or going out to dinner versus going out "out" just the two of us. It has rarely happened. This is a very sad fact that I encourage no one else to let happen. Go out and go OFTEN with your spouse with out kids.
Now let me say this again. My husband has developed the current interest in going out "out". That means to the clubs. To Bars. To Bistros. To Danceclubs. To Dance. To Drink and to dance. Ok did you hear me? To dance. Back in the day they were called 'discos'. My husband before child days would say "Do you want to go to the disco?" and I'd reply yes (usually). Now they do NOT call them discos and when you go out often it is called clubbing. Back in the day; clubbing was something bad hunters did to the heads of bears. Clubbing nowadays is much different than going to the discos back in my day. It is a weekend sport that you do. It has rules today. Back in the day you just had to have cover charge and a nice black outfit and enough money for one drink. You stood or danced or talked or even danced with your girlfriends if without a guy.
Today you must be bootyliscious. TO JUST GET IN TO THE PLACE>
I'm a little plump but not tiny waisted and bootyliscious. I'm certainly not as boobyliscious as these girls are today either.
Boobaliscious. oh my. Did I just type that? yes! You must have a boobaliscious top on with a killer bra and tiny skirt and thigh high socks or something like that.
Something that shows tight cleavage of the boobs AND YOUR ASS! I cant believe how much cleavage below the belt was necessary for the outfit to be acceptable.
We went to a club together last Saturday night.
yuppers.
I have not often been invited to go with my husband and I asked him to take me out. He asked me to a downtown club and dinner before hand.
People I freaked like it was my first date.!!!
I got that son of mine an overnight sleepover plan in action faster than you could say...... um........... bootyliscious.
Then I dropped him off and went CRAZY all over town trying to find a cute/cool outfit that wouldnt date me nor make me look like a 42 year old in a juniors section outfit.
I ended up with a cute swingy black skirt, high heal black kick ass shoes and a cream halter top with gold threads running through it. It had a satin bow that tied up under the left breast. It was smokin hot on. I took hours with my hair and makeup and really put some "glam" on. I was so excited I was humming AND shaking.
My husband came home with FLOWERS!
shoot.
Flowers.
He took one look at that low cut halter and his eyeballs rolled around and you know what he said? " WHat is all this (waving hand in front of cleavage that hasnt seen daylight since I was in junior high) about?"
Lordy people did I giggle???!! I giggled from that moment on during the whole date.
We went to dinnner, he opened car doors and restaraunt doors for me. I felt like a Princess. I floated on his arm. I really really felt special.
We drove an hour to downtown and parked. Oh my there were many loooong lines of KIDS.
KIDS. OH MY GOD THEY ARE ALL KIDS waiting in line. We were like ancient folk. I bravely put my head up on high and stood by my Man like the proud woman I should be. See; in those lines is lots of men my mans age but with young chicklets. My Man was with an old henlet. I bravely tossed that halters satin bow about a bit more and stood with all the chicklets and waited for the door man to notice my um........... what did I think was going to get us in? ............ Let's See. hmmmmmmmmmm.
See? Now a days atclubs you wait in line unless you know someone inside to get you in or the door man lets you in if you are young, a chic, or have big boobs or a cute tattoo on your ass cleavage. Skirts and boots get you in IF you arent wearing a bra. I noticed that thongs were getting in pretty fast. I had Granny unders on with little hula girls, my maxx risque panties. Hey! What can I say? I didnt KNOW what got me in.... Not that I can do flosswipe on my hiney very well but I'd be game to try if I get to go out again.
You are not going to get into a downtown hot club if you are a guy, a group of guys, flat and ugly or are an older couple out on a date on a saturday night with a yen for the club life again. My husband actually asked the man how we could get into this disco. oh my we stood there a LONG time after that. DISCO? The door man's eyebrows stood up by themselves.
We stood there until there were no more people and we were the last ones. The doorman said "What ARE you waiting for? I'm not letting you in." I said. "We are waiting for you to soften your heart" He unhooked the fat velvet rope and let us in.
It is a whole new world of dancers when you go clubbing instead of going to the disco.
Lets just say that back in the day it was all about big boobs and shoulders swinging and swaying and now you aint nothin' lest you can swing that back end like there is a belly dancer living in your pants.
Good lordy people it took me three rum and cokes to just kind of bounce around amongst all that bootylisciousness. Boobies and booties aflyin and grindin. 4or 5 people all rubbing up and down on each other in some kindof vertical backscratching motion. I had to hold my drink with one hand and my jaw up with the other. I was bouncing and wiggling but I had to stare at hubby to stop from gawking. He was loving it but then it did seem to be a mans dream land kind of place. I swear that there was at least $40,000 worth of Victoria Secret Secrets being shared vividly all over the place.
I had fun. I really did. It was a magical and fun and delightful evening. It was really a wonderful date. We left there at 2, we got home at 3:30 AM . I am still giggling about what happened from 3:30 to 4:30.

