Sunday, August 15, 2010
Perhaps the first thing people do when being diagnosed with a life threatening illness is to turn to God. Start praying like crazy to make up for being busy and not paying enough attention to their devotions.
Perhaps bargaining and praying make them feel stronger and less helpless. It wasnt me. It wasnt in me to declare my devotion to God in exchange for my health. I also didnt "why me" it in the beginning either.
I mean; why NOT me?
I'm just a small cog in the larger machine of cancer ridden humans. It happens. It randomly happened to me. Period. Deal and move on.
For sure I wasnt about to beat my fists to my chest and start backpeddling my laxness in prayer by stepping it up and making it up to God in hopes that he'd grant me special healing powers.
The first Get Well Gift I recieved was a Prayer Shawl.
It came with a hand written prayer. It was made while being prayed over by the ladies in the gift-givers church. I was encouraged to wear the shawl and say the prayer.
I stronly feel that the time of my immenent decline in health is not my time to amp up my declaration of devotion to God while wearing a knitted shawl like some proverbial 90 year old shivering woman making supplication to God. Why would he want me NOW. Back in the vibrancy of youth is the time to make supplication to your God, not when you are ill. So I got mad at the Prayer Shawl idea.
Instead I gave the shawl to my girlfriends mother who loved the color of the shawl and she gets chilled in her assisted care living home.
My idea of making up for being busy in my life and not attending to the needs of MY humanness?
I turned to crafts. I used to do them years ago.Before I got too busy to do anything but work and sleep.
I am catching up on my inner creativity. Bringing some vibrancy and fun back into my daily living and encouraging my brain to have something to look forward to. My own kind of idea of what God would think was a good idea to do when ill. I have been crocheting, embroidering, painting and playing with this blog. I say God wanted us to be thankful and motivated, not regretful and guilt ridden.
Look forward, not back.