Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Do it again Mama! Do it again!

There is nothing more joyous about having children than when you set their eyes alight with wonder. Like when they are infants and you play peek a boo and they giggle and laugh to see you disappear and then appear. Just that simple act of play.
Then when they are one and you show them how to blow into a straw instead of sucking and you make bubbles overflow and chocolate milk bubbles go all over the table.
When children shout "Do it again Mama! Do it again! all kinds of pride and love and zeal for the simple joys of life bubble up inside our hearts and then we want to show them more and more and more.

When a child becomes a middle schooler they become jaded and the world only revolves around themselves and their raging prepubescent hormones and middle school is a war zone of obnoxious cliques and social stereotypical tiers of a tweenie kingdom. Nothing lights up their eyes unless they get something they covet to make themselves feel "cool" even if only in their head.

Then they become teens and they no longer want to do ANYthing associate with kiddie fun.

Unless you bust them doing something they really miss doing like taking the couch pillows and race down the stairs like they are tobaggans.
Or when you see their gleeful face as they scoop up sand at the beach to make the "little cousins" happy by making them a sand castle.

So this past Sunday I had the most joyous little dejavu moment with my son when Saturday grocery shopping had him begging for storebought pastries. You know the kind. They look so pretty with their glazed icing and their jelly filled centers. When you eat them tho they somehow taste of their cardboard home? I said that I thought they were a waste and did he really want to pay $4.99 for cardboard sugar. He really really did. I said "But I know how to make REAL cinnamon rolls, why should you eat these?" and he said "YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO???" and I said "Yes , have I never made you any?" and then I realized; Oh my God, I havent made so many food things that bring joy to families that my Mom used to make us. Life is such a hurly burly rush and all about nonfat and sugar free and eat healthy that I make salad and veggie and protein meals and no FUN food! No sugar laden gooey treats. Like . Like. Like popcorn balls.
My mom always made popcorn balls!!! Or Rice cripy treats or any of that stuff.

So I got the ingrediants that very day and Sunday woke up and made cinnamon rolls.

He watched that pan of rolls rising like a hawk, kept lifting the towel to peek. Giggled when I slapped his hand from trying to get a finger of cinnamon butter. It was GLEEFUL!

His eyes lit up when I turned over the pan and showed off the bottom that was now the top of brown sugar/butter topping and he ate 4 right in one sitting. FOUR!

My heart is STILL swelled up with the joy of that Sunday morning wonderous time. His eyes were saying "Do it again Mama! Do it again!"


And that afternoon in infectious joy he called me to come learn how to play Rock Band. Oh my Oh my I LOVE ROCK BAND. I sing like a horror chic and my character is a bad ass and I am having so much fun with our band touring and singing. I can drum and sing but am a miserable embarrassment on guitar.
But my heart is so full and I am enjoying every single moment with my son as he trudges the line between being a cool teen and letting some family fun capture his heart.


Ok I need some advice: he wants to go back "out" with the girlfriend we dont approve of. Talking and texting like a fiend. We have cojoled, explained, pleaded, and now last night his dad blew up. He asked to go to the movie with "friends" and we said "what friends" and he shrugged "you know, just some friends" and then we demanded WHO? and he named the girl and HER friends. His dad blew up and was saying "why do you insist to hang around this bad girl yadda yadda yadda" and the conversation grew long and HIS CELL PHONE RANG and we all looked at the clock and it was midnight and it was this particular girl.
That is 13 yrs old?
So his Dad went ballistic and said he could NEVER go to the movies if she was any where NEAR the theatre and on and on.
Now: I KNOW that is not the right tactic: Demanding no contact since she is aggressive and will sneak, she has before.
But HOW how how do we make him see she is BAD news?
ugh!!! ANy suggestions from your past experience?????

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Fathers Holiday

I actually like holidays especially the ones that people in a grumbly mood call "Hallmark Holidays". I love Fathers day, Best Friends Day, Grandparents day, Secretary's day and all the other ones. All 'new' holidays. I love giving better than recieving. I'm not so good at recieving. I never get what I hope for, well thats not true. A couple of times I have been completely brought to my knees by my husbands gift but it happened basically twice in the past 20 years.

I dont get much really for Mothers Day. I have gotten breakfast of toast and eggs in bed before, that was cute, yeah, but really? c'mon, I totally had to go grocery shopping the day before for the stuff and set the alarms in my sons and our room and the pretend to sleep through all that noise and clatter.....bah humbug!
I prefer handmade gifts or gifts I have in my mind that you ask me what I want and then you get them. In my family this doesnt work but I keep hoping that the hint bombs I drop might result in a real actual gift in my hand instead of my mind. Or perhaps the pictures CUT OUT AND MAGNETED TO THE REFRIDGERATOR DOOR might prompt the actual item. I've even left torn out pictures or printed out pictures from the computer in the bathroom to give hints, none have worked. Can you tell me how to get these hints accross? Are you a better reciever than I am? I guess I am not grateful for the gifts I get enough. Perhaps thats it.

One year for Mothers Day I got forgotten and then when I couldnt hold it in any longer and I was in complete tears and slamming stuff and bitchy as heck, my husband declared that he and our son had to run to the nearby gas station for cigs. 'Yeah right my ass' I thought. I was so hate filled and hurt. "who wants your stupid gift now" I kept thinking the whole 2 hours it took to go on their secret "cigarette getting" mission.
They came home all smiles and said "We brought you a suprise Mommy!!!" then my heart melted and I was forgiving and smiley again.
It was items in a Wallmart bag. Back when they were blue with yellow smileys on them. Not wrapped. Oh and groceries? There were two grocery store bags too?!
They made me sit down and hold out my arms and they put a box in my hand, It was freezing cold!!! I opened my eyes to ...................
ICE CREAM! I got a box of ice cream! ..............oh wait, there were more things. Chocolate syrup. Strawberry powder with a bunny on the box. Milk. and from Walmart???? My lovely gift?
A blender.
I looked up in disbelief. My husband says all sugary; "Oh I couldnt think what to get and I was walking around Walmart and our son said 'Lets get a milkshake and walk around, I'm thirsty' and then DUH! I thought to myself LETS GET MOMMY STUFF TO MAKE MILKSHAKES FOR EVERYBODY!"