I wrote my husband a thank you note yesterday. It WAS THAT GREAT OF A DATE.

Memories

2006-09-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

Today is going to be a day of reflection and for many prayer.
A day of communal thoughts regarding terrorism and sorrow and healing. A day of talking about 9/11 and how it affected us.
It will be a long day of emotion.
May the collective thoughts of all of us world wide only further the healing for people who have lost loved ones due to the hand of evil.
I believe that all peoples have good and evil among them. It is only those evil people that should be hated, not any nationality, race, color or creed.
May those who are of a nationality that feel contempt from those who are ignorant receive comfort and peace and love from those who do know better. May those who are ignorant haters actually pay attention today and realize that prejudice is only ignorance and fear and they have nothing to fear.
May the fanatics realize that their higher power wishes them to be peaceful not vengeful.
May all of us realize that today is a lesson day, not a sorrowful day.
Never love anything to the point that you feel it necessary to kill everyone to have enough power to get it.

Wrinkle Free

2006-09-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

One day about 2 years ago it was pouring rain outside and that made all the kids in the neighborhood come pouring in the house ready to play inside. They were wet and steamy and loud and bored.
After they bounced from games to videos to the computer to the sons room and back again they were really really bored.
I was cleaning house and frantic about the laundry getting done. It was a Saturday and I insist on house cleaning/laundry chores to be accomplished and finished on Saturdays. I was stepping over and around and through children and the house was so vastly untidied faster than I could go back around again and tidy it. All the "vacuum lines" of a freshly vacuumed house were obliterated and it all looked exactly as it did the day before cleaning day and I was getting peeved.
I was just about ready to demand they all go to their individual homes when my son came to me and asked me if they could all play a game of in house "hide and seek". I at first said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" and then of course after much wheedling and whining and cajoling I caved.
It was a bad idea. First they were hiding in our bedrooms. They were in the coat closets, they were under the beds, they were in spare rooms, they were everywhere and into everything and I set some rules down after I found a kid in my room with all the ironing dumped out of the hamper unto their head to "camouflage" themselves. HUH oh! I had it with kids all over and into everything. So I yelled "ONE MORE ROUND of HIDING and that's it!!!"
I scooped up the last heap of dirty clothes to be washed, went downstairs to the laundry room. Opened the washer and saw that there were still wet clothes in there so opened up the dryer. As I opened the dryer door, my sons head pokes out and he yells. "BWWAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAA" really loud in my face from the dryer.
I simutaneously grabbed him by the collar and screamed bloody murder. Tears were coursing down my cheeks and I became breathlessly speechless. The anger and terror beating in my heart overpowered my senses until I literally just saw red. I grabbed that 11 year old kid and threw him from the dryer. I did this all simutaneusly in like about 5 seconds. Scream, grab, throw, cry, shake and press my hand over my beating/pounding heart. All at the same time.
I start screaming at him "WHAT were you thinking???!!! HIDING IN THE DRYER IS DANGEROUS!!" I was so scared for him and angry and scared from the scaring that he did with the "BWWAAHAAAAAAHAAAAA" that I couldn't do anything but knee jerk reaction yelling.
How could he be that dumb to actually hide and close the door of the dryer, what if I'd assumed there were clothes in there and pushed the on button again.
It literally terrified me to the point of my crying and shaking and yelling it over and over, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" Oh and did I mention that this all went on with about 9 kids staring at the wild woman with the spittle and white foam coming out of her mouth?
He kept saying "sorry mommy" "sorry" but It took a good 1/2 hour for the shaking hiney scrunching terrors to go away.
Later on after everything settled down, kids all gone, my son sitting on couch watching TV, I went in to talk to him about the dangers that little hiding place posed and I "yadda yadda..... dangerous.........heat......tossing and turning....blah blah blah....broken arms.....high temps... door locked.....yadda yadda yaddad..." til his eyes glazed over.
I inhaled a breath and he interjected with;
"Yeah, but you were so scared huh? I SO GOT YOU!"

College Madam

2006-09-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

That would be my Mother.
The College Madam.
The school Grandma.
The cool cat Granny.

My Mother who decided to go to college and university at the ripe old age of Grandmotherhood. My Mom. Yes. That would be my MOM.
This year she is living away from home in a dorm. Her university is too far of a drive. Her children are all up in arms over this. I, the oldest, am appalled. The youngest of my siblings is also apalled. This is just plain shocking to all of us, and we talk constantly about it.
She loves it. She is in her element. She is getting a kick out of going home with her sack of laundry and leaving her dorm all tidy for the weekend home. 3 days later, packing up her car with her books, laptop, and fresh clothes and heading off to school Monday Morning for the week. She loves to study and learn and contribute and write essays and be a part of college life. It has become her career and she is career oriented. A learning career.
Most who encounter her are charmed and proud and greatly impressed. I am ashamed.
Perhaps because I am jealous.
Perhaps though I just want the attention back on us kids and her grandkids where it should be. I am impressed by her but not as proud of her as she would like. She is hurt by this I know. I just shake my head and wish she'd crochet afghans and sew pretty bed quilts and just bake and cook and nurture us. Shis isnt this kind of Grandma however.
Most who hear of her success and dedication are apalled by my disdain. They are envious of her courage and drive. Yes me too I proclaim but I want chocolate chip cookies and Sunday dinners instead. ( Do you hear the whining child in me proclaiming "yeah but..."?)I want my Mom to have a cuddly lap for my son and crocheted slippers to give him. I want recipie sharing and I dont want to hear about her book list and study programs and how she did on her tests, I want her to be thinking about homey things and Grandma things.
I am measuring my Mother by a different yardstick. I am measuring her by my own needs and yearnings. I cant help it. I truly cant get over it. I want to, kind of, because I want to be truly proud of her independance and her absolute determination to finish what she started and I want to be in awe of her smartness and her cleverness. I try. I listen. I hear her. I hear that she is indeed a strong woman and a woman of this century who is going for what she wants and not letting stigma tamp her down. She is attaining what most wish for. She is indeed amazing.My head knows this but my heart has to catch up.
I called home yesterday since I knew she would be home. She was just arriving and kidding and joking around with my Dad. I feel so bad for my Dad. He tells us that without my Mom there to tell him to turn off the tv set and go to bed he nods off and sleeps in his chair until he gets so stiff that he wakes up cold and sore. Then in the wee hours he drags himself to bed. He has learned how to Instant message and my Mom instant messages him while he eats his dinner. How pathetic I think. But they are laughing and he says he is ok with it. He enjoys coming home from his work and setting the table up for my Mom on Fridays. Making her dinner and seeing her arrive in the door. Writing her emails and hearing about her adventures. I think he hates it too but he gets a kick out of my Mom. He realizes she is determined and he has accepted that he cant stand in her way.
I need to adjust to this new picture.
I need to accept the reality of my Mom being the kind of Grandma that she needs to be and not the one I need her to be.

Tooth Achies

2006-09-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry I havent kept up on my blog after getting such a great running re-start. I had part 3 of the Great Re-Excavation of Root Canal done last week and I'm grouchy and overworked at the same time. Blogging or thinking of what to blog that is remotely funny or snickerable is beyond my scope of imagination right now.

Other than the nagging migraine in my temporarily capped tooth all is just peachy.

Yeah.

so.

Carry on............... Let me not bother you with the triffles of my irritations....

Happy Labor Day weekend to you all btw. I hope that your teeth arent aching and your family is fully equipped to have the best last barbeque of the year and you are relaxin and chillin and having a grand ol time.

I'll just sit here and drool and baby my tooth achies..............

