Pudge. Bloop. Pooch.

Ah yes, its the middle of January. Its that time again when all the guilt of the past two and a half months of jolly eating starts chiming in my head. I always say I'm not going to care, just enjoy each morsel. Then January 15th rolls around and I have that bloated pooch and the bloop hanging over the waist band and pudge everywhere else and then I feel bad. But this year I noticed that I was feeling a little bit of something else too. Defiance of that guilty feeling.

I also realized that I bought Pop Tarts. Now when you are a 46 year old secreting away a box of pop tarts then you KNOW you have to stop and rethink things. heh.
I realized when I was rethunking... I've been rewarding myself. I 've been eating even more sweets and breads and goodies with a feeling that "oh well, I deserve this since I've had such a rough time".

Thats never good.

I wish I loved the taste of carrots. Rewarding ones self with carrot sticks would be so much nicer to talk about and I wouldnt feel so guilty and POOCHED. I wonder if I dipped carrots in chocolate if that would help?

Bloop there it is

See My original Bloop post below if you didnt already read it the other day:

My son is a 9th grader, I sit in front of school to drop off and pick up every day. I see so many teens that my head swims, I have to drive 1mph for about 1/2 mile to get passed them each way. They dont look both ways when crossing the street and slap at my truck if I'm an inch too close to where they want to cross, they are like swarming cockroaches around the school and about as obtuse and rude as a group. But that isnt my beef.

Who in the hell is buying these people clothes?

No.
Beter yet;
Who in the hell is DESIGNING these clothes? Skin tight material. Stretchy jeans that look like tights. Tank tops. Ok and I'm talking about the BOYS here!

No joke
ANd dont those kids sagging those tight jeans look like toddlers with a load of crap is sittin in their pants walking around ????
Who thought of THAT cool look?

And whats with all the girls wearing skin tight shirts that roll up over the bloop so that it hangs out over the jeans all bare naked?

And whats with the over sized purses or bags? Little girls wearing giant Santa sacks? I just dont get it.

A customer told me that her daughter FIGHTS to buy a new coach bag so that she has a new one every month.
People!!! If I asked for anything new when I was growing up I got backhanded, how about you?
I know style changes, I know fads and trends will change with the wind but this years fads have me shaking my head in shame.

What do you think? Do you see these teens?When you see their fat hanging out, their expensive bags and their dark rimmed sad soul eyes peeking out, do you not want to hug them and tell them to GO PUT A SHIRT ON!? What are we doing to their psyche by accentuating the bad body areas and makeing them think that how they look is good like that?

*sigh* You tell me.....

Almond crap

Being Hypothyroid sucks.

There, I got THAT out of the way. I've wanted to post that for a long time. heh. *snarfle*

I have two seperate books going that I'm reading about hypothyroid. All the things that I thought were 'in my head' are not. They are legitimate weird things going on in my body. Like craving cookies. Like desiring naps ......... ALL DAY LONG. Like going postal all over my son and then crying about it for the next two days. Feeling anxious... about everything, my problems,even your problems, even things that arent a problem. yet. sleeping and sleeping and still needing sleep.

But book number two promises "tricks and tips" to help me out of this hell hole. Like eating a high fiber, high protein diet. Staying away from satan. oops I mean; high fructous sugar. Eating raw almonds. They are the nut from the gods.

I have substituted raw almonds for cookies, almonds are expensive as hell. Almost as much as gasoline. If I could shit into my gas tank all this high octaine crap that I'm experiencing wouldnt I be the envy of all?

Its a sad day for me that all I have to brag about is my fancy assed crap.

Exersize

Ok, I just got back from reading my favorite blogs and I feel like such a drudgy sloggy baggy fat bottom girl.
You know the type of girl I am.

I hate exersize. I hate playing sports, I suck at them. I'm the girl that always got picked last for any sport with my short stubby legs, my pudgy teen self slow to move.

I was good at floor hockey though. I could swing these Irish/Dutch arms sumthin feirce and those other girls were afraid of me. But dodge ball? what a joke. Couldnt throw and had no power behind it. I hated dodge ball, I'd get bruised and was always sitting.

