Monday, April 07, 2008


I have a confession to make. I am vain. I didnt think so but I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed vain.
If you remember 2 years ago we were hit in this household by the "GREAT MIDLIFE CRISIS".
Not understanding how you got to point B even though you slogged through point A busting your ass and doing everything required of you and being so miserable. Thats pretty much what begins the Midlife Crisis. Being dissatisfied at the Empire you've created.
Having a teenager and getting older sucks. Recognizing your limits and dissatisfaction sucks.
Well..during this whole transition that this wrench threw into our peaceful household, I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was gaining weight, falling asleep at my desk, in the car, taking naps continually and having real depressing thoughts. I was first diagnosed with PMS. yeah *snort* that was an easy diagnosis. But when I started having real panic attacks and ending up inthe Urgent Care or Emergency room thinking I was dying I demanded to be helped. I sat across from one doctor in the Urgant Care one night and told him I wasnt leaving until I got help. He was extremely intuitive and while not mushy or condescending he basically told me to feel my own pulse, it was normal, I wasnt dying of a heart attack. He said panick attacks however ARE the signal that something IS wrong and he ordered a battery of blood work. Like 7 viles.
It was discovered that I was severely hypothyroid and that I was also very anemic. Hense the weight gain and sluggish feeling. Panick attacks and depression are all part of it too. I'm also that delightful age that doctors start using the word "perimenopausal" and "age appropriate vitamins". *shudder* I looked around and realized that my husband was going through his own identity crisis and I was on my own on this monster called "Your metabolism now sucks" and I also noticed that there were lots and lots of cute girlies at our work and now I was the chubby old bag next to them.
I took to the treadmill with a vengeance. Between the thyroid meds, me not eating very much and the walking/exercises, I got down to 120 lbs. I felt better, more confident and was on the mend.............
Fast forward to October of this past year.
My Grandma died, I fell and got severely hurt and work became stressful; I started packing on the pounds, I've told you all this before.
This time I freaked. I went out and got all new makeup. I started wearing vibrant eye shadows. Cuz;you know................I hoped you wouldnt notice my ass growing if my eyes were so amazingly beautiful.
I got hair extensions. yup. *sigh* I did. I hoped that my long tresses would take focus off my widening thighs and hips and I'd be in proportion more.
I got new size large and X-large clothes, hoping that if you didnt see my rolls and my clothes were looser that it would make it all go away. I'm 5 foot even and even the slightest weight gain shows on my chin/neck and butt. I tried all ways of disguising this......
I still hate myself.
But the hair extensions are so fantastically beautiful. But its an extravagance. I dont like spending money on myself. I did it out of desperation so that my husband still thinks of me as a younger more beautiful person. So that I see myself as a more younger beautiful person. I hurt my feelings when I look in the mirror.
Maybe with all this outer camouflage
no one will notice that I'm 151 lbs and have all types of muffin tops and tootsie rolls and backfat and all those other words to discribe excess baggage visibly noticable to the naked eye But the truth is: I still know Im fatter than I've ever been and I'm getting fatter and I hate exercising and I love cookies.
Now Here is the dilemma;
I dont want to spend the money on my hair anymore. I'm sick of it. Sick of the waste. Sick of the lie. I'm a more honest person than this.
But I so am so vain that the idea of taking them out and me going back to my old short hair and pin head with giant hips has tears in my eyes.
When did I get this vain???? Where did this come from? Is this my own version of a midlife crisis?
I look at my long hair via the extensions and my ass just doesnt seem as big, not as noticeable.
Is this truth? What do you think? Be more genuine or go for the camouflage?

Let me ponder this while I'm sitting here
munching on my cookies................


Maria said...

The smartest thing I ever did was to cut all my hair off into this Audrey Hepburn thing. It is easy and it looks good.

Try going short....

The Hunter's Wife said...

For a second there I thought I was reading about myself. 43 here, everything has headed to my stomach, hips, thighs. I loved the part about the eyeshadow! I've been growing my hair out and it looks a mess but I can't bring myself to have it cut. It makes me FEEL older and fatter.

One day I will make myself realize I'm not 21 anymore.

Hil The Thrill said...

If the extensions make you feel good, keep 'em! xoxo,hil

pixielyn said...

Maria, I know in my head it will be easier but my heart screams NO!
*sigh* I might consider it for this summer. Maybe after my son gets out of school and all school/social functions are over?

the hunter's wife, Hi! I checked out your blog today, some of the things you write about sound familiar, I wonder if this is an age thing, this feeling? I'm sure it is. Does your long hair make you feel older and fatter or the thought of cutting it?

hil the thrill, they do make me feel good. They really do. That is how I discovered I'm so vain and must be going through a "stage". They make me feel young and "bouncy". If I didnt have to pay for thier upkeep I'd keep em forever. They also arent the greatest thing for my hair. *sigh*

I'll keep you all posted k? thanks for the support, I need all the help I can get with this conundrum.