Monday, April 28, 2008

Almond crap

Being Hypothyroid sucks.

There, I got THAT out of the way. I've wanted to post that for a long time. heh. *snarfle*

I have two seperate books going that I'm reading about hypothyroid. All the things that I thought were 'in my head' are not. They are legitimate weird things going on in my body. Like craving cookies. Like desiring naps ......... ALL DAY LONG. Like going postal all over my son and then crying about it for the next two days. Feeling anxious... about everything, my problems,even your problems, even things that arent a problem. yet. sleeping and sleeping and still needing sleep.

But book number two promises "tricks and tips" to help me out of this hell hole. Like eating a high fiber, high protein diet. Staying away from satan. oops I mean; high fructous sugar. Eating raw almonds. They are the nut from the gods.

I have substituted raw almonds for cookies, almonds are expensive as hell. Almost as much as gasoline. If I could shit into my gas tank all this high octaine crap that I'm experiencing wouldnt I be the envy of all?

Its a sad day for me that all I have to brag about is my fancy assed crap.

Friday, April 18, 2008


Ok, I just got back from reading my favorite blogs and I feel like such a drudgy sloggy baggy fat bottom girl.
You know the type of girl I am.

I hate exersize. I hate playing sports, I suck at them. I'm the girl that always got picked last for any sport with my short stubby legs, my pudgy teen self slow to move.

I was good at floor hockey though. I could swing these Irish/Dutch arms sumthin feirce and those other girls were afraid of me. But dodge ball? what a joke. Couldnt throw and had no power behind it. I hated dodge ball, I'd get bruised and was always sitting.

I hated that my mom wouldnt let me shave my legs and I spent most of the PE hours worrying if you could see the hair on my legs. And our school was old school so the girls played while the boys watched and the boys played while the girls watched. How sick is THAT.?

I grew up in the midwest where children were born to love basketball and know what H.O.R.S.E. was before they knew what a 'binky' was. I wasnt born there, I didnt know. Didnt get it.
My parents werent into sports so all this was "ok" with them, I was praised for sitting on the sidelines and reading my books.
There fore;
I still dont move with agility.
Thinking about a marathon or going to the gym or riding a bike for sport makes my head real with horror and amazement that people would want to do that, that someone would go out of their way to show themselves doing a sport in public.

I cant wait to get to my 20 minute mark on the treadmill so this fat ass can go sit in front of the computer reading and doing my bookwork.
But I know this is somehow not right thinking so I bought myself something I've wanted a long time;
I bought a rebounder.
It glares at me from the corner. I can hear it calling me....................... "come to me fat bottom girl................... come jump and be free and happy of those tootsie roll thighs.......... "
But I turn my back on it.
I hunch over my book and munch on my cookies and refuse to even listen to that whispering evilness eminating from it.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The B movie would Enchant me..

You would almost be worth going through the whole goddamn hassle of having another kid at my age just for the chance to watch kid movies again.
I loved settling down to a good kid movie....I feel like I'm missing "Enchanted" "the Bee Movie""Horton Hears a Hoo" and countless others that have slipped by while I'm stuck in teen whirlwind mode..........
And just for your information in case you even care; I miss "Little Bear" ,"Sesame Street" ,""Franklin", "Puzzle Place", :Sponge Bob", "Cat Dog","Rocket Power", and the whole Disney Movie Channel. *sigh* The anticipation of a new "Zeenon" movie or a new "Holloween town" movie. The whole Nickalodeon commercial break addins and game shows.
I miss it all.
I miss the baby routine of lunch with Mr. Rogers and then naptime. I miss the excitement of another Harry Potter movie and gathering all the friends for a movie date and then going out after..........
Now I drop off and pick up at the theatre.
I'm not invited.
They go to thrillers and scarey movies and then talk all during them and then when I ask how the movie was they shrug and say 'It was alright".
I miss the snuggling on the couch with an appreciative 6 year old with bowls of pop corn and anticipation all over thier face. I miss the excitement and the wonder and the fun of a good family movie........
**double sigh***

And going to the new Rambo movie with my husband is fun and all; I mean; after all we ARE together and we ARE holding hands and there IS popcorn after all.
Popcorn, a big pickle, AND hand holding..................... But just between you and me?

