Saturday, July 31, 2010

Chemo head

There is a little known phenomenon that comes with getting chemo therapy and that is the chemo head or chemo fog or chemo brain that you get. When you are mid sentence and your mouth opens for the next word and you just leave it open because you litterally have no idea what in the hell the next word is going to be because you've forgotten what you were going to say AND you've even forgotten what you were talking about in the first place it can be excruciatingly embarrassing.
Or hilarious.
I walk around alot in a fog. Dont know why I was going in that drawer, that room, that conversation blah blah blah. It gets irritating. And funny when you have a teenager and you are yelling and nagging and then there is a long pause with mothers mouth open and a curious expression in her eyes.
My son gets a twinkle in his eye and says "Yes?" and then I say; " What was I talking about?" and he says "I dont know?" and laughs.

Makes us all crack up.

Well we were in the midst of these California fires when son and husband are on the plane heading for a family visit in another state when the fires came OUR way and I had to pack to be ready for evacuation.

Chemo brain and packing for immenant fleeing is a sight to behold. Or not since I paused a lot.
Its a good thing the neighbor kids came to the rescue or I'd still be holding an armful of pictures I just took off the wall wondering what in the hell I was doing with them.

We are safe. Fires are out only due to the fact that my house sits on a hill. The hill is just below the hill that houses some of the larges Power towers in the state. These Power towers carry power to all of Southern California which is connected to the rest of California which makes that hill right there VERY important to the state. Ol Arnie came to town and declared he's send help. He did. To that hill. 2 giant airtankers and a giant water dropping chopper. Then the fire was out. Right as I could see it cresting the hill I live on.

I'd keep writing an update but I have forgotten what I'm doing sitting here typing for.

Monday, July 26, 2010


My current love is fishing. When I was a child we fished every weekend. I started out last summer on a quest. Must. Teach son to fish. Must teach son how to love outdoors. It was a burning desire to fish last year.

He does anyway but I felt the need to teach him to fish before he leaves the home. His Dad is not an avid outdoorsman. So I bought 2 books, poles, nets, hooks, tackle box and we set out to fish.

2 years and havent caught anything. Of course by the time we get going and get everything loaded its always a PRIME FISH HIDING HOURS.

It doesnt make us give up though. Oh no.

I think also that we are fishing at the same dang 2 places famous for hard to catch fish. We;ve been told. But they are close to home.

Yesterday we were going to go fishing. I tried unsuccessfully to wake these two people up for two hours. Then they roll out of bed after I have most things ready and one gets on the phone and one gets on the computer.

Then I go out and get the worms and almost die of heat stroke cuz I forgot a hat and my bald head is like a giant heat absorber.

Then I come in and lie on couch and grab chest and have palpatations and realize that perhaps 5 cups of coffee while I'm waiting was not such a good idea.

We get in the car at noon.

We get to grocery store to pick up charcoal and my husband has a nervous breakdown at the price and declares that SOMEWHERE in the garage is an old bag so we MUST go home and look for it.

We got to the lake at 3:30.

Lake is full so we must wait in the que lane for folks to leave. We are five cars back.

This whole time my head is absorbing heat.....ONly its under a scarf and ball cap.

We arrive at our picnic table at 4. I'm almost passed out.

We barbeque, we eat, we laugh and have fun and then I explain that I'm gonna pass out from the heat and cant fish but they are welcome to.

6pm we leave Lake. BYE LAKE!

Well that was a nice long day for a piece of barbequed chicken and a slice of watermellon wasnt it?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

TWO Year Update Follows

Last night my husband shaved my head. Bald.
I'm now a velcro-head. Not shiney like the sexy-heads. Nope....I'm some halfwit velcro-head.

I have breast cancer. There I said it. I had surgery, now chemo and soon radiation AND chemo. For a year.

I had 12 straggly hairs left and I couldnt take it any more. Couldnt take the mangy sickly cat look. It fell out gradually. In clumps. sick. So last night I went to bed, husband still watching the news on the couch. Laid down and then got back up and came down and begged him to cut it.

It was probably the kindest thing he's ever done for me. He kindly and carefully and tenderly cut the hair closer and closer and closer. I have all stages of the pictures. I first looked unevenly mangier, then I looked like the movie depicted 'dykes' on tv. All butch with some mohawk looking style and then I looked like a baby with new hair and then finally a squinched up old man. With my glasses I look like a chimpmunk cheeked old man. I looked actually pretty with the mohawk and my son made the comment that if I were lesbian I wouldve scored me some chics with that look. Then he told his Dad he should be jealous. That started us laughing and the whole experience turned into a fun, freeing, and liberating event instead of the freakish event it really was. I mean c'mon my husband was shaving my head bald at midnight. How much more weird could it get?

I thought my forehead would be stately and tall. Nope. Its a short forehead and I look like the white version of Gary Coleman. That really disappointed me. I imagined my head so different. And its not smooth, it has ridges. I looked up Phrenology sites yesterday so I could learn about myself through the ridges and bumps but it has been debunked for years. bah!

Two years ago I had a 15 year old, now he's 17. Typical teen. Bricks in his butt, cant make decisions, wants much freedom like he's a 22 year old, rolling his eyeballs while he talks to us is like breathing. He's a good boy. He is just going through all those typical stages a 17 year old does. Wants to be with his friends all the time and when he's home he cant move. I remember well that stage. I would NOT go through it again for anything. Its the age of the major cross roads and decisions. He will be a senior. He will have a great year in school and make this passage unto adulthood very well, I am sure. I try hard not to make the C-Word the all encompassing issue around here but it has kind of taken over our life so I try to talk about it with him but let him have lots of time to have fun so he doesnt remember this year as the ruined year of his life.


I dont know exactly why its been two years since I've updated. Perhaps the frenetic pace of life is one, It got out of control. I was so stressed and so busy and so GOING GOING GOING that I didnt even have the time sometimes to go to the bathroom. Cancer has a way of stopping life. Cant work, cant do much sometimes but sit on the couch or sit in the bathroom sick. I have 7 good days a month. The rest is spent in quazi nausea, flu-like symptoms or just lay down wanna die bone and muscle achiness. On the good 7 days I RUN LIKE THE WIND catching up to all that I've let slack but oh it feels good when I feel good!!

I painted another mural. Last month on my good week. It came out gloriously well. Its of a hawaiian dreamy window. I just have to get some trim and trim it in like a real window. It felt delish to get paint under the nails again!! Smiles every day while I created.

Well there ya have it.
I'd write more but the chemo has thrown me into early menopause and I find my velcro head is dripping in hot-flash manna....gotta go mop it off!