ok here's the deal. My son is away for 3 days at camp on an island studing marine biology and having the time of his life. I'm weepy and irratable and knarly sad for my baby. Not having any way to call or check on him till he comes back. I'm petulant and not in a good mood.
God what am I going to do when he goes to college? Now I do indeed know why teens turn into monsters, it is so we dont feel like this and instead are so happy for the peace and quiet but right now I dont feel like that.
And if one more person at work tells me that I'm being silly and "but he's haveing fun" I will positively CHOKE them.
I dont care if he's having fun. Well duh I do and I'm glad but right now its about me and this huge chunk of sadness in my heart from missing my son.
And I read this post on Lauras blog about how no one will love her like her Lilly and I cried for like 2 hours and that made it even worse and she's so right.
I adore my son and he loves me like no other and my husband cant even fill that place.
I just want to hug him and call his cell phone and see his smiley face.
*sigh*
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Purple Martinis
Well last Saturday I begged for babysitting and invited my husband out again.
I'm game for dancing and having a drink if he wants to do this now. He is all into the hip hop scene, swingin and swayin and grindin and groovin. I'm trying to keep up to him people. The man is in MOTION. I just want him to know as a partner that I am here, I am with him and I'm game for his adventure into the future.
Our son is baffled. The neighbors though we were going to a lounge not a hip hop club. My friends shriek and giggle "CLUBBING!!???" "YOU are Clubbing?" And they giggle some more until I have to show my booty swingin moves and they fall to the ground in writhing laughter.
Then I get shy and doubt this whole adventure I've taken. heh. But you know what? Friday night we were having ourselves a great "getting the groove on" time even though we were the officially oldest ones in the room including the freakin OWNER of the club.
I had 3 long island ice teas. It took THAT MANY TO get up the courage to try to imitate that booty swingin that goes on.
But when the lady came around to sell roses and little teddy bears, I got both.A white rose and a teddy bear that says "I Love You". Just like a young booty grinding date.
Did you read the part where I had 3 long island ice tea drinks?
I was sick all the next day.
My hip hurt and my knees needed some bengay creme.
My husband was all up and at'em and ready for work dressed to the nines by 10 am the next day and he had already gone out the night before too!!!
Oh.
And yes they had Purple Martinis. They were bitter.
I'm game for dancing and having a drink if he wants to do this now. He is all into the hip hop scene, swingin and swayin and grindin and groovin. I'm trying to keep up to him people. The man is in MOTION. I just want him to know as a partner that I am here, I am with him and I'm game for his adventure into the future.
Our son is baffled. The neighbors though we were going to a lounge not a hip hop club. My friends shriek and giggle "CLUBBING!!???" "YOU are Clubbing?" And they giggle some more until I have to show my booty swingin moves and they fall to the ground in writhing laughter.
Then I get shy and doubt this whole adventure I've taken. heh. But you know what? Friday night we were having ourselves a great "getting the groove on" time even though we were the officially oldest ones in the room including the freakin OWNER of the club.
I had 3 long island ice teas. It took THAT MANY TO get up the courage to try to imitate that booty swingin that goes on.
But when the lady came around to sell roses and little teddy bears, I got both.A white rose and a teddy bear that says "I Love You". Just like a young booty grinding date.
Did you read the part where I had 3 long island ice tea drinks?
I was sick all the next day.
My hip hurt and my knees needed some bengay creme.
My husband was all up and at'em and ready for work dressed to the nines by 10 am the next day and he had already gone out the night before too!!!
Oh.
And yes they had Purple Martinis. They were bitter.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Lets go Disco baby, LETS GO!
Ok so I dont know how many of you have been following along closely but if you have you will have taken note of the fact that my husband and I are going through somewhat of a transition period. We are readjusting to each other. We have a teen son in the house and this has made all kinds of changes in the perspective and attitude of the parental figures.
My husbands new interest lately has been in going out. I call it going out "out" to differentiate from regular going out. Going out as a family or going out to dinner versus going out "out" just the two of us. It has rarely happened. This is a very sad fact that I encourage no one else to let happen. Go out and go OFTEN with your spouse with out kids.
Now let me say this again. My husband has developed the current interest in going out "out". That means to the clubs. To Bars. To Bistros. To Danceclubs. To Dance. To Drink and to dance. Ok did you hear me? To dance. Back in the day they were called 'discos'. My husband before child days would say "Do you want to go to the disco?" and I'd reply yes (usually). Now they do NOT call them discos and when you go out often it is called clubbing. Back in the day; clubbing was something bad hunters did to the heads of bears. Clubbing nowadays is much different than going to the discos back in my day. It is a weekend sport that you do. It has rules today. Back in the day you just had to have cover charge and a nice black outfit and enough money for one drink. You stood or danced or talked or even danced with your girlfriends if without a guy.