Ok so you so know how that gift giving episode ended dont you?
Not a good day.

I am the sort that months before our anniversary or a hallmark holiday I start planning and thinking and I've made so many amazing and suprise gifts and my husband is totally blown away and brought to tears...........I have done it for years and now I'm afraid I'm resentful. When is it gonna be my turn to get a nice thoughtful gift? It obviously isnt in him to think ahead so maybe my heart should just give up the resentment. *sigh*

Regardless.... This year I thought of a great Father's Day present. My son bought him a gift he will love and then I went and bought a huge frame that had a mat inside of 18 various sized framed holes for pictures. We found in our albums and boxes of pictures and copied and put back 18 pictures and cut them for the frame. Pictures only of Dad and son from birth to now. It came out AMAZINGLY cool and my son was so into making it for his Dad.

I wonder what he will say...............Maybe in his heart he will wish for a milkshake and be done with all the emotional gifts?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

10 Questions

I'm full of it today:

1. Is it me or is Paula Abdul looking younger and younger with every episode of American Idol?

2. Is it me or is it not getting harder and harder to cook full on meals every night? Cooking healthy has taken the wind out of my cooking imagination. I hate cooking now and I find myself making the same 3 chicken dishes. How can I stop making fast dinners when I m starving and so tired?

3. Is it me or are teen girls not bigger chested now than back when I was their age?

4. I have no predjudice in my soul about sexual orientation so this next question is very open hearted and honest. I have noticed that my son has many bisexual friends. Mostly girls. What is that all about? If you go to his MySpace list of friends and read their orientation, the majority list "Bi". I say its a stance, a stance for leaving all the options open. But my son is confused and asks me questions. His own gf says she doesnt care who knows it; shes 'bi' and likes it. Dont you think this is just faze? A "liberation" stance if you will; or do you think there can be THIS many bisexual teenagers? Is bisexual like 'swinging'? A recreational fun choice for now?

5. Is it just me or is it getting harder and harder to parent?

6. Is it just me or is there more and more homework being given every year? I'm beginning to be against homework, summer schooling to get that extra credit or two and all this pressure to BE "AP" or "IB" or whatever is the latest hardest and most impressive. What happened to the old fashioned quest for learning? LEARNING, not just high scores. Showy course loads? For having a kid be a dang kid? My good friends son is in 10th grade and so freaked and stressed right now that I actually butted in and talked to the mom about how stressed their son is with his work load. ummmmmmmm, now THAT relationship is strained and I am so not appreciated now. They feel their kid SHOULD be this pressured to get into Harvard as straight A student in IB courses. I say OMG your kid looks like he's 40 and needs to have some Prozac. HE IS 15 YEARS OLD for cripes sake. Does anyone remember what it was like to be a kid? To be facing a long lazy summer filled with popsicles and lazing around in shorts? Not planning the itinerary for the summer course load and a new college course being offered high schoolers to get ahead on college credits...........WTF? What happened to just waiting for all this stress when we are 30 and have 2.5 kids a dog and a minivan, why the stress at 14,15,16? What will their life be at 30?

7. Is it me or is time going way way too fast?

8. Does anyone else with teens missing sitting on the couch with a good Disney Movie back when their kid was little. I think this is my most missed part of being a mommy of a little tot besides the lap holding.

9. Is it just me that doesnt like the new earing style? I dont want my son to get his ears stretched. How can I tell him it makes me kinda gag to think of him visiting me when he's 45 and he has big holes floppin around in his ears?

10. Is it just me or is this Presidential race already getting on your nerves too?

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Bloop there it is

See My original Bloop post below if you didnt already read it the other day:

My son is a 9th grader, I sit in front of school to drop off and pick up every day. I see so many teens that my head swims, I have to drive 1mph for about 1/2 mile to get passed them each way. They dont look both ways when crossing the street and slap at my truck if I'm an inch too close to where they want to cross, they are like swarming cockroaches around the school and about as obtuse and rude as a group. But that isnt my beef.

Who in the hell is buying these people clothes?

Beter yet;
Who in the hell is DESIGNING these clothes? Skin tight material. Stretchy jeans that look like tights. Tank tops. Ok and I'm talking about the BOYS here!

No joke
ANd dont those kids sagging those tight jeans look like toddlers with a load of crap is sittin in their pants walking around ????
Who thought of THAT cool look?

And whats with all the girls wearing skin tight shirts that roll up over the bloop so that it hangs out over the jeans all bare naked?

And whats with the over sized purses or bags? Little girls wearing giant Santa sacks? I just dont get it.

A customer told me that her daughter FIGHTS to buy a new coach bag so that she has a new one every month.
People!!! If I asked for anything new when I was growing up I got backhanded, how about you?
I know style changes, I know fads and trends will change with the wind but this years fads have me shaking my head in shame.

What do you think? Do you see these teens?When you see their fat hanging out, their expensive bags and their dark rimmed sad soul eyes peeking out, do you not want to hug them and tell them to GO PUT A SHIRT ON!? What are we doing to their psyche by accentuating the bad body areas and makeing them think that how they look is good like that?

*sigh* You tell me.....