*sigh*

County Fair

2006-08-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

Saturday night we went to the County Fair in town. If there is one thing you must know about me is that I love the Fair. I love everything. I go into "Gawker Mode" and just drink in the atmosphere. As usual this is because of a childhood memory that the fair was an event of wonder. Just delicious childhood memories. I love the Fair.

As usual it was a hodge-podge of human flesh. All sorts of human flesh. All sorts of smells mingled with all sorts of things to gawk at. Smells of caramel corn and wood smoked sausage. Cotton candy and grease. Lots of missing teeth. Those people really should invest in a traveling dentist.

We went to the animals first. Tried to get into the pigs but it was closed. I really do love the pigs bestest and was sad.

Then on to the cows.
Then the goats and chickens and other Fowl.

Pigeons. Didn't realize there were so many kinds of pigeons to check out. Miles of pigeons in cages. All kinds of pigeons. All colors of pigeons. Pigeons with lots of poofy feathered heads or feet. Pigeons who looked like oil puddle colors (like an oil rainbow). Interesting. My son liked the pigeons but gagged and ran out due to his 13 year old freshly developed gag "ewwww that's gross complex". Actually he made all kinds of faces and gag noises and just generally was an embarrassment.
Then to the other areas of farm type animals. Then back to stare hungrily at the pigs that we couldn't get to.

We saw all the cute 4-Hr's in their white uniforms with their green ties and hats on. Interesting mix of 4-Hrs.

4-H is a program where by your child can learn the value of caring for something and responsibility through the rigors of raising animals. From beginning to end. It is like boy scouts with out the knots and campfires. You are awarded for your passing of certain criteria each year. Good structured program.

The parents are an eclectic mix of real cowboy, farm folk, pretty cowboys who wanna be real cow boys and real down and dirty real animal lovers who look sun toughened and hard core country folk.

Then you see the yuppy folk. The ones who live right out side of town and enjoy the see-saw of town life, and enjoy their green lawns due to the sprinkler system, yet brag about their one horse lot and the pot bellied pig they keep as a pet.

But their kid is in 4-H. Yup that would be Mr. and Mrs Klein. I saw by their name tag that she was Anne and he was Calvin.
I was checking out Mr. Kleins nice name tag and Mrs Klein busted me and gave me a viscous dirty look.

HEY! Its not my freakin fault the guy displays his name tag on the butt of his khaki pants.

And then right next to them Dr. Docker was helping his kid put baby oil all over their pig. And let me tell you that this family was so proud of their name that they had name tags alllllllllllllllll over their shirts and pants. Lots of Dockers were at the fair.

But Dr. Dockor was displaying an extra name tag that said "Land's End" so maybe that's where they come from? Interesting; all those khaki pants and shorts with name tags.
In the goat pen I saw a lot of the Levi family. They had big leather name tags on their butts. I expected Levi's to be very devout religious folk but these Levi's sure didn't seem very pious. They wore snake skin, gator skit, leather and spit brown liquid far far ahead of where they were walkin' and talkin'. Swore a lot too these people with the Levi name tags. All wore nice cowboy hats though. Hmm

Thing I thought interestin' 'bout this family tho was that they must really practice strict bladder control, perhaps it is part of their religion? I know they all have thick big bladders cuz I'll tell you that if that was me in those jeans they wear with those five buttons down the front 'stead of zippers I would be standin' in a puddle by the time I got them undone.

*Chortle*, Yeeeeeeeee-Hawwww!

I saw the Hilfiger family in the rock tent we went to to cut the geode. The Hilfigers are very patriotic. They had little red and blue flag name tags. The whole family was very good looking and I liked their red and blue outfits.
Except it was really really strange that every single one of them was named Tommy, except one cute girl of about 15 who had a shirt on that said GUESS. I got real excited cuz I had a great guess and leaned over and shouted. "AMY!" and I guess that was the wrong guess cuz they packed up and left.

Shucks. I wouldn't wear a shirt that said GUESS unless I wanted people to really take a guess!!!

I ate like a pig, I got so hungry for some strange reason!! I ate barbecue, cotton candy, popcorn, a polish sausage, probably something else which I cant remember, but I'm sure I haven't eaten that much in a week!!!!! Fair food is a whole different kind of good food.

The concert was too loud and too long and everyone stood on the benches so that you couldn't see worth crap unless you yourself tottered up on the bench seat and that kind of ticked me off but our son was reveling in the whole experience, so we just went with the flow......
He was most interested in the games this year, the ones you pay $5 for 3 balls and never win. Until they see Dad with cash and then they let you win one little one so that Dad will get competitive to win the bigger prizes and then spend more cash. This was the first year Dad and son got competitive. They got three kills for mom. 3 stuffed toys worth a total of 10$. They was done proud of themselves, yup uh huh.
All in all it was quite the experience going with a 13 year old this year!

I sure do love the fair.

It puts all of my life into perspective. focus. I'm so over thinking my life sucks.

One look at those men and woman running those games and you just know that that is what your parents mean by "Dont talk to strangers".

Blonde moment

2006-08-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

I have to tell on myself. I just have to cuz this is priceless "me" stuff that always happens. I joke that God smotes me for the things I do sometimes.

Ok here is the grand confession.

Yesterday was Saturday. duh you know that but what you don't know is that in this house Saturday is chore day. I clean like crazy and do laundry and my son has a chore list and is expected to contribute to this family by doing his chore list in a mild and giving manner. No allowance is given for this list, this is just normal contribution to the daily workings of a household, he gets paid for extra work like doing all my filing and paper shredding, crap jobs that are not normal household maintenance. I started the list since he was like 5 with easy stuff like probably if I remember, picking up toys and silverware and now he's 13 and its morphed to include pooper scooping and dusting and hauling trash out etc. Well there has hardly ever been any moaning and groaning until he hit around 12 and then it became a struggle. I have maintained the stance that if you don't chore you don't play on Saturdays but if he clean and laundry and do all these things in a manner that is not dawdling then we usually go out for a late lunch and movie or movie and dinner. Well my son woke up yesterday, no actually to be truthful he started out the day on the wrong foot with me because he refused to get up it spiraled downhill from there until I was frothing at the mouth and stomping around waving his dirty towels around proclaiming that I wasn't his personal butler.
Then for his extra job, I needed him to put new ink cartridges in the printer so that I could print some vacation pics.
Then with all his grumbling I elbowed him out of the way and started another rant.
Let me be the first to admit that when Im on a rant and rave roll, I have a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg list of things to heave off the ol' chest so I was a rantin and ravin and spewing forth and basically told my son he could just watch his Momma whip that ol printer in shape faster than he could and he was messing up how to do it and blah blah blah. He kept trying to reach for the ink and then the paper and then kept interrupting my tirade. I kept elbowing and shushing. Loud shushing with the whole finger motion too.
I loaded the photo paper in and hit "PRINT" and stomped off, he followed me going."But Mom,....." and I kept whipping around shouting "I do NOT want to hear what you have to say, GO UPSTAIRS and CLEAN that mess up there in that BATHROOM NOW!!!" and he tried again. "But MOM!..." and I gave him my most evil eyed Mother is mad stare and he went back up stairs to do his bathroom chores.
Silent. Remorseful.
I was victorious.
I had won this battle of the belligerent mouthy teen and made him shut up.

Late last night when we got home from being out, I went to go see how my 204 printed photos on 52 pages turned out with delicious anticipation.
Every single one was printed on the backside of the photo paper. backside of the photo paper.
Dull side up photos.
God what did I do???

My son in a quiet shrugging way said "I tried to tell you but you didn't want to hear it remember?"

Poo Balls

2006-08-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

Ok you all might have noticed that I used to have a blurb on the top box about my dog and the shampooing habits of me on that dog.
Yes my dog gets poop balls that hang onto his hair on his rear. He is an inside dog. He is part Maltese, Shitzu and Poodle. No dog of mine is coming in with poo on his rear. If I let him suffer outside he cries so piteously that my neighbors think that I'm squeezing him so therefore I have a dog washing bucket outside and I constantly am washing the dog. I recently heard its because he is part poodle and poodle's are poo ballers.
Dogs like my breed feel bad about the Poo Balls waving on the hiney and will eat them off if you make them stay outside because the poo balls waving shames and disgusts the master. My dog is actually humiliated when I say "YUK!! YOU ARE NOT COMING IN THIS HOUSE WITH THAT SH*** ON YOU" and he slinks away with head and tail down and will try to groom his hiney in accordance with my expectations.
Well the only thing worse to me than seeing Poo Balls on my dog when he wants to come in after relieving himself is watching him EAT them off his butt.
*sigh*
So I get the huge bucket and fill it with one small bucket of water and 3 of cool and then wash. Seeing me wash the dog's ass embarrasses and disgusts my 13 year old.
He gags. He ewwwwws and eeeeeeks. This irritates me and causes blood to pump at maximum speed through my veins. Then I start in on the lectures. You know, the ones all about how I was raised on a farm in North Dakota and we had to scrub sh** every day from barns and had to do chore and walk 5 miles to school and blah blah blah.
He slinks away and then I finish the dog.

One time my son was really deathly ill with the flu and high fever and my dog got diarrhea the same day. I spent 2 days sponging down my son with tepid water and then washing down the dog. I was exhausted and beyond frustrated and at one point forgot who I was washing or sponging. To get the dog to stay outside longer I was giving him the training liver treats in a Kong (Hard plastic thing you put treats in to keep them busy trying to get them out). The dog was just leaking poo, way past poo ball stage. I finally after 2 days figured out that it just might be the liver treats. As soon as I stopped them he stopped leaking crap.

I now ask the groomers to shave a perfect 1 1/2 inch square around his hiney. This alleviates most poo balls. He looks like a white monkey with a nekkid bumm but who cares, I'm not washing him every day and there is less poo balls waving on his back end like bells on a tambourine.

Clothesline

2006-08-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

You will notice some changes on here. I started this blog in a lighthearted manner long ago (over a year) so that probably like you, I could post my 2cents worth on comments sections on other peoples blogs.
Then I started venting on my blog. Talking about things that were deeply wounding to me and then I realized that that isnt what I want. I do not want my blog to be like dirty laundry hung on a clothesline. I want all my laundry to be on the clothesline all washed and sunkissed, air dried and smelling like sunshine and fresh cut grass. I want to come here to my blog and see all the good smelling laundry. All the good stuff.
I feel a little Pollyannish today and I regret if there were commments that poofed that you all found dear to your heart but I had to do it. For my own sake.
So yeah this post will probably be later edited too but I thought I'd let you know.

None today for the tooth fairy!

2006-08-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

Well today is the day I've been dreading for about a month. My heart is just pounding. I feel sweaty but cold and I cant think past 10:30.
10:30 is my dental appt. I'm not good with dentists. With novacaine or even that water/air suctiony thing that gags me. Just thinking about the dentist gives me the dry heaves. And whats with that dentisty smell they pipe into the waiting room to make your eyeballs roll around before its even your turn to sit in the chair with the paper over the head rest in case you get hair grease and bugs all over the faux leather furniture.
Today is my double whammy root cannal. canal? Today they uncap and excavate the old root canal and I get the skin removed that somehow covered a bit of the cap trying to get in and under it. It is all so gross and unbelievabley horrendous. Seems some monsters got under the cap they put on the root canal and now the big ones are eating the little ones and the war is too violent so they need to obliterate the whole thing. BUT they will chip away at the nastiest part and save most of the tooth so I can still have a good back chomper.
Lordy people I just cant stand to think about the amount of shots of novacaine this will take.
But the blessing is that my dentist is an awesome man and he gave me some golden pills. These golden pills taken 1/2 hour before my appointment promises to have me singing and dancing and feeling like the world is indeed a blessed place to have my teeth excavated.
Wish me well

I've been tagged, snagged and now bagged.

2006-08-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

1. A friend who has blessed me: is my friend who listens to my rants and panics and tells me to just simmer down. I deal with much daily drama and she weeds through my dramatics to let me know just what is really worth the panic or not.

