Thursday, March 20, 2008

Spring break and Halo in the morning and Halo all night!

This is the first year in many many many years that I have taken off work the week of my son's School Spring Break. Let me tell you what! I'm having fun! I've been totally reconnecting with my son and playing. Yup. I have been playing Halo on line. I suck.
I really really suck at this game. I suck at all first person games and this is a First person game that I REALLY suck at. But I'm still playing and having a blast. My son is having the time of his life laughing at me getting splattered all over the map. I must admit to just plain enjoy this connection we are having at the moment.
I read in Dr. Phils book that in order to connect with a teen or child for that matter we have to play games and sometimes even pick up their lingo so that they feel that we ARE understanding them a bit.
Hence the word suck. My son said he sucks at this game too. So I guess I suck at it in good company. heh.
Playing an online game is kindof nerve wracking. No one knows its me, but it feels like there is more "performance Pressure" or something. Its a funny feeling. Kids who know my son are called "friends" and when friends come on line they start talking and I have to ignore them because I would DIE if they knew it was my sons mom playing, but I just found out that they get pissed at getting dissed' (another teen word meaning disrespected).
Yeah you read that right, people talk to each other on this game and you hear them through a head set. All the people just blurting out on this game. It is so not what I played when I was almost 15. I think I was riding my bike and collecting butterflies and types of ladybugs and riding horses and daydreaming in our big tree while reading Nancy Drew books or some such thing. Perhaps that was 12 and I'm just getting it all mixed up.
Do you play Video games on line?

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Bum wrap

I've been struggling with weight for 3 years now.......I havent "struggled" before. I have been alternately; thin, chubby, average, huge while pregnant and then chubby, average and thin. I yo-yo up and down all the time, always have. I am 5 feet tall and I've been 99 pounds and I've been 184 pounds. But I've never ever felt like I do now.

Now I struggle with self inflicted mortification at my overweightedness. I was 151 pounds in December. Last February I was 120.

The day that my Grandmother died March 7th I started gaining weight in leaps and bounds. I am hypothyroid and stress effects me differently. So do my Mothers cinnamon rolls.

Whatever I eat or stress about sticks on me like glue and my metabolism shuts right off and my body starts 'hoarding' and wont burn off food normally. Of course stress also makes us want to eat more comfort foods. In my case this is cookies and bread. When I went home for my Grandmothers funeral, all the family and emotional stress hit me like a ton of bricks. Work stress was at an all time high at that time and just a few days before she passed away I had fallen while ice skating and ended up in the hospital and suffered from a contusion/concussion and was on heavy painkillers. Painkillers can mess up your metabolism too. I'd rather blame painkillers and stress than the copious amounts of comfort food my Mom was dishing out to all of us while we were there at her house for the kick start of that weight gain.

I am currently at 146. I exersize and walk a mile a day on the treadmill. I keep telling myself its all about being "fit" but I cry in dressing rooms when I get the urge to buy a new outfit. Literally tear up and have to leave the store.

I dont lose this damn just stays there giving me the finger every morning.

I need new work clothes. I want a new skirt that fits me right. (get it; bum wrap.)
But I hate the whole awkwardness of trying on things, getting upset that my ass is larger than I think, the shirts and blouses gape at the button closures, I hate the fact that my upper arms dont fit in some short sleeved things. I agonize over color choices and what I have that can go with what is available and then in the end; I have a handful of clothes I've aganoized over the choices of that all are useless and dont fit and look horrendous on me.

Its self inflicted I know. Its stupid to be this concerned. But I am. It bothers me every second of every day. I struggle with the wrongness of this.

Saturday as we were watching my son perform all I could think about was how huge my ass clomping up and down the bleacher steps was so embarrassing because I felt everyone staring at me. Why do I even think people are that concerned.

Do I stare at people and judge their weight?
Well yes, I must admit I am judgemental. I do compare. I do it mostly to myself though to be completely up front. I look at others but I am judging myself in comparison. But I surely do look. I am so nosey about other people. I check out what they are wearing, what purse they have, how they do their hair, and their weight.

Because of all that judgemental staring; I do know that in all fairness, I am of average weight in comparison to other women of my age. Size 10 on good days and size 12 others.


I prefer to be of the few Moms though that are fantastically thin and toned.....dress in fabulous high heeled boots, amazingly tight jeans with no muffin top in sight, shirts that are cute and in style and walk with confidence and dont appear to be worried that people might notice that they wore their longest shirt to cover their bad assets.

I see these Moms and silently send them kudos. I sure hope they realize how lucky and fabulous they are. Or appear to be.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008


When I was growing up I had one best friend until 3rd grade, another until high school and another from high school until I was an adult..........It isnt that I changed friends three times, I just lost touch with them through moving or school changes.....I didnt have a group of friends. I had a best friend. That was it. I had a couple of girls I hung out with on Sundays or at Bible study but they werent good friends and we had very little in common.....other than our religion or our parents being friends.
My best friends were my everything. And I find it funny that I am still in contact with each one of those girls to this day......I have one best friend now too in adulthood......It seems I'm not a 'gaggle of girls' kind of gal. I like one special friend at a time. Each period of my life is marked with a Best friend. I find that funny too. Funny interesting.

No matter what I do that is new; If I write to a forum or I start a new job or I move to a new neighbor hood I'm always searching for a "kindred spirit" or a new best friend. A new best chum for that period of life I guess. I dont have a sister, I have all brothers. Perhaps I'm searching out a sister type. I find it more interesting that in the one period of my adulthood that I didnt have a best friend I found my husband. He became my best friend and then we married.

My son however has a large group of friends. He always has friends over, friends who want to come over, friends waiting for him, friends calling him and friends all over him. He has to be limited from texting and IMing because he has too many friends that all want a bit of his time.............I LOVE this about my son. I wished for him to have lots of friends. When you have a child with a birth defect of some type, any type, you instantly wonder about his interaction with others and his abitlity to be able to have pals and chums. He has proven that his birht defect is so minimized and in the shadows in comparison to his outstanding charming personality. He wins over people instantly. is the interesting part. He has a best friend always too.......

He has best friend girl friends.
He has tons of chums in boys and girls but he always has a best friend TOO. But its a girl friend. Interesting isnt that?

I admire him greatly in that wherever or whatever he is doing or accomplishing, he wins over others, becomes the leader and he has chums following him everywhere...
Saturday was his first Winter Drumline competition and here he was walking everywhere with a group of kids following him. My heart was THRILLED for him. He doesnt realize how lucky he is to have this charming ability but I know. I am glad for him.

Going through life with good chums, friends and a girlfriend is such a blessing if you will. A good support system. I pray that he keeps good friends and can continue haveing such a good clean group around him. Cross your fingers.