Sunday, January 16, 2011

Pudge. Bloop. Pooch.

Ah yes, its the middle of January. Its that time again when all the guilt of the past two and a half months of jolly eating starts chiming in my head. I always say I'm not going to care, just enjoy each morsel. Then January 15th rolls around and I have that bloated pooch and the bloop hanging over the waist band and pudge everywhere else and then I feel bad. But this year I noticed that I was feeling a little bit of something else too. Defiance of that guilty feeling.

I also realized that I bought Pop Tarts. Now when you are a 46 year old secreting away a box of pop tarts then you KNOW you have to stop and rethink things. heh.
I realized when I was rethunking... I've been rewarding myself. I 've been eating even more sweets and breads and goodies with a feeling that "oh well, I deserve this since I've had such a rough time".

Thats never good.

I wish I loved the taste of carrots. Rewarding ones self with carrot sticks would be so much nicer to talk about and I wouldnt feel so guilty and POOCHED. I wonder if I dipped carrots in chocolate if that would help?

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Boots to my soul

Yesterday I got a new pair of boots. The process made me feel like a Princess. It was all in how it went 'down' as they say.

Here is the back story.
I have a husband who is amazing. He works hard, is a good provider, has solid loyalty for his family and takes care of many and has a huge heart and can be extraordinarily generous. I have many faults so I am not nit picking but the one fault that hurts me the most is that he has a hard time picking or buying me gifts. He gets almost angry and bitter about the process. When I first got diagnosed with cancer my son suggested that I should get a gift to make me feel better after surgery.....its a very inside family traditional 'joke' of sorts that when he was a child I'd get his mind off of shots or blood work or surgeries by making him think of a gift he wanted after it was done.....the size of gift corresponded to how big the procedure would he told his Dad that I needed a BIG gift. My husband was irritated and grouchy when they went to go get this gift, (my son told me he was pevish and couldnt think of anything so told my son to think of something)They bought me a Wii.

Now here I am with surgery done on one side immobilizing my left side and then on the right they inserted a pic line with is an IV with a tube threaded in my artery on my right side. NOT ABLE TO USE ARMS. Wii is athletic and the use of arms very much needed. I of course was thrilled with the gift and watched my son play it.

At times during this past year I would well up inside with anger and be really bitter because I received no flowers, no cards and no little encouraging presents to cheer up my days as I thought I should get. I would do that for them and have done that for them when they've been ill or had surgeries. It really made me hateful sometimes. Not for long but if I would get mad this subject comes to mind and then I get madder. Not reasonable I know, but there ya go......its the truth. I like little reminders that a person has thought of me. But my husband is incapable of understanding this and really cant fathom why this matters. His love is huge he says and he has given me a nice house and we eat out and I drive the truck of my dreams and we go on vacations. He views these as gifts. Huge gifts. He feels that I should float on the feeling of the huge gift and not worry about stupid things like cards and flowers. He usually has employees or my son pick gifts or cards. Its not that he is trying to be callous, he just has no imagination or patience for it.

I have been on the quest for black suede flat heeled boots to wear with jeans or leggings since 2005. Every time he asks what I want I tell him: flat black suede boots. I have received blue suede shoes, 5 inch high heeled sparkling brown boots to wear to a night club if I ever could stand up longer than 5 minutes in them and went to night clubs, I received high heeled black slipper shoes with rhinestones but no flat black suede boots. I bought myself some brown winter boots but couldn't find black ones the day I needed to buy these boots. I have shown the brown ones to my husband saying "If you ever want to buy me something, I need these in black." I received beige shoes. I think he goes with it in his mind but somehow he sees sparkle and goes for the sparkle.

Yesterday we went to someones house to visit and I wore high heels thinking that I would only be sitting in the car and sitting there so the prettiness factor could outweigh the comfortability factor in my choice of shoes. Do you do that too? Figure out what you will be doing to figure out what shoes, then figure out the outfit to go with the shoes? Well yesterday I calculated that I wouldn't be walking.

We left their house and on the way home my husband on a whim decides to go to the nearest 3 level shopping mall "to walk around and see what has changed". Well as you can imagine my heart plummeted right down to those nasty heels and no support and I said, "I don't know how much walking I can do, but lets start" and then halfway through I said I couldn't go any more and my husband became truly sorrowful and he felt bad and said, "you know what, lets go to the department store and get you some black flat boots, you've always wanted some. " Now this people was amazing that he actually said that, and that he remembered the boots and then that he'd ACT on it.
Then we went to the nearest large dept store and I got the boots!!! And they are so cute, cuter than anything I've ever seen, they even have laces on the back. And he took my shoes and put them in the box and told the lady to let me wear the boots out!!

Boots to sooth the soul!

And my ouchy feet.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

New Year

So the New Year rolled in and its already speeding by......I cannot believe how fast time is flying. All things considered, that is a good thing when going through cancer treatments but not good when your son is biting at the bit to grow up, be gone, fly the coop and be independant. I want time to slow down like in the Matrix movies...slow motion shots of all the good times. He wants it to speed up and be at college already.

Oh dont be mistaken that he is after higher learning already..oh no! He cant wait to live in a dorm, live the college life and experience life without mom hovering over him. I can understand that and want him to have that but it still hurts and I will miss him and worry over him and it will be my undoing when we drop him off at his new home.

Yes I know there will be fun times and that this is what I've been preparing him for since birth but it is still hard. Just sayin'.

Things feel so great now that I'm done with Radiation. I only have chemo once every three weeks and its only Herceptin which reportedly has few if any side effects except rarely. I'm one of those rare people but the side effect on my is like a cold/flu for 3 days so that is NOTHING compared to the ten months before so IM GOOD TO GO!

Now I sit and wait for spring which is "my" season and I cannot wait for it to roll around this year!!

Hope all had a safe and happy and wonderful Holiday with thier families. I say 'safe' since the world has experienced the weirdest weather patterns and I hope all are safe and warm and snug and dry!!

Enjoy the beginning of this great year to come!!!