Saturday, October 30, 2010

The two schlepp to Radioactiveness.

My Radiation process started Friday. My planning appointment and first actual radiation treatment starts Monday.

I am pretty calm about this process, just want to take it one step at a time.

I think I was more apprehensive about getting the flu shot this year.

The actual drag with my Radiation (and people who get my kind of external radiation are not radioactive and dangerous) is that its far far away. My insurance pays for a shuttle that will shlep me from the clinic to the Radiation place and then back to the clinic. Free Shlepping.

So I wonder how THAT part will be. Will be I be overwhelmed by the ickiness of being with other very sick people who need radiation? Will the ride down and back "get" to me? Will I end up makeing it the "Party Bus" and talk and laugh all the way there and back? I'm afraid of getting grossed out by the whole bussing thing. Is that even wrong? Being all obnoxious about having to ride with other cancer patients? In my head its like a prison bus and we all single file line up and get patted down to go strip and get radiated and then schlepp back on the bus like zombies. I guess I really am apprehensive.

Its the unknown. Not knowing how it will be.

My family is tired of me being sick. I can tell. My husband mostly. I dont mean that he has said a WORD or implied that he is. I just know. He is going through work issues that weigh him down and I imagine he would love to scream at me to get my butt in gear and HELP with everything financial and work related. Having half a wife must suck big time. And then not to complain about it, or if you do complain about it you feel like such a creepster. I imagine in his head he feels like screaming. I would.

All my energy is spent going to appointments, keeping up with the laundry and piddly things I do and getting my son's college apps prepared. Picking colleges and filling out endless surveys and paperwork requirements. Gathering papers, college transcripts from his summer courses, letters of recommendation and then endless homework help and scheduling for him. It consumes every drop of energy and I still cook dinners and get the house organized. As much as I can every day.

But its all half of what I wish I could do. He asked me to come up with a great and wonderful brainstorm of ideas for a new campaign for customers, maybe a direct mailer idea. I'm against direct mailers this time and we started discussing it and I just plain got pooped out and just said "whatever you decide, do". I just dont have it in me for hours of ideas just to argue. Not argue, I really mean discuss. We get all animated and excited and pitch ideas and it used to be fun but now I'm just not up for it.

pffft. Just too tired so cant.

I actually felt it yesterday. The beginnings of my mid life crisis.

I just knew that I would when my son was going off to college and I felt with clarity yesterday that I was indeed choked by life.

I felt that feeling of overwhelming angst. The boredom and disgust with the present and the desire to go back and go forward all at the same time. It was just but a moment but I felt it reverberate all through my soul and it made me stand stock still and digest it and know it.

I realized that I must not go back to the old life before cancer struck. I cannot go through the stresses of the former way I led myself. I have to do more for me; more to feed my mind and my soul.

As I go through radiation for the next seven weeks, every single day except weekends, I will need to take this time to come up with a game plan. A mid life crisis Plan. One that will work to the benefit of all that I love, but one that will allow me to be who I should be too.

And one that wont include me on a Harley in black leather with a wedgie from a thong.

1 comment:

Kayte said...

You are doing so wonder you are overwhelmed!! The greatest share of our population is not doing half of what you are doing and they aren't even ill. You have to give yourself credit for all you do, okay? And then you have to say, "That's all I can do right now," and give yourself credit for that as well. You are a hero. Heroes are admired by all the rest of us who never experience it. Of course they are tired of you being ill...the one person they love more than all others is not feeling well and they cannot do a thing about it...just remember that...YOU ARE LOVED BEYOND ALL REASON. If they feel a little tired, it is because they care so mcuh. Hugs for you. And then some more. Come and see me when you are the back of that Harley and we will giggle about the thong.