I'd rather be with a 7 year old whose whole world is Star Wars and the new movie is about to begin and he's just humming with anticipation, his eyeballs are wide and shining and he's smiling bigger than the cheesiest grin you ever saw.........


I was overjoyed with the subject of one of my taped episodes of Oprah! I just watched. It was a fashion show. The "Sex in the City" acctress, (the one that you can see through; I forget her name) was on hawking her new line of clothes.
Cute trendy city clothes. Yuppywear.You know what I'm talking about; big trendy bags, peddle pushers in either white or khakhi and espidrilles. Only now they call them capries and wedges. They talked about shopping for new clothes for summer and the essentials we need. I almosted deleted but since I've been needing new clothes I stayed tuned:

New clothes and shopping brings me to the next subject, and that is bloop, or bloopage. My son and I came up with the word bloop.
The current style is hip hugging, low rise, low slung shorts and pants and skirts. I valiantly struggled to like them but they all lend themselves to bloop.

Bloop is the area between where pants are supposed to sit which is on the waist line and the area where the current style has them sitting, which is low on the hip area.
That overhang poochy part is bloop.
Bloop is not attractive.
I've heard this area called muffin top, but its still bloop hangin in a muffin top like arrangement over the hipline of the pants.

Everyone wearing this style has bloop showing and we are all into denial and act like we dont see this bloop. Bloop is NOT pleasing to the eye people, I dont care if you try to lead our eyes away from the bloop in the front and on the sides with those thong bikinis and tatoos on the backside by your cleavage but its STILL THERE!!

Bloopage. I so see you all pulling and tugging your shirts down, thats NOT helping either.
Bloop just sits there on top of the hip band of the pants and we all just go about pretending that that 4 inch strip of pant with pockets on it below the belt loops is really your butt.

The real backside starts a good 6 inches above that area. Those are cheeks showing, not your back.

Do you all just ignore this bloopage when buttoning your pants in the morning or are you on tippy toes and sucking in your stomache and do not notice it?

What designer sits there and says "Lets make wide sparkly belts and sparkly hugging shirts for the low slung pants"? I mean whats with all these thin tight shirts that bound back up above the bloop so that it is exposed?

When you sit down and you have to cover your back with your purse because there is cleavage and bloop all over the place do you not think to yourself that you need to call the store and demand more material to be used for pants, or shorts or skirts? Clothing that have waist lines where god intended waist lines to be on the clothes so that you do not have to feel this bloopage going on?

As you know; I have gained weight and I had to actually go shopping for new clothes. In shopping for slacks I have become so frustrated in this hip hugger style that abounds among us. I have no interest in baring my midrif. I have plenty of bloop and I do not intend to show it off, and YES I tried hip hugger shorts in khaki color and camel color and in buff color and there was still bloop. I did indeed complain LOUDLY and with much huff and puff.

I even grabbed the bloop and told the sales lady, "WHERE IN THE HECK IS THIS PART SUPPOSED TO GO???"
I dont quite think she was expecting that.

I only see this style working on people under the age of 15 and those that live in the gym with a handler all day excersizing the hell out of their midriff.
If you have no bloop please go pick out some khaki low slung hip hugging pants and some of those thong thingies and enjoy but as for me, I'm just going with the regular white high rise undergarments and the shorts I found in blue that were the highest waisted I could find.
If you see billowing white instead of bloop please DO NOT TAP ME ON THE SHOULDER, I know that my underclothes are showing and I prefer this. I really really do.
My jiggly parts are meant to be covered and if I have to cover them with billowing white cotton briefs and my pants show this, trust me; I DONT CARE!

But if you are insisting on informing me that my unders are showing:
I of course will turn around and sweetly explain that my tattoo is healing and just as soon as my thong comes back from the dry cleaner I'll be lettin you all see my bloopage but for now its a white surrender flag going on under my shirt.

Our jiggly parts are meant to be squished into pants not sitting on top of them.

The Oprah show I was watching actually emphasised how attractive high waisted pants are on a woman and if Sarah, skinny assed whatshername can hawk a whole line of clothes covering bloopage, please please please lets support her and her new line of clothing!!!!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Love Song

My son wrote a song. WROTE, A, SONG.
He wrote a song for the piano and another piece for the drum to play with it. I sat at the top of the stairs looking down at him playing it last night and figuring the ending and he played over and over. I leaned my head against the banister and just let the tears roll.
After he got up I kissed his cheeks and his forehead.
"That," I told him, "That was a love song straight to my heart."
I remember when you begged for piano lessons. I remember playing chopsticks with you to have fun with you to jolly you through the year you didnt want to play any more. I remember you desperately wanting to play drums. I remember holding you and seeing you grinning as an infant when music played. I KNEW you loved music since you were born. Seeing you create, seeing you create music with your brain and hands spoke to me."
Moments like this send me on a high for weeks.
Love pure. Pride like I've never had.
You cant get it better than that!

Monday, April 07, 2008


I have a confession to make. I am vain. I didnt think so but I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed vain.
If you remember 2 years ago we were hit in this household by the "GREAT MIDLIFE CRISIS".
Not understanding how you got to point B even though you slogged through point A busting your ass and doing everything required of you and being so miserable. Thats pretty much what begins the Midlife Crisis. Being dissatisfied at the Empire you've created.
Having a teenager and getting older sucks. Recognizing your limits and dissatisfaction sucks.
Well..during this whole transition that this wrench threw into our peaceful household, I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was gaining weight, falling asleep at my desk, in the car, taking naps continually and having real depressing thoughts. I was first diagnosed with PMS. yeah *snort* that was an easy diagnosis. But when I started having real panic attacks and ending up inthe Urgent Care or Emergency room thinking I was dying I demanded to be helped. I sat across from one doctor in the Urgant Care one night and told him I wasnt leaving until I got help. He was extremely intuitive and while not mushy or condescending he basically told me to feel my own pulse, it was normal, I wasnt dying of a heart attack. He said panick attacks however ARE the signal that something IS wrong and he ordered a battery of blood work. Like 7 viles.
It was discovered that I was severely hypothyroid and that I was also very anemic. Hense the weight gain and sluggish feeling. Panick attacks and depression are all part of it too. I'm also that delightful age that doctors start using the word "perimenopausal" and "age appropriate vitamins". *shudder* I looked around and realized that my husband was going through his own identity crisis and I was on my own on this monster called "Your metabolism now sucks" and I also noticed that there were lots and lots of cute girlies at our work and now I was the chubby old bag next to them.
I took to the treadmill with a vengeance. Between the thyroid meds, me not eating very much and the walking/exercises, I got down to 120 lbs. I felt better, more confident and was on the mend.............
Fast forward to October of this past year.
My Grandma died, I fell and got severely hurt and work became stressful; I started packing on the pounds, I've told you all this before.
This time I freaked. I went out and got all new makeup. I started wearing vibrant eye shadows. Cuz;you know................I hoped you wouldnt notice my ass growing if my eyes were so amazingly beautiful.
I got hair extensions. yup. *sigh* I did. I hoped that my long tresses would take focus off my widening thighs and hips and I'd be in proportion more.
I got new size large and X-large clothes, hoping that if you didnt see my rolls and my clothes were looser that it would make it all go away. I'm 5 foot even and even the slightest weight gain shows on my chin/neck and butt. I tried all ways of disguising this......
I still hate myself.
But the hair extensions are so fantastically beautiful. But its an extravagance. I dont like spending money on myself. I did it out of desperation so that my husband still thinks of me as a younger more beautiful person. So that I see myself as a more younger beautiful person. I hurt my feelings when I look in the mirror.
Maybe with all this outer camouflage
no one will notice that I'm 151 lbs and have all types of muffin tops and tootsie rolls and backfat and all those other words to discribe excess baggage visibly noticable to the naked eye But the truth is: I still know Im fatter than I've ever been and I'm getting fatter and I hate exercising and I love cookies.
Now Here is the dilemma;
I dont want to spend the money on my hair anymore. I'm sick of it. Sick of the waste. Sick of the lie. I'm a more honest person than this.
But I so am so vain that the idea of taking them out and me going back to my old short hair and pin head with giant hips has tears in my eyes.
When did I get this vain???? Where did this come from? Is this my own version of a midlife crisis?
I look at my long hair via the extensions and my ass just doesnt seem as big, not as noticeable.
Is this truth? What do you think? Be more genuine or go for the camouflage?