Sunday, May 04, 2008


Today was such a PERFECT day! One of which I have not had in a loooooong time!
My son broke up with his girlfriend once and for all. She was a cheating skank, spoiled princess, brat and conniving and obnoxiously rude to me. She was controling, jealous and a sneak. Oh and did you catch on that I didnt approve? She was also predjudiced and a pretentious snob. I dislike all of the above in a person so I have had a hard 7 months dealing with the fact that my son chose to like this person. Of course he didnt see it at all or if he did he chose to ignore it. She cheated on him and he broke up with her last night. He already has girls waiting for this opportunity and is going to another ska concert tonight and meeting one of those little girls in the wings there!!! I am relieved and happy today.
Today was the towns flea market. My son and I go every year. It is "our' thing. My husband detests them. Therefore it was a carefree day digging through cool stuff other people didnt want. I scored some cool stuff and so did my son!!
We finally went to this antiques yard I've wanted to go to for 3 years and I took my son down nostalgia lane with me, everything was either from my parents age or my age. No real ancient antiques, it was cool how facinated he was with everything and how much I forgot, like fabric wrapped cords with their huge ends. There was an old Coke cooler like the stores and gasoline stations had outside and an old lunch box JUST like the one I had, he was just facinated with it all and I had fun showing him stuff.
Perfect perfect day!
Now I take him to his ska concert and my husband and I are meeting for dinner!
I am feeling better too, my antibiotics are kicking in. I had an ear infection and bronchitis...the flu gone bad.
Also...............we managed to suprise the freakin pants of my son on Friday with a suprise birthday party at his favorite sushi restaraunt and 23 kids showed up and yelled suprise when my husband brought him, it was the crowning shining moment of motherhood when I had a gleeful joyous moment watching him during his birthday lunch.
Also, final thing crowning today? My house is clean, my laundry washed AND put away and my life is enjoying a turn for the better, ummmmmmmm I mean; the smoother.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Almond crap

Being Hypothyroid sucks.

There, I got THAT out of the way. I've wanted to post that for a long time. heh. *snarfle*

I have two seperate books going that I'm reading about hypothyroid. All the things that I thought were 'in my head' are not. They are legitimate weird things going on in my body. Like craving cookies. Like desiring naps ......... ALL DAY LONG. Like going postal all over my son and then crying about it for the next two days. Feeling anxious... about everything, my problems,even your problems, even things that arent a problem. yet. sleeping and sleeping and still needing sleep.

But book number two promises "tricks and tips" to help me out of this hell hole. Like eating a high fiber, high protein diet. Staying away from satan. oops I mean; high fructous sugar. Eating raw almonds. They are the nut from the gods.

I have substituted raw almonds for cookies, almonds are expensive as hell. Almost as much as gasoline. If I could shit into my gas tank all this high octaine crap that I'm experiencing wouldnt I be the envy of all?

Its a sad day for me that all I have to brag about is my fancy assed crap.

Friday, April 18, 2008


Ok, I just got back from reading my favorite blogs and I feel like such a drudgy sloggy baggy fat bottom girl.
You know the type of girl I am.

I hate exersize. I hate playing sports, I suck at them. I'm the girl that always got picked last for any sport with my short stubby legs, my pudgy teen self slow to move.

I was good at floor hockey though. I could swing these Irish/Dutch arms sumthin feirce and those other girls were afraid of me. But dodge ball? what a joke. Couldnt throw and had no power behind it. I hated dodge ball, I'd get bruised and was always sitting.

I hated that my mom wouldnt let me shave my legs and I spent most of the PE hours worrying if you could see the hair on my legs. And our school was old school so the girls played while the boys watched and the boys played while the girls watched. How sick is THAT.?

I grew up in the midwest where children were born to love basketball and know what H.O.R.S.E. was before they knew what a 'binky' was. I wasnt born there, I didnt know. Didnt get it.
My parents werent into sports so all this was "ok" with them, I was praised for sitting on the sidelines and reading my books.
There fore;
I still dont move with agility.
Thinking about a marathon or going to the gym or riding a bike for sport makes my head real with horror and amazement that people would want to do that, that someone would go out of their way to show themselves doing a sport in public.

I cant wait to get to my 20 minute mark on the treadmill so this fat ass can go sit in front of the computer reading and doing my bookwork.
But I know this is somehow not right thinking so I bought myself something I've wanted a long time;
I bought a rebounder.
It glares at me from the corner. I can hear it calling me....................... "come to me fat bottom girl................... come jump and be free and happy of those tootsie roll thighs.......... "
But I turn my back on it.
I hunch over my book and munch on my cookies and refuse to even listen to that whispering evilness eminating from it.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The B movie would Enchant me..

You would almost be worth going through the whole goddamn hassle of having another kid at my age just for the chance to watch kid movies again.
I loved settling down to a good kid movie....I feel like I'm missing "Enchanted" "the Bee Movie""Horton Hears a Hoo" and countless others that have slipped by while I'm stuck in teen whirlwind mode..........
And just for your information in case you even care; I miss "Little Bear" ,"Sesame Street" ,""Franklin", "Puzzle Place", :Sponge Bob", "Cat Dog","Rocket Power", and the whole Disney Movie Channel. *sigh* The anticipation of a new "Zeenon" movie or a new "Holloween town" movie. The whole Nickalodeon commercial break addins and game shows.
I miss it all.
I miss the baby routine of lunch with Mr. Rogers and then naptime. I miss the excitement of another Harry Potter movie and gathering all the friends for a movie date and then going out after..........
Now I drop off and pick up at the theatre.
I'm not invited.
They go to thrillers and scarey movies and then talk all during them and then when I ask how the movie was they shrug and say 'It was alright".
I miss the snuggling on the couch with an appreciative 6 year old with bowls of pop corn and anticipation all over thier face. I miss the excitement and the wonder and the fun of a good family movie........
**double sigh***

And going to the new Rambo movie with my husband is fun and all; I mean; after all we ARE together and we ARE holding hands and there IS popcorn after all.
Popcorn, a big pickle, AND hand holding..................... But just between you and me?

I'd rather be with a 7 year old whose whole world is Star Wars and the new movie is about to begin and he's just humming with anticipation, his eyeballs are wide and shining and he's smiling bigger than the cheesiest grin you ever saw.........


I was overjoyed with the subject of one of my taped episodes of Oprah! I just watched. It was a fashion show. The "Sex in the City" acctress, (the one that you can see through; I forget her name) was on hawking her new line of clothes.
Cute trendy city clothes. Yuppywear.You know what I'm talking about; big trendy bags, peddle pushers in either white or khakhi and espidrilles. Only now they call them capries and wedges. They talked about shopping for new clothes for summer and the essentials we need. I almosted deleted but since I've been needing new clothes I stayed tuned:

New clothes and shopping brings me to the next subject, and that is bloop, or bloopage. My son and I came up with the word bloop.
The current style is hip hugging, low rise, low slung shorts and pants and skirts. I valiantly struggled to like them but they all lend themselves to bloop.