I hated that my mom wouldnt let me shave my legs and I spent most of the PE hours worrying if you could see the hair on my legs. And our school was old school so the girls played while the boys watched and the boys played while the girls watched. How sick is THAT.?

I grew up in the midwest where children were born to love basketball and know what H.O.R.S.E. was before they knew what a 'binky' was. I wasnt born there, I didnt know. Didnt get it.
My parents werent into sports so all this was "ok" with them, I was praised for sitting on the sidelines and reading my books.
There fore;
I still dont move with agility.
Thinking about a marathon or going to the gym or riding a bike for sport makes my head real with horror and amazement that people would want to do that, that someone would go out of their way to show themselves doing a sport in public.

I cant wait to get to my 20 minute mark on the treadmill so this fat ass can go sit in front of the computer reading and doing my bookwork.
But I know this is somehow not right thinking so I bought myself something I've wanted a long time;
I bought a rebounder.
It glares at me from the corner. I can hear it calling me....................... "come to me fat bottom girl................... come jump and be free and happy of those tootsie roll thighs.......... "
But I turn my back on it.
I hunch over my book and munch on my cookies and refuse to even listen to that whispering evilness eminating from it.

Hair

I have a confession to make. I am vain. I didnt think so but I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed vain.
If you remember 2 years ago we were hit in this household by the "GREAT MIDLIFE CRISIS".
Not understanding how you got to point B even though you slogged through point A busting your ass and doing everything required of you and being so miserable. Thats pretty much what begins the Midlife Crisis. Being dissatisfied at the Empire you've created.
Having a teenager and getting older sucks. Recognizing your limits and dissatisfaction sucks.
Well..during this whole transition that this wrench threw into our peaceful household, I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was gaining weight, falling asleep at my desk, in the car, taking naps continually and having real depressing thoughts. I was first diagnosed with PMS. yeah *snort* that was an easy diagnosis. But when I started having real panic attacks and ending up inthe Urgent Care or Emergency room thinking I was dying I demanded to be helped. I sat across from one doctor in the Urgant Care one night and told him I wasnt leaving until I got help. He was extremely intuitive and while not mushy or condescending he basically told me to feel my own pulse, it was normal, I wasnt dying of a heart attack. He said panick attacks however ARE the signal that something IS wrong and he ordered a battery of blood work. Like 7 viles.
It was discovered that I was severely hypothyroid and that I was also very anemic. Hense the weight gain and sluggish feeling. Panick attacks and depression are all part of it too. I'm also that delightful age that doctors start using the word "perimenopausal" and "age appropriate vitamins". *shudder* I looked around and realized that my husband was going through his own identity crisis and I was on my own on this monster called "Your metabolism now sucks" and I also noticed that there were lots and lots of cute girlies at our work and now I was the chubby old bag next to them.
I took to the treadmill with a vengeance. Between the thyroid meds, me not eating very much and the walking/exercises, I got down to 120 lbs. I felt better, more confident and was on the mend.............
Fast forward to October of this past year.
My Grandma died, I fell and got severely hurt and work became stressful; I started packing on the pounds, I've told you all this before.
But;
This time I freaked. I went out and got all new makeup. I started wearing vibrant eye shadows. Cuz;you know................I hoped you wouldnt notice my ass growing if my eyes were so amazingly beautiful.
I got hair extensions. yup. *sigh* I did. I hoped that my long tresses would take focus off my widening thighs and hips and I'd be in proportion more.
I got new size large and X-large clothes, hoping that if you didnt see my rolls and my clothes were looser that it would make it all go away. I'm 5 foot even and even the slightest weight gain shows on my chin/neck and butt. I tried all ways of disguising this......
I still hate myself.
But the hair extensions are so fantastically beautiful. But its an extravagance. I dont like spending money on myself. I did it out of desperation so that my husband still thinks of me as a younger more beautiful person. So that I see myself as a more younger beautiful person. I hurt my feelings when I look in the mirror.
Maybe with all this outer camouflage
no one will notice that I'm 151 lbs and have all types of muffin tops and tootsie rolls and backfat and all those other words to discribe excess baggage visibly noticable to the naked eye But the truth is: I still know Im fatter than I've ever been and I'm getting fatter and I hate exercising and I love cookies.
I LOVE COOKIES
*sigh*
Now Here is the dilemma;
I dont want to spend the money on my hair anymore. I'm sick of it. Sick of the waste. Sick of the lie. I'm a more honest person than this.
But I so am so vain that the idea of taking them out and me going back to my old short hair and pin head with giant hips has tears in my eyes.
When did I get this vain???? Where did this come from? Is this my own version of a midlife crisis?
I look at my long hair via the extensions and my ass just doesnt seem as big, not as noticeable.
Is this truth? What do you think? Be more genuine or go for the camouflage?


Let me ponder this while I'm sitting here
munching on my cookies................

Bum wrap

I've been struggling with weight for 3 years now.......I havent "struggled" before. I have been alternately; thin, chubby, average, huge while pregnant and then chubby, average and thin. I yo-yo up and down all the time, always have. I am 5 feet tall and I've been 99 pounds and I've been 184 pounds. But I've never ever felt like I do now.

Now I struggle with self inflicted mortification at my overweightedness. I was 151 pounds in December. Last February I was 120.

The day that my Grandmother died March 7th I started gaining weight in leaps and bounds. I am hypothyroid and stress effects me differently. So do my Mothers cinnamon rolls.

Whatever I eat or stress about sticks on me like glue and my metabolism shuts right off and my body starts 'hoarding' and wont burn off food normally. Of course stress also makes us want to eat more comfort foods. In my case this is cookies and bread. When I went home for my Grandmothers funeral, all the family and emotional stress hit me like a ton of bricks. Work stress was at an all time high at that time and just a few days before she passed away I had fallen while ice skating and ended up in the hospital and suffered from a contusion/concussion and was on heavy painkillers. Painkillers can mess up your metabolism too. I'd rather blame painkillers and stress than the copious amounts of comfort food my Mom was dishing out to all of us while we were there at her house for the kick start of that weight gain.

I am currently at 146. I exersize and walk a mile a day on the treadmill. I keep telling myself its all about being "fit" but I cry in dressing rooms when I get the urge to buy a new outfit. Literally tear up and have to leave the store.

I dont lose this damn weight.......it just stays there giving me the finger every morning.

I need new work clothes. I want a new skirt that fits me right. (get it; bum wrap.)
But I hate the whole awkwardness of trying on things, getting upset that my ass is larger than I think, the shirts and blouses gape at the button closures, I hate the fact that my upper arms dont fit in some short sleeved things. I agonize over color choices and what I have that can go with what is available and then in the end; I have a handful of clothes I've aganoized over the choices of that all are useless and dont fit and look horrendous on me.

Its self inflicted I know. Its stupid to be this concerned. But I am. It bothers me every second of every day. I struggle with the wrongness of this.

Saturday as we were watching my son perform all I could think about was how huge my ass was........how clomping up and down the bleacher steps was so embarrassing because I felt everyone staring at me. Why do I even think people are that concerned.

Do I stare at people and judge their weight?
Well yes, I must admit I am judgemental. I do compare. I do it mostly to myself though to be completely up front. I look at others but I am judging myself in comparison. But I surely do look. I am so nosey about other people. I check out what they are wearing, what purse they have, how they do their hair, and their weight.

Because of all that judgemental staring; I do know that in all fairness, I am of average weight in comparison to other women of my age. Size 10 on good days and size 12 others.

*sigh*

I prefer to be of the few Moms though that are fantastically thin and toned.....dress in fabulous high heeled boots, amazingly tight jeans with no muffin top in sight, shirts that are cute and in style and walk with confidence and dont appear to be worried that people might notice that they wore their longest shirt to cover their bad assets.

I see these Moms and silently send them kudos. I sure hope they realize how lucky and fabulous they are. Or appear to be.