Let me ponder this while I'm sitting here
munching on my cookies................

Saturday, April 05, 2008


I just posted this on another blog in response to the question about books that made a difference in our life:

"I LOVE books! All books. Well except for scarey books. I read 5 True Crime books in my 20's in a row and didnt sleep for weeks. I'm going to be 44 and I still remember the terror of those weeks. I could NEVER read past page 2 of a Stephen King book. *shudder* my imagination is too vast. I love non-fiction and read copious amounts of it. I'm trying to sludge my way through this Eckhart Tolle book from Oprahs list and I just DONT GET IT!. Ok I get it but its a long book to just say "Do onto others as you'd have them do unto you".
The books that changed my life was the Anne of Green Gables Series! ...... I read the book "Annie get your gun" one whole night in bed by the light of the street light thru my window in middle school. And the "the Diary of Ann Frank" and Warsaw" in the same manner. My heart opened and I've never been the same since. I'm sure other books along the way changed me too but these stick out in my mind. I'm going to copy and paste this post and post it on my blog until you say I cant since this is a WONDERFUL question and I've pondered it for a very long time since I first read it. I had to think hard...."

What a WONDERFUL question. It took days for me to think of these books And there are more but that post was turning into a book sized answer itself. How about you? What books changed or affected your life?
I read so much non-fiction and self help that I'm sure I've taken twists and turns along the way according the current "advice" I'm recieving via the written word. Like right now I'm also reading the book by Dr. Phil about Families. I'm too lazy to go upstairs and get it to accurately type the title but basically yeah I'm doing things all wrong with my teen. *sigh*
But back to books that changed my life.
I have loved books since the day I met my first one. I read all the books in the "junior" section in the library and had to get special permission from our librarians to start on the adult side. They made me wait A WHOLE YEAR. When I was 14 they allowed me to go on over (but my Grandma got me books out all the time from the adult side, they just didnt know they were for me) and I started at the A's and went on.
I love facts, I love a good "prarie" novel, I love mysteries without gore and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sherlock Holmes and any book by Zane Grey. Shoot em up ol westerns!!! heh. I read "Deception Point" by Dan Brown and almost called in sick from work to finish it as it WAS THAT good!
My son hates to read. It is the one single personality trait that broke my heart into a gazillion pieces when I realized it. I read to him as a child, I read to him every night before bed too!!! He to this day likes being read to but hates reading and hates books. It makes my heart shrivel in pain as I type this. My best friends growing up were books and so I dont understand not loving a book. I will spend all my spending money at a book store and I am addicted to the glossy pages of magazines and have them lying everywhere around me. I am currently addicted to Psychology magazines. Magazines I regularly scope out: "Oprah" (I get this occasionally,nice short articles full of usefull info) "Psychology today", "Scientific American Mind"( my new FAVE), and the "Discovery" magazine is awesome too!! I always get "The Readers Digest" its like comfort food for me. And I get the "National Geographic" occasionally.
I go without food, clothes and the newest shoes and purses because I spend all my money on words..........