Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Bum wrap

I've been struggling with weight for 3 years now.......I havent "struggled" before. I have been alternately; thin, chubby, average, huge while pregnant and then chubby, average and thin. I yo-yo up and down all the time, always have. I am 5 feet tall and I've been 99 pounds and I've been 184 pounds. But I've never ever felt like I do now.

Now I struggle with self inflicted mortification at my overweightedness. I was 151 pounds in December. Last February I was 120.

The day that my Grandmother died March 7th I started gaining weight in leaps and bounds. I am hypothyroid and stress effects me differently. So do my Mothers cinnamon rolls.

Whatever I eat or stress about sticks on me like glue and my metabolism shuts right off and my body starts 'hoarding' and wont burn off food normally. Of course stress also makes us want to eat more comfort foods. In my case this is cookies and bread. When I went home for my Grandmothers funeral, all the family and emotional stress hit me like a ton of bricks. Work stress was at an all time high at that time and just a few days before she passed away I had fallen while ice skating and ended up in the hospital and suffered from a contusion/concussion and was on heavy painkillers. Painkillers can mess up your metabolism too. I'd rather blame painkillers and stress than the copious amounts of comfort food my Mom was dishing out to all of us while we were there at her house for the kick start of that weight gain.

I am currently at 146. I exersize and walk a mile a day on the treadmill. I keep telling myself its all about being "fit" but I cry in dressing rooms when I get the urge to buy a new outfit. Literally tear up and have to leave the store.

I dont lose this damn just stays there giving me the finger every morning.

I need new work clothes. I want a new skirt that fits me right. (get it; bum wrap.)
But I hate the whole awkwardness of trying on things, getting upset that my ass is larger than I think, the shirts and blouses gape at the button closures, I hate the fact that my upper arms dont fit in some short sleeved things. I agonize over color choices and what I have that can go with what is available and then in the end; I have a handful of clothes I've aganoized over the choices of that all are useless and dont fit and look horrendous on me.

Its self inflicted I know. Its stupid to be this concerned. But I am. It bothers me every second of every day. I struggle with the wrongness of this.

Saturday as we were watching my son perform all I could think about was how huge my ass clomping up and down the bleacher steps was so embarrassing because I felt everyone staring at me. Why do I even think people are that concerned.

Do I stare at people and judge their weight?
Well yes, I must admit I am judgemental. I do compare. I do it mostly to myself though to be completely up front. I look at others but I am judging myself in comparison. But I surely do look. I am so nosey about other people. I check out what they are wearing, what purse they have, how they do their hair, and their weight.

Because of all that judgemental staring; I do know that in all fairness, I am of average weight in comparison to other women of my age. Size 10 on good days and size 12 others.


I prefer to be of the few Moms though that are fantastically thin and toned.....dress in fabulous high heeled boots, amazingly tight jeans with no muffin top in sight, shirts that are cute and in style and walk with confidence and dont appear to be worried that people might notice that they wore their longest shirt to cover their bad assets.

I see these Moms and silently send them kudos. I sure hope they realize how lucky and fabulous they are. Or appear to be.

1 comment:

Maria said...

Ah, sing it sister....

I was talking to my bff today and mentioned that I felt so fat lately. She (she is tall and reed thin) said,"I have never thought you were fat, but you dress like you think you are..."

That got me thinking. I wear lots of jeans with men's shirts that I wear rolled up.

Sighing. I can't help it. I just feel like a whale this time of year.