Bloop is the area between where pants are supposed to sit which is on the waist line and the area where the current style has them sitting, which is low on the hip area.
That overhang poochy part is bloop.
Bloop is not attractive.
I've heard this area called muffin top, but its still bloop hangin in a muffin top like arrangement over the hipline of the pants.

Everyone wearing this style has bloop showing and we are all into denial and act like we dont see this bloop. Bloop is NOT pleasing to the eye people, I dont care if you try to lead our eyes away from the bloop in the front and on the sides with those thong bikinis and tatoos on the backside by your cleavage but its STILL THERE!!

Bloopage. I so see you all pulling and tugging your shirts down, thats NOT helping either.
Bloop just sits there on top of the hip band of the pants and we all just go about pretending that that 4 inch strip of pant with pockets on it below the belt loops is really your butt.

The real backside starts a good 6 inches above that area. Those are cheeks showing, not your back.

Do you all just ignore this bloopage when buttoning your pants in the morning or are you on tippy toes and sucking in your stomache and do not notice it?

What designer sits there and says "Lets make wide sparkly belts and sparkly hugging shirts for the low slung pants"? I mean whats with all these thin tight shirts that bound back up above the bloop so that it is exposed?

When you sit down and you have to cover your back with your purse because there is cleavage and bloop all over the place do you not think to yourself that you need to call the store and demand more material to be used for pants, or shorts or skirts? Clothing that have waist lines where god intended waist lines to be on the clothes so that you do not have to feel this bloopage going on?

As you know; I have gained weight and I had to actually go shopping for new clothes. In shopping for slacks I have become so frustrated in this hip hugger style that abounds among us. I have no interest in baring my midrif. I have plenty of bloop and I do not intend to show it off, and YES I tried hip hugger shorts in khaki color and camel color and in buff color and there was still bloop. I did indeed complain LOUDLY and with much huff and puff.

I even grabbed the bloop and told the sales lady, "WHERE IN THE HECK IS THIS PART SUPPOSED TO GO???"
I dont quite think she was expecting that.

I only see this style working on people under the age of 15 and those that live in the gym with a handler all day excersizing the hell out of their midriff.
If you have no bloop please go pick out some khaki low slung hip hugging pants and some of those thong thingies and enjoy but as for me, I'm just going with the regular white high rise undergarments and the shorts I found in blue that were the highest waisted I could find.
If you see billowing white instead of bloop please DO NOT TAP ME ON THE SHOULDER, I know that my underclothes are showing and I prefer this. I really really do.
My jiggly parts are meant to be covered and if I have to cover them with billowing white cotton briefs and my pants show this, trust me; I DONT CARE!

But if you are insisting on informing me that my unders are showing:
I of course will turn around and sweetly explain that my tattoo is healing and just as soon as my thong comes back from the dry cleaner I'll be lettin you all see my bloopage but for now its a white surrender flag going on under my shirt.

Our jiggly parts are meant to be squished into pants not sitting on top of them.

The Oprah show I was watching actually emphasised how attractive high waisted pants are on a woman and if Sarah, skinny assed whatshername can hawk a whole line of clothes covering bloopage, please please please lets support her and her new line of clothing!!!!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Love Song

My son wrote a song. WROTE, A, SONG.
He wrote a song for the piano and another piece for the drum to play with it. I sat at the top of the stairs looking down at him playing it last night and figuring the ending and he played over and over. I leaned my head against the banister and just let the tears roll.
After he got up I kissed his cheeks and his forehead.
"That," I told him, "That was a love song straight to my heart."
I remember when you begged for piano lessons. I remember playing chopsticks with you to have fun with you to jolly you through the year you didnt want to play any more. I remember you desperately wanting to play drums. I remember holding you and seeing you grinning as an infant when music played. I KNEW you loved music since you were born. Seeing you create, seeing you create music with your brain and hands spoke to me."
Moments like this send me on a high for weeks.
Love pure. Pride like I've never had.
You cant get it better than that!

Monday, April 07, 2008


I have a confession to make. I am vain. I didnt think so but I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed vain.
If you remember 2 years ago we were hit in this household by the "GREAT MIDLIFE CRISIS".
Not understanding how you got to point B even though you slogged through point A busting your ass and doing everything required of you and being so miserable. Thats pretty much what begins the Midlife Crisis. Being dissatisfied at the Empire you've created.
Having a teenager and getting older sucks. Recognizing your limits and dissatisfaction sucks.
Well..during this whole transition that this wrench threw into our peaceful household, I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was gaining weight, falling asleep at my desk, in the car, taking naps continually and having real depressing thoughts. I was first diagnosed with PMS. yeah *snort* that was an easy diagnosis. But when I started having real panic attacks and ending up inthe Urgent Care or Emergency room thinking I was dying I demanded to be helped. I sat across from one doctor in the Urgant Care one night and told him I wasnt leaving until I got help. He was extremely intuitive and while not mushy or condescending he basically told me to feel my own pulse, it was normal, I wasnt dying of a heart attack. He said panick attacks however ARE the signal that something IS wrong and he ordered a battery of blood work. Like 7 viles.
It was discovered that I was severely hypothyroid and that I was also very anemic. Hense the weight gain and sluggish feeling. Panick attacks and depression are all part of it too. I'm also that delightful age that doctors start using the word "perimenopausal" and "age appropriate vitamins". *shudder* I looked around and realized that my husband was going through his own identity crisis and I was on my own on this monster called "Your metabolism now sucks" and I also noticed that there were lots and lots of cute girlies at our work and now I was the chubby old bag next to them.
I took to the treadmill with a vengeance. Between the thyroid meds, me not eating very much and the walking/exercises, I got down to 120 lbs. I felt better, more confident and was on the mend.............
Fast forward to October of this past year.
My Grandma died, I fell and got severely hurt and work became stressful; I started packing on the pounds, I've told you all this before.
This time I freaked. I went out and got all new makeup. I started wearing vibrant eye shadows. Cuz;you know................I hoped you wouldnt notice my ass growing if my eyes were so amazingly beautiful.
I got hair extensions. yup. *sigh* I did. I hoped that my long tresses would take focus off my widening thighs and hips and I'd be in proportion more.
I got new size large and X-large clothes, hoping that if you didnt see my rolls and my clothes were looser that it would make it all go away. I'm 5 foot even and even the slightest weight gain shows on my chin/neck and butt. I tried all ways of disguising this......
I still hate myself.
But the hair extensions are so fantastically beautiful. But its an extravagance. I dont like spending money on myself. I did it out of desperation so that my husband still thinks of me as a younger more beautiful person. So that I see myself as a more younger beautiful person. I hurt my feelings when I look in the mirror.
Maybe with all this outer camouflage
no one will notice that I'm 151 lbs and have all types of muffin tops and tootsie rolls and backfat and all those other words to discribe excess baggage visibly noticable to the naked eye But the truth is: I still know Im fatter than I've ever been and I'm getting fatter and I hate exercising and I love cookies.
Now Here is the dilemma;
I dont want to spend the money on my hair anymore. I'm sick of it. Sick of the waste. Sick of the lie. I'm a more honest person than this.
But I so am so vain that the idea of taking them out and me going back to my old short hair and pin head with giant hips has tears in my eyes.
When did I get this vain???? Where did this come from? Is this my own version of a midlife crisis?
I look at my long hair via the extensions and my ass just doesnt seem as big, not as noticeable.
Is this truth? What do you think? Be more genuine or go for the camouflage?

