Boots to my soul

Yesterday I got a new pair of boots. The process made me feel like a Princess. It was all in how it went 'down' as they say.

Here is the back story.
I have a husband who is amazing. He works hard, is a good provider, has solid loyalty for his family and takes care of many and has a huge heart and can be extraordinarily generous. I have many faults so I am not nit picking but the one fault that hurts me the most is that he has a hard time picking or buying me gifts. He gets almost angry and bitter about the process. When I first got diagnosed with cancer my son suggested that I should get a gift to make me feel better after surgery.....its a very inside family traditional 'joke' of sorts that when he was a child I'd get his mind off of shots or blood work or surgeries by making him think of a gift he wanted after it was done.....the size of gift corresponded to how big the procedure would be........so he told his Dad that I needed a BIG gift. My husband was irritated and grouchy when they went to go get this gift, (my son told me he was pevish and couldnt think of anything so told my son to think of something)They bought me a Wii.

Now here I am with surgery done on one side immobilizing my left side and then on the right they inserted a pic line with is an IV with a tube threaded in my artery on my right side. NOT ABLE TO USE ARMS. Wii is athletic and the use of arms very much needed. I of course was thrilled with the gift and watched my son play it.

At times during this past year I would well up inside with anger and be really bitter because I received no flowers, no cards and no little encouraging presents to cheer up my days as I thought I should get. I would do that for them and have done that for them when they've been ill or had surgeries. It really made me hateful sometimes. Not for long but if I would get mad this subject comes to mind and then I get madder. Not reasonable I know, but there ya go......its the truth. I like little reminders that a person has thought of me. But my husband is incapable of understanding this and really cant fathom why this matters. His love is huge he says and he has given me a nice house and we eat out and I drive the truck of my dreams and we go on vacations. He views these as gifts. Huge gifts. He feels that I should float on the feeling of the huge gift and not worry about stupid things like cards and flowers. He usually has employees or my son pick gifts or cards. Its not that he is trying to be callous, he just has no imagination or patience for it.

I have been on the quest for black suede flat heeled boots to wear with jeans or leggings since 2005. Every time he asks what I want I tell him: flat black suede boots. I have received blue suede shoes, 5 inch high heeled sparkling brown boots to wear to a night club if I ever could stand up longer than 5 minutes in them and went to night clubs, I received high heeled black slipper shoes with rhinestones but no flat black suede boots. I bought myself some brown winter boots but couldn't find black ones the day I needed to buy these boots. I have shown the brown ones to my husband saying "If you ever want to buy me something, I need these in black." I received beige shoes. I think he goes with it in his mind but somehow he sees sparkle and goes for the sparkle.

Yesterday we went to someones house to visit and I wore high heels thinking that I would only be sitting in the car and sitting there so the prettiness factor could outweigh the comfortability factor in my choice of shoes. Do you do that too? Figure out what you will be doing to figure out what shoes, then figure out the outfit to go with the shoes? Well yesterday I calculated that I wouldn't be walking.

We left their house and on the way home my husband on a whim decides to go to the nearest 3 level shopping mall "to walk around and see what has changed". Well as you can imagine my heart plummeted right down to those nasty heels and no support and I said, "I don't know how much walking I can do, but lets start" and then halfway through I said I couldn't go any more and my husband became truly sorrowful and he felt bad and said, "you know what, lets go to the department store and get you some black flat boots, you've always wanted some. " Now this people was amazing that he actually said that, and that he remembered the boots and then that he'd ACT on it.
Then we went to the nearest large dept store and I got the boots!!! And they are so cute, cuter than anything I've ever seen, they even have laces on the back. And he took my shoes and put them in the box and told the lady to let me wear the boots out!!

Boots to sooth the soul!

And my ouchy feet.

Fathers Holiday

I actually like holidays especially the ones that people in a grumbly mood call "Hallmark Holidays". I love Fathers day, Best Friends Day, Grandparents day, Secretary's day and all the other ones. All 'new' holidays. I love giving better than recieving. I'm not so good at recieving. I never get what I hope for, well thats not true. A couple of times I have been completely brought to my knees by my husbands gift but it happened basically twice in the past 20 years.

I dont get much really for Mothers Day. I have gotten breakfast of toast and eggs in bed before, that was cute, yeah, but really? c'mon, I totally had to go grocery shopping the day before for the stuff and set the alarms in my sons and our room and the pretend to sleep through all that noise and clatter.....bah humbug!
I prefer handmade gifts or gifts I have in my mind that you ask me what I want and then you get them. In my family this doesnt work but I keep hoping that the hint bombs I drop might result in a real actual gift in my hand instead of my mind. Or perhaps the pictures CUT OUT AND MAGNETED TO THE REFRIDGERATOR DOOR might prompt the actual item. I've even left torn out pictures or printed out pictures from the computer in the bathroom to give hints, none have worked. Can you tell me how to get these hints accross? Are you a better reciever than I am? I guess I am not grateful for the gifts I get enough. Perhaps thats it.

One year for Mothers Day I got forgotten and then when I couldnt hold it in any longer and I was in complete tears and slamming stuff and bitchy as heck, my husband declared that he and our son had to run to the nearby gas station for cigs. 'Yeah right my ass' I thought. I was so hate filled and hurt. "who wants your stupid gift now" I kept thinking the whole 2 hours it took to go on their secret "cigarette getting" mission.
They came home all smiles and said "We brought you a suprise Mommy!!!" then my heart melted and I was forgiving and smiley again.
It was items in a Wallmart bag. Back when they were blue with yellow smileys on them. Not wrapped. Oh and groceries? There were two grocery store bags too?!
They made me sit down and hold out my arms and they put a box in my hand, It was freezing cold!!! I opened my eyes to ...................
ICE CREAM! I got a box of ice cream! ..............oh wait, there were more things. Chocolate syrup. Strawberry powder with a bunny on the box. Milk. and from Walmart???? My lovely gift?
A blender.
I looked up in disbelief. My husband says all sugary; "Oh I couldnt think what to get and I was walking around Walmart and our son said 'Lets get a milkshake and walk around, I'm thirsty' and then DUH! I thought to myself LETS GET MOMMY STUFF TO MAKE MILKSHAKES FOR EVERYBODY!"

Ok so you so know how that gift giving episode ended dont you?
heh.
Not a good day.

I am the sort that months before our anniversary or a hallmark holiday I start planning and thinking and I've made so many amazing and suprise gifts and my husband is totally blown away and brought to tears...........I have done it for years and now I'm afraid I'm resentful. When is it gonna be my turn to get a nice thoughtful gift? It obviously isnt in him to think ahead so maybe my heart should just give up the resentment. *sigh*

Regardless.... This year I thought of a great Father's Day present. My son bought him a gift he will love and then I went and bought a huge frame that had a mat inside of 18 various sized framed holes for pictures. We found in our albums and boxes of pictures and copied and put back 18 pictures and cut them for the frame. Pictures only of Dad and son from birth to now. It came out AMAZINGLY cool and my son was so into making it for his Dad.

I wonder what he will say...............Maybe in his heart he will wish for a milkshake and be done with all the emotional gifts?
heh.