2. An unexpected gift: I recieved was my husband who got me a card last month for no reason. Long story of course but short version: We were in a store and it was determined that we had to go to the restroom. Ok so he says he has to go to the bathroom so we all troup into the restrooms, I come out and my H and S are no where to be found. I go all ballistic mad and start ranting and waving my arms in an irritated manner. My son comes up to me WITHOUT HIS FATHER in a huge store and I ask "Where is YOUR FATHER?" see, you can tell Im mad cuz I didnt say, "hey, honey where is your dad at?" nope, I'm all into capitals and formal versions. "Where is YOUR FATHER?" and my son shrugs. SHRUGS!!! omg so now I;m REALLY steamed. My husband DARES to wander away from his son in a huge store. OH! he was gonna hear some choice words from me!!! So I whip my self around and I start frantically searching for my H and then my son WANDERS away and now I've LOST him again!!! I started to hyperventilate kind of in panic/anger and then I hear my son yell "Dad!" and then my husband comes around the corner and I was so angered that I litterally lost all capacity to speak. You just dont leave your underage son wandering around from a public restroom and HE KNOWS THAT and I thought to myself "oh my god, this MLC has him even putting our son in jepordy just cuz he is uncomfortable with people knowing he has a teenage son" so I was so very mad and flounced myself all the way to the car with my eyeballs rolling and my arms at soldier position. REAlly steamed. We get to the car and my husband puts his hand on my arm and I shrug/fling it off and he hands me this card. They are both standing there with shit eating grins on their face. The whole time I was going into panic hyperdrive was a set up between husband and son. The card display was right outside the bathrooms and husband decided to get me a card to kind of say sorry and I love you through all this MLC crap we are going through and cooked up a scheme of they didnt know where each other was to give H time to buy and write JUST IN CASE I HAVENT SAID IT LATELY I LOVE YOU in the card. I started crying. Crying hard. It really really really really suprised me. The sentiment even more than my original anger. We've been going through some really really tough crap and then to have that card handed me was pure joy. My heart actually pained me with how much joy it brought.

3. A kind word shared with me recently: Many. But recently my SIL told me that I wasnt valued as much as I should be and that made my day.

5. Something I'm looking forward to: The end of working too hard and retirement. But most of all I look forward to holding grandbabies.

6. A particular part of me I'm pleased with: My inner strength and forgiveness.

7. Something in my life that I wanted but never expected: An amazing child. Just amazing.

8. A place that moved/moves me: My Grandmothers house. On the day we left last I went to her top drawer and touched her underthings, saying good bye. The smell and touch of her socks, slips, underthings sent shivers up and down my body and I wept the largest wettest tears in her honor.

9. One thing/person that always makes me smile: The music from "Wicked" the theatre production. Person? my brothers daughter.

10. Most recent "love note" from God: ok this one stumps me. Love note from God? I've been feeling smoted by God lately not exactly recieving any love notes. LOVE NOTES????

11. Do I win anything? No, No I didnt win anything. The last thing I won was a cookie jar from a charity auction on line. A friend cut off all her hair for the Locks for Love and she had also a charity auction for her favorite pet charities. I love the cookie jar by the way.

I'm not tagging anyone.

Home

2006-04-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

Well after 17 days my hubby came home safe and sound. Its an adjustment giving up the barriers and the toughness and the power. heh. But its so wonderful to snuugle and cuddle and love once again. I hate being seperate, hate the lone rooms and the way I am desperate for him. I think I realize everytime he goes away that I'm not that independant and the sucky thing is that I dont WANT to be independant. How disgusting is that? I hate it but then I dont hate it when I caress his face and feel his breath on my cheek, when I feel him taking over and life is back in its regular niche. I say to myself that independance isnt all its cracked up to be. Besides I hate taking out the trash. And I like seeing his slow lazy smiles directed at me with his twinkly eyes.
Alls good in this Pixies world.
Its all back to normal and normal is good.

PurePixie

2006-04-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Sweet Dreams Meme

2006-01-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

Monday Meme 7 : 2005-07-04 : Sweet Dreams

1. What do you wear to bed? Do you share a bed with anyone?

t-shirt style nightgown. Yes. My husband and usually a kid.

2. How many hours of sleep do you get per night on average? How much sleep do you need to feel 100% rested?

8.7.

3. Describe your bed... What kind of sheets do you have? Is there a headboard? What does it face?

Bed is queen sized. old. Sheets are floral and matching. cover is a duvet with old bedspread in it. There is a headboard and footboard which I broke by moving it one month after getting the bed. The bed faces the tv unit.

4. Do you watch TV in bed? Do you read in bed? Any other non-sleep activities?

rarely. yes every night I have to read, even a few sentences. Yes of course there are other non sleep activities, that is how I ended up with the kid in bed with my and hubby.

5. What environment do you need to sleep comfortably (sounds, temperature, darkness, etc...)?

pitch black dark, silent. no people or kids or pets in the room.

I was the 685th person to take this week's Monday Meme!

Intentions

2005-10-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

I have good intentions usually.

I always intend to get everything done that I am supposed to.

But like now............... I opened this to post. I cant finish because I have to go and do something else I'm supposed to do which I didnt finish before..........

sorry.

I should say! Perhaps I should admit to being a procrastinator.

HAH!

Caffeine

2005-10-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

I tried to go without. I grew sluggish, morose and grouchy.
I slept at odd moments, couldnt think, couldnt function.
Withdrawals suck.

I caved.
I drink caffeine now.
In the form of a cup of wonderful steamy coffee in the morning.
I love caffeine.I love coffee.
There is a religion that banned coffee.
But they didnt ban caffeine.
I know why.

Theyd be too sleepy.
Theyd sleep through church. They'd be too tired to want more wives.
Theyd sleep all the time.
They'd sleep right through the day and night and forget to go forth and reproduce.
Theyd never have a good mood in their life.

Ever do your grocery shopping in the evening after work after having a
Large Iced mocha blended with an extra shot of expresso and then tons of whipped cream?

Lickety split its all done and you are sll s shakin' and a jivin' to go home and start throwing it in the pantry!!!

You can make dinner in half the time. And your eyes will be twinkling and your mouth smiling and just about the time you come down off that caffeine/sugar high you got going on it will be time to go to bed!!!

AND still be awake enough for baby makin' practicin'!

YUP! I love caffeine!

Fires and Flooding

2005-10-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

All around us Fires in a fury and Waters unleashed.
Swirling and frothing, chaotic and confusing.
There is no place to flee, no place to hide.
Looks like the Bible Belt is the place to abide.

No fairies there, no fun, no frolic.
But steadfast devotion to rules and faith,
Lets all flee there to remain untouched
by the raging oceans and coastal forests
Fantasy is squashed in favor of safety.

Wouldnt that be absolutely amazing if the midwest United States became heavily populated during the next 10 years due to the current forces of nature? If the united states "turned inside out"! The coast became the cheap areas and the vast lands of the Prarie the most desirable acreage available. If we Americans are smart we would use the acerage available in the Bible Belt. That would stimie the outsourcing and make use of some untouched value in the United States ready for the taking.

Who will be the first to "INsource"?

Falling

2005-09-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

Falling leaves, falling temperatures.
Closing doors and closing chapters.

Changing colors and changing seasons.
Shifting sunlight and shifting shadows.

Saying goodbye and Saying farewell.
Ending summer and ending fun.

Shadows and darkness.
Golds and Browns.

Nighttime and downtime.
Fires and heaters.

Fall is ending...
for Winters' opening.

I so hate fall. I hate ending chapters, ending favorite books. I hate saying goodbye to summer. I have the urgancy to go out and hold on to all the last rays of warm sunshine. I resent the changes in the shadows, the shifting solar and lunar views. I despise the smell of crispness. I am not eager to say goodbye to summer and hello to winter.
So many people love Autumn. I despise it. Its like one Golden goodbye season to me.

I want spring back!! A resurgance of hope. A sign of sunshine and fun. A beginning.

A pixie is busy this time of year with all the gathering and foraging and finding burrow nests and whorl holes to hide in. Gathering gathering and gathering. Busy busy busy.

Elves and fairies and pixies in all, all busy gathering and preparing and dancing in the final shifting shadows of fall.

Mischevious deeds I've done:

2005-09-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am dedicated to enjoying the amusing make believe antics of pixies and fairies and the world of make believe.

I would adore having the freedom to act impulsively and impishly. Scattering wits, trifling with items and randomly causing mayhem.

*sigh*

But alas I'm mortal, I'm larger than 6 inches and human so I can only but close my eyes and daydream about such fun.

Anyone else ?