Let me ponder this while I'm sitting here
munching on my cookies................

Saturday, April 05, 2008


I just posted this on another blog in response to the question about books that made a difference in our life:

"I LOVE books! All books. Well except for scarey books. I read 5 True Crime books in my 20's in a row and didnt sleep for weeks. I'm going to be 44 and I still remember the terror of those weeks. I could NEVER read past page 2 of a Stephen King book. *shudder* my imagination is too vast. I love non-fiction and read copious amounts of it. I'm trying to sludge my way through this Eckhart Tolle book from Oprahs list and I just DONT GET IT!. Ok I get it but its a long book to just say "Do onto others as you'd have them do unto you".
The books that changed my life was the Anne of Green Gables Series! ...... I read the book "Annie get your gun" one whole night in bed by the light of the street light thru my window in middle school. And the "the Diary of Ann Frank" and Warsaw" in the same manner. My heart opened and I've never been the same since. I'm sure other books along the way changed me too but these stick out in my mind. I'm going to copy and paste this post and post it on my blog until you say I cant since this is a WONDERFUL question and I've pondered it for a very long time since I first read it. I had to think hard...."

What a WONDERFUL question. It took days for me to think of these books And there are more but that post was turning into a book sized answer itself. How about you? What books changed or affected your life?
I read so much non-fiction and self help that I'm sure I've taken twists and turns along the way according the current "advice" I'm recieving via the written word. Like right now I'm also reading the book by Dr. Phil about Families. I'm too lazy to go upstairs and get it to accurately type the title but basically yeah I'm doing things all wrong with my teen. *sigh*
But back to books that changed my life.
I have loved books since the day I met my first one. I read all the books in the "junior" section in the library and had to get special permission from our librarians to start on the adult side. They made me wait A WHOLE YEAR. When I was 14 they allowed me to go on over (but my Grandma got me books out all the time from the adult side, they just didnt know they were for me) and I started at the A's and went on.
I love facts, I love a good "prarie" novel, I love mysteries without gore and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sherlock Holmes and any book by Zane Grey. Shoot em up ol westerns!!! heh. I read "Deception Point" by Dan Brown and almost called in sick from work to finish it as it WAS THAT good!
My son hates to read. It is the one single personality trait that broke my heart into a gazillion pieces when I realized it. I read to him as a child, I read to him every night before bed too!!! He to this day likes being read to but hates reading and hates books. It makes my heart shrivel in pain as I type this. My best friends growing up were books and so I dont understand not loving a book. I will spend all my spending money at a book store and I am addicted to the glossy pages of magazines and have them lying everywhere around me. I am currently addicted to Psychology magazines. Magazines I regularly scope out: "Oprah" (I get this occasionally,nice short articles full of usefull info) "Psychology today", "Scientific American Mind"( my new FAVE), and the "Discovery" magazine is awesome too!! I always get "The Readers Digest" its like comfort food for me. And I get the "National Geographic" occasionally.
I go without food, clothes and the newest shoes and purses because I spend all my money on words..........

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Spring break and Halo in the morning and Halo all night!

This is the first year in many many many years that I have taken off work the week of my son's School Spring Break. Let me tell you what! I'm having fun! I've been totally reconnecting with my son and playing. Yup. I have been playing Halo on line. I suck.
I really really suck at this game. I suck at all first person games and this is a First person game that I REALLY suck at. But I'm still playing and having a blast. My son is having the time of his life laughing at me getting splattered all over the map. I must admit to just plain enjoy this connection we are having at the moment.
I read in Dr. Phils book that in order to connect with a teen or child for that matter we have to play games and sometimes even pick up their lingo so that they feel that we ARE understanding them a bit.
Hence the word suck. My son said he sucks at this game too. So I guess I suck at it in good company. heh.
Playing an online game is kindof nerve wracking. No one knows its me, but it feels like there is more "performance Pressure" or something. Its a funny feeling. Kids who know my son are called "friends" and when friends come on line they start talking and I have to ignore them because I would DIE if they knew it was my sons mom playing, but I just found out that they get pissed at getting dissed' (another teen word meaning disrespected).
Yeah you read that right, people talk to each other on this game and you hear them through a head set. All the people just blurting out on this game. It is so not what I played when I was almost 15. I think I was riding my bike and collecting butterflies and types of ladybugs and riding horses and daydreaming in our big tree while reading Nancy Drew books or some such thing. Perhaps that was 12 and I'm just getting it all mixed up.
Do you play Video games on line?

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Bum wrap

I've been struggling with weight for 3 years now.......I havent "struggled" before. I have been alternately; thin, chubby, average, huge while pregnant and then chubby, average and thin. I yo-yo up and down all the time, always have. I am 5 feet tall and I've been 99 pounds and I've been 184 pounds. But I've never ever felt like I do now.

Now I struggle with self inflicted mortification at my overweightedness. I was 151 pounds in December. Last February I was 120.

The day that my Grandmother died March 7th I started gaining weight in leaps and bounds. I am hypothyroid and stress effects me differently. So do my Mothers cinnamon rolls.

Whatever I eat or stress about sticks on me like glue and my metabolism shuts right off and my body starts 'hoarding' and wont burn off food normally. Of course stress also makes us want to eat more comfort foods. In my case this is cookies and bread. When I went home for my Grandmothers funeral, all the family and emotional stress hit me like a ton of bricks. Work stress was at an all time high at that time and just a few days before she passed away I had fallen while ice skating and ended up in the hospital and suffered from a contusion/concussion and was on heavy painkillers. Painkillers can mess up your metabolism too. I'd rather blame painkillers and stress than the copious amounts of comfort food my Mom was dishing out to all of us while we were there at her house for the kick start of that weight gain.

I am currently at 146. I exersize and walk a mile a day on the treadmill. I keep telling myself its all about being "fit" but I cry in dressing rooms when I get the urge to buy a new outfit. Literally tear up and have to leave the store.

I dont lose this damn just stays there giving me the finger every morning.

I need new work clothes. I want a new skirt that fits me right. (get it; bum wrap.)
But I hate the whole awkwardness of trying on things, getting upset that my ass is larger than I think, the shirts and blouses gape at the button closures, I hate the fact that my upper arms dont fit in some short sleeved things. I agonize over color choices and what I have that can go with what is available and then in the end; I have a handful of clothes I've aganoized over the choices of that all are useless and dont fit and look horrendous on me.

Its self inflicted I know. Its stupid to be this concerned. But I am. It bothers me every second of every day. I struggle with the wrongness of this.

Saturday as we were watching my son perform all I could think about was how huge my ass clomping up and down the bleacher steps was so embarrassing because I felt everyone staring at me. Why do I even think people are that concerned.

Do I stare at people and judge their weight?
Well yes, I must admit I am judgemental. I do compare. I do it mostly to myself though to be completely up front. I look at others but I am judging myself in comparison. But I surely do look. I am so nosey about other people. I check out what they are wearing, what purse they have, how they do their hair, and their weight.

Because of all that judgemental staring; I do know that in all fairness, I am of average weight in comparison to other women of my age. Size 10 on good days and size 12 others.


I prefer to be of the few Moms though that are fantastically thin and toned.....dress in fabulous high heeled boots, amazingly tight jeans with no muffin top in sight, shirts that are cute and in style and walk with confidence and dont appear to be worried that people might notice that they wore their longest shirt to cover their bad assets.

I see these Moms and silently send them kudos. I sure hope they realize how lucky and fabulous they are. Or appear to be.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008


When I was growing up I had one best friend until 3rd grade, another until high school and another from high school until I was an adult..........It isnt that I changed friends three times, I just lost touch with them through moving or school changes.....I didnt have a group of friends. I had a best friend. That was it. I had a couple of girls I hung out with on Sundays or at Bible study but they werent good friends and we had very little in common.....other than our religion or our parents being friends.
My best friends were my everything. And I find it funny that I am still in contact with each one of those girls to this day......I have one best friend now too in adulthood......It seems I'm not a 'gaggle of girls' kind of gal. I like one special friend at a time. Each period of my life is marked with a Best friend. I find that funny too. Funny interesting.

No matter what I do that is new; If I write to a forum or I start a new job or I move to a new neighbor hood I'm always searching for a "kindred spirit" or a new best friend. A new best chum for that period of life I guess. I dont have a sister, I have all brothers. Perhaps I'm searching out a sister type. I find it more interesting that in the one period of my adulthood that I didnt have a best friend I found my husband. He became my best friend and then we married.

My son however has a large group of friends. He always has friends over, friends who want to come over, friends waiting for him, friends calling him and friends all over him. He has to be limited from texting and IMing because he has too many friends that all want a bit of his time.............I LOVE this about my son. I wished for him to have lots of friends. When you have a child with a birth defect of some type, any type, you instantly wonder about his interaction with others and his abitlity to be able to have pals and chums. He has proven that his birht defect is so minimized and in the shadows in comparison to his outstanding charming personality. He wins over people instantly. is the interesting part. He has a best friend always too.......

He has best friend girl friends.
He has tons of chums in boys and girls but he always has a best friend TOO. But its a girl friend. Interesting isnt that?

I admire him greatly in that wherever or whatever he is doing or accomplishing, he wins over others, becomes the leader and he has chums following him everywhere...
Saturday was his first Winter Drumline competition and here he was walking everywhere with a group of kids following him. My heart was THRILLED for him. He doesnt realize how lucky he is to have this charming ability but I know. I am glad for him.

Going through life with good chums, friends and a girlfriend is such a blessing if you will. A good support system. I pray that he keeps good friends and can continue haveing such a good clean group around him. Cross your fingers.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Screemo Music

I appoligize to all of you who love Scream-o music but I have to vent.

I am absolutely terrorized by screamo music. My son is now flirting with loving screamo music. Punk music with tons of vommitting on the microphone sounds. Hard metal rock with screaming parts. All of it makes me have a panic attack.It wafts up my nostrils, curls itself around my ear canals, reaches my brain and I FREAKIN WIG OUT.

My brain shrivels up, hardens and cracks just like when you throw a rock at a mirror.

Do this experiment with me. Take your hand up to your mouth like your holding a microphone. Now pretend you are vomitting your lunch over a toilet bowl. no. LOUDER. Like PUKING YOUR GUTS OUT. Like your stomache is so pissed that it needs to come up and out and eat your lips. THAT is what screamo music is.

I cant listen. I cringe and my heart beats fast and I literally have a panic attack.

My son sticks his ipod earbuds in and thinks I cant tell he's listening. Ummmm Muffled puking is still audible. heh. I yank them out and tell him if he doesnt change the song then I'm deleting his whole itunes list.

Crap that works every time. Back in the olden days my Mom used to threaten "no dessert" as my golden ticket punishment. That was the only one that worked like a magic wand.

I've found my magic wand in the ipod/itunes threat.
Yeahaw praise the Lord.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Dieting with cookies

I'm trying to cut out certain foods in my diet to help me loose this huge caboose Im dragging around.

My husband bought me lovely Victoria Secret Gifts and they are for a much smaller assed woman. I tried to return them but they are on clearance now. He paid 40 some dollars and now they are on sale for $8.49 and I refused to exchange a $40 pair of fancy assed pajamas for one bottle of lip gloss. So I kept them and will try to exchange my ass for smaller size.

But I'm addicted to cookies.
I am trying to cut out all food except cookies. My boobs, feet and wrists are a smaller size now, but my ass is one size bigger.
I think I need to cut out more foods. What do you think?

I cant cut out cookies. My husband just brought home my order of Girl Scout Cookies. Its like sugar fantasy land on my counter right now.

Did I mention that I'm addicted to cookies? I wonder if I can loose weight on a coffee/tea/cookie diet?

Thursday, February 21, 2008


I used the "Grounding" punishment for the first time day before yesterday. I was very very angry and upset and dissappointed with my son and grounded him for a month. From his laptop, girlfriend and movies. He can "lightly" text. I let him keep texting because we can't call him at school.

He has 3 big school projects upcoming and I took Monday off of work so that he had the whole 3 day weekend with the computer and printer and me at his beck and call to help. He is involved in Science Olympiad and also needed to start making the project for Music Science. We were to go to get the supplies during that 3 days also..... He also was to practice his piano and read his required reading.

After School on Friday I picked up his girlfriend and his friends and took them out for tacos because I felt bad that he wouldnt see her for the 3 day weekend but he had so very much to do........
On Saturday he spent so much time on his phone and he kept begging me to let him go at least bowling on Monday. I said no a gajjilion times but dang it I totally caved and gave in to two hours only of bowling on Monday, just to get him off the phone making plans....... IF he got his stuff done.

He farted around the whole 3 days on his phone and IM and making all the plans for the bowling and for the following weekend and then dinked around on his laptop and just basically did nothing but talk and play and make plans for that Monday.

He left for bowling at 11:30 and didnt come back until 4:30, the WHOLE day just gone! poof, the whole weekend GONE and nothing done............ I checked what he had done so far on his reports......just a page ONE PAGE!

He got home and I totally nagged him to hurry up and at least get something done....I went to see how he was doing after 45 minutes and he was texting, playing on his laptop AND talking to his girlfriend on the phone!

Steam was BILLOWING from my ears.
I grounded him for one month to relieve him of the necessity to make plans, waste time worrying if I am or am not going to let him go anywhere and from me having to argue about it all. He needed obviously to be relieved of the obligation to make plans of any sort because he takes hours and days making plans and talking and deciding for that plan.So I said, "You need one month off and I'm giving it to you, you will be restricted from everything that stands in your way of accomplishing your school work and obligations."

Cross your fingers that I stick to it.

See, I grew up in a family that just said no to everything, I was not allowed extra curricular school activities nor was I allowed to do things with my friends. Just NO to everything. I try to be different and allow him to be a normal part of society, I grew up clueless. But then he takes advantage and I blew up........

I want to stick to this punishment though. He spends so much time COMMUNICATING. in all forms..........the rules are so different now than when I was a kid. We didnt have this many devices to communicate.

*sigh* I sincerely want to stick to this one month so he can see how much time he wastes on everything. He said last night that he understood some of the punishment but not the taking away the girlfriend for a month, he even begged me to say yes to her coming over on Friday afternoons and I said no because we are taking up time again argueing about it, just NO for one month. Then I sit in the kitchen and chew all my fingernails off because I worry that I'm too mean and he'll be rebellious later because I crack down too hard. I watch Dr. Phil and see shows on husbands that yell at their wives and then worry that my yelling will be considered mental abuse later or something.

Wish us well.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Rain clouds

Its Raining. Misty rain. drizzle. Its cloudy.
I hate rain. Others find it cozy and comforting but I find it depressing. I get tired and sluggish and morose and quiet and suppressed. Depressed. I hate it.
Today on the way to bring my son to school I passed 2 accidents. Slick roads. Just what I need I sighed. Getting in an accident in the early am with coffee breath, frizzled bed head, raccoon eyes from an unwashed face and my pink fuzzy slippers on. I always forget to put on shoes when we run out of the door in the morning.
I need the sun to come back.

Although as a little bonus to help me through the day, there was a huge arch of a rainbow right over our house. We could see it 3-D as we drove under it. It was a marvel indeed. It was huge and awe inspiring.I've never seen a rainbow that close before. It was almost touchable. It was like driving through a cloud but it was color. If any of you have seen the Disney light show you will know that they show a special type of movie on the spray mist of water...It was just like that, like a projection of color on the rain mist. It was a fantastic way to start the day..........

It almost made up for the fact that my son casually mentioned as we were driving that I needed to give him $500 today for his school band trip..........

I wonder if that is why the OTHER two cars were crashed along side the road too?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentines Day 2008

Valentines Day. Heart Day. Love Day.
I love the whole smarmy cornball day!! I really do!
When my son was little we made Valentines day special by making our own Valentines, making a whole special dinner for Daddy and making special Heart placemats, decorations, menus and calling it "the LOVE CAFE".
Yup, for reals.
My son had this easel type chalkboard and we'd write "the LOVE CAFE" on it and decorate around it with hearts. When my husband would come home we'd turn off all the lights and YELL. "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!" We'd eat by candlelight. My son got such a big kick out of it all. Me too. My husband too. We did it every year.
Until we opened up our own business and then worked until 10pm on Valentines every year. *sigh*
Vent: It burns me up inside when people say that they get so disappointed on holidays when their mate doesnt follow through. Make it big yourself. Do it up right and make the day how you want.
Now my son is a teen with a girlfriend and he wants to spend the day with her.
times change but it shocked me this year when he said he wanted to spend the evening with his girlfriend. I always looked at valentines as somehow a Family Love Day,...
silly mom....
BUT I solved it today with a HUGE SUPRISE ROMANTIC BREAKFAST for everyone with heartshaped pancakes and cards and everything. I hid balloons and flowers last night and got it all out this morning.
My son was thrilled, my husband blown away.
Happy Valentines everyone!!!! Go forth and make it a Love Day!!!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Raising a Teen with love and ska

Oh My God I cant believe I logged in!! I havent been able to log into this account for so long! whaooooooooooooooooooooooo It didnt reject my email password combo making me doubt myself, my handwriting in my notes as to what password went to what. I've tried countless email/password/name combos over the course of the past few months and it was driving me wonkers.
I was giving it one more whirl before I created a whole new one today. I'm a happy camper right now..........ok......more like a happy blogger.

Ok what I was going to name my new blog that I thought I was going to create was "VENTING" and put a disclaimer at the top that any whining and complaining I do or did about my family was not to say I was a hater, but I was just venting. So many blogs I read sound like hatred or anger but I know its all venting.

I've been reading many blogs of late. Clicking randomly on other peoples lists of blogs they read. I didnt find one that dealt with raising teens. Lots of them deal with cute babies or toddlers. Lots of cute baby stories. Lots of rants and ventings. THere are even a TON of homeschooling blogs that do mention raising teens but none with what I was hoping to find. If any of you read a blog about raising teens I'd love to read it.
Please recommend it.

I have a 14 yr old male that I'm raising. He's an only child so of course this puts a different spin on raising him too. He gets the best and worst of Mom and Dad. Too much attention to his trivia.
Poor guy.

But then! He also gets first pick at everything and our yesses out number the no's. He gets all the attention that I see lacking sometimes in his friends households when frazzled parents have to divide what little attention they have to give among many.

The latest household drama: Ska. Skanking. Punk. Drums. Interpertive dance.

Let me expalain; Ska is a type of music, you can google it or go here: to see what it is. The written explanation doesnt do it justice because it is really from what I've heard more like jazzy punk music but little screaming. Punk has more screaming and way more cuss words. I'm not a fan of listening to the screaming into a mike. I'm sorry if that upsets you fans of the screaming part but there it is. It sounds like vomitting to me. I am a loud vomitter. It reminds me of me with the stomache flu with great music in the background.
I took my son to his first ska punk concert last night. I LOVED it. I truly did. I did not like the vulger word/screamfest that some bands did but I did like the punk music and ska music. YouTube it if you must have examples. I stayed and scoped out what it was all about. I refused to just drop him and his friends off.

I didnt like the screamo songs and when bands sing with lots of cuss words I laugh. The bands last night were local garage bands playing for local teens so of course the lyrics were a bit unoriginal and kind of imature. But it made me laugh out loud how often they swore. I giggled at them, it was like they put every swear word they could think of into the song so that they could live it up with out getting in trouble under the guise of "its just singing".

I'll give you a specific example just to prove I'm not disdaining the punk rock band just because they vomitted alot, I mean, sang alot of screaming songs. 4 of the 5 bands had a song called "I F***ing hate our town" or "F*** our town", and one band had a great vomitting Sex song all about "F***ing P***y" and it was more about the F word than anything because that is the only word I really understood in the whole song. Song? Did I just say song? lordy. But the band playing the music itself was great. Very good for a garage band, I just didnt like the screaming vulgarities.

I guess I'm just old fashioned that way. Just give me non screaming lyrics that I can understand that are missing the F word and I might, just might like the song.

It was in an old VF hall the bands rented. The most amazing part was not the gaggle of children with black rimmed eyes and skinny jeans out smoking weed behind the bushes far into the parking lot, no.........the thing that attacked my heart was the huge amount of teens and preteens SMOKING CIGARETTES. Lordy people! I remember kids walking home from school when I was a kid sneaking some puffs but these kids were devouring these cigarettes in a manner that showed they smoke PACKS not a few puffs!

The interesting thing about being short and rather young looking is that a teen my sons age came right up and asked me for a cigarette!! I stood there stunned like a deer in the headlights, my son just said 'nah we dont have any' and his friend behind me offered her some snacks she had. But it bothers me. Really bothers me. Do these parents NOT SMELL THIS STUFF ON THEIR KIDS???
Am I this naive to not know this about the preteens and teens of ours in the world today? It really really caught me by suprise. The drugs I kinda expected and stayed just to see how inhibited they were in this place, but they all smoked cigarettes outside like old people hanging outside the bar on a Friday night.

The other thing that suprised me? The sheer fun of skanking. YouTube it. Its a fun dance kids do with ska music, its not a mosh pit. It is just like a more elaborate two step dance I guess. I almost got up myself to try it. Almost. But then I remembered that I'm old and my son would have DIED if I did.

But it sure looked fun. I didnt appreciate the kids hitting or pushing the skanking kids, that part of it is odd but that is what they do. And they spin each other and drag each other and bang into each other and fall into a football like huddle laughing through the bruises. Its all rather advanturous to me.
I loved it. Watching it. Feeling the teens exhuberance and all that bottled up energy let loose. God I wish I'd been able to do stuff like that with all my energy when I was a kid.

And yah the kids were glad I stayed if you are wondering. My son is lucky, and we are lucky that he has a tight group of friends that dont do anything to hide from a parent so as resident parent, they were fine with me staying in the back leaning against that ol Veterans Hall wall. By the trash. Until someone hawked a loogie and I almost hurled. I moved. Against another wall. By two boys holding hands and whispering to each other. Then they started spinning each other and giggling. I think they were on something with their shiney eyes and googly smiles. I just sat tight. I was there to watch my boy, but it sure makes me wonder...........

Well that is todays venting.......I hope I can log in again soon and do this again. Heh.

He is still playing drums like a madman and now playing for an interpretive dance group at the college. On trash cans. And PVC tubes. And a car rotor.....Fun adventures ahead!