Today you must be bootyliscious. TO JUST GET IN TO THE PLACE>
I'm a little plump but not tiny waisted and bootyliscious. I'm certainly not as boobyliscious as these girls are today either.
Boobaliscious. oh my. Did I just type that? yes! You must have a boobaliscious top on with a killer bra and tiny skirt and thigh high socks or something like that.
Something that shows tight cleavage of the boobs AND YOUR ASS! I cant believe how much cleavage below the belt was necessary for the outfit to be acceptable.
We went to a club together last Saturday night.
yuppers.
I have not often been invited to go with my husband and I asked him to take me out. He asked me to a downtown club and dinner before hand.
People I freaked like it was my first date.!!!
I got that son of mine an overnight sleepover plan in action faster than you could say...... um........... bootyliscious.
Then I dropped him off and went CRAZY all over town trying to find a cute/cool outfit that wouldnt date me nor make me look like a 42 year old in a juniors section outfit.
I ended up with a cute swingy black skirt, high heal black kick ass shoes and a cream halter top with gold threads running through it. It had a satin bow that tied up under the left breast. It was smokin hot on. I took hours with my hair and makeup and really put some "glam" on. I was so excited I was humming AND shaking.
My husband came home with FLOWERS!
shoot.
Flowers.
He took one look at that low cut halter and his eyeballs rolled around and you know what he said? " WHat is all this (waving hand in front of cleavage that hasnt seen daylight since I was in junior high) about?"
Lordy people did I giggle???!! I giggled from that moment on during the whole date.
We went to dinnner, he opened car doors and restaraunt doors for me. I felt like a Princess. I floated on his arm. I really really felt special.
We drove an hour to downtown and parked. Oh my there were many loooong lines of KIDS.
KIDS. OH MY GOD THEY ARE ALL KIDS waiting in line. We were like ancient folk. I bravely put my head up on high and stood by my Man like the proud woman I should be. See; in those lines is lots of men my mans age but with young chicklets. My Man was with an old henlet. I bravely tossed that halters satin bow about a bit more and stood with all the chicklets and waited for the door man to notice my um........... what did I think was going to get us in? ............ Let's See. hmmmmmmmmmm.
See? Now a days atclubs you wait in line unless you know someone inside to get you in or the door man lets you in if you are young, a chic, or have big boobs or a cute tattoo on your ass cleavage. Skirts and boots get you in IF you arent wearing a bra. I noticed that thongs were getting in pretty fast. I had Granny unders on with little hula girls, my maxx risque panties. Hey! What can I say? I didnt KNOW what got me in.... Not that I can do flosswipe on my hiney very well but I'd be game to try if I get to go out again.
You are not going to get into a downtown hot club if you are a guy, a group of guys, flat and ugly or are an older couple out on a date on a saturday night with a yen for the club life again. My husband actually asked the man how we could get into this disco. oh my we stood there a LONG time after that. DISCO? The door man's eyebrows stood up by themselves.
We stood there until there were no more people and we were the last ones. The doorman said "What ARE you waiting for? I'm not letting you in." I said. "We are waiting for you to soften your heart" He unhooked the fat velvet rope and let us in.
It is a whole new world of dancers when you go clubbing instead of going to the disco.
Lets just say that back in the day it was all about big boobs and shoulders swinging and swaying and now you aint nothin' lest you can swing that back end like there is a belly dancer living in your pants.
Good lordy people it took me three rum and cokes to just kind of bounce around amongst all that bootylisciousness. Boobies and booties aflyin and grindin. 4or 5 people all rubbing up and down on each other in some kindof vertical backscratching motion. I had to hold my drink with one hand and my jaw up with the other. I was bouncing and wiggling but I had to stare at hubby to stop from gawking. He was loving it but then it did seem to be a mans dream land kind of place. I swear that there was at least $40,000 worth of Victoria Secret Secrets being shared vividly all over the place.
I had fun. I really did. It was a magical and fun and delightful evening. It was really a wonderful date. We left there at 2, we got home at 3:30 AM . I am still giggling about what happened from 3:30 to 4:30.
I wrote my husband a thank you note yesterday. It WAS THAT GREAT OF A DATE.
My husbands new interest lately has been in going out. I call it going out "out" to differentiate from regular going out. Going out as a family or going out to dinner versus going out "out" just the two of us. It has rarely happened. This is a very sad fact that I encourage no one else to let happen. Go out and go OFTEN with your spouse with out kids.
Now let me say this again. My husband has developed the current interest in going out "out". That means to the clubs. To Bars. To Bistros. To Danceclubs. To Dance. To Drink and to dance. Ok did you hear me? To dance. Back in the day they were called 'discos'. My husband before child days would say "Do you want to go to the disco?" and I'd reply yes (usually). Now they do NOT call them discos and when you go out often it is called clubbing. Back in the day; clubbing was something bad hunters did to the heads of bears. Clubbing nowadays is much different than going to the discos back in my day. It is a weekend sport that you do. It has rules today. Back in the day you just had to have cover charge and a nice black outfit and enough money for one drink. You stood or danced or talked or even danced with your girlfriends if without a guy.
Today you must be bootyliscious. TO JUST GET IN TO THE PLACE>
I'm a little plump but not tiny waisted and bootyliscious. I'm certainly not as boobyliscious as these girls are today either.
Boobaliscious. oh my. Did I just type that? yes! You must have a boobaliscious top on with a killer bra and tiny skirt and thigh high socks or something like that.
Something that shows tight cleavage of the boobs AND YOUR ASS! I cant believe how much cleavage below the belt was necessary for the outfit to be acceptable.
We went to a club together last Saturday night.
yuppers.
I have not often been invited to go with my husband and I asked him to take me out. He asked me to a downtown club and dinner before hand.
People I freaked like it was my first date.!!!
I got that son of mine an overnight sleepover plan in action faster than you could say...... um........... bootyliscious.
Then I dropped him off and went CRAZY all over town trying to find a cute/cool outfit that wouldnt date me nor make me look like a 42 year old in a juniors section outfit.
I ended up with a cute swingy black skirt, high heal black kick ass shoes and a cream halter top with gold threads running through it. It had a satin bow that tied up under the left breast. It was smokin hot on. I took hours with my hair and makeup and really put some "glam" on. I was so excited I was humming AND shaking.
My husband came home with FLOWERS!
shoot.
Flowers.
He took one look at that low cut halter and his eyeballs rolled around and you know what he said? " WHat is all this (waving hand in front of cleavage that hasnt seen daylight since I was in junior high) about?"
Lordy people did I giggle???!! I giggled from that moment on during the whole date.
We went to dinnner, he opened car doors and restaraunt doors for me. I felt like a Princess. I floated on his arm. I really really felt special.
We drove an hour to downtown and parked. Oh my there were many loooong lines of KIDS.
KIDS. OH MY GOD THEY ARE ALL KIDS waiting in line. We were like ancient folk. I bravely put my head up on high and stood by my Man like the proud woman I should be. See; in those lines is lots of men my mans age but with young chicklets. My Man was with an old henlet. I bravely tossed that halters satin bow about a bit more and stood with all the chicklets and waited for the door man to notice my um........... what did I think was going to get us in? ............ Let's See. hmmmmmmmmmm.
See? Now a days atclubs you wait in line unless you know someone inside to get you in or the door man lets you in if you are young, a chic, or have big boobs or a cute tattoo on your ass cleavage. Skirts and boots get you in IF you arent wearing a bra. I noticed that thongs were getting in pretty fast. I had Granny unders on with little hula girls, my maxx risque panties. Hey! What can I say? I didnt KNOW what got me in.... Not that I can do flosswipe on my hiney very well but I'd be game to try if I get to go out again.
You are not going to get into a downtown hot club if you are a guy, a group of guys, flat and ugly or are an older couple out on a date on a saturday night with a yen for the club life again. My husband actually asked the man how we could get into this disco. oh my we stood there a LONG time after that. DISCO? The door man's eyebrows stood up by themselves.
We stood there until there were no more people and we were the last ones. The doorman said "What ARE you waiting for? I'm not letting you in." I said. "We are waiting for you to soften your heart" He unhooked the fat velvet rope and let us in.
It is a whole new world of dancers when you go clubbing instead of going to the disco.
Lets just say that back in the day it was all about big boobs and shoulders swinging and swaying and now you aint nothin' lest you can swing that back end like there is a belly dancer living in your pants.
Good lordy people it took me three rum and cokes to just kind of bounce around amongst all that bootylisciousness. Boobies and booties aflyin and grindin. 4or 5 people all rubbing up and down on each other in some kindof vertical backscratching motion. I had to hold my drink with one hand and my jaw up with the other. I was bouncing and wiggling but I had to stare at hubby to stop from gawking. He was loving it but then it did seem to be a mans dream land kind of place. I swear that there was at least $40,000 worth of Victoria Secret Secrets being shared vividly all over the place.
I had fun. I really did. It was a magical and fun and delightful evening. It was really a wonderful date. We left there at 2, we got home at 3:30 AM . I am still giggling about what happened from 3:30 to 4:30.
I wrote my husband a thank you note yesterday. It WAS THAT GREAT OF A DATE.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Memories
Today is going to be a day of reflection and for many prayer.
A day of communal thoughts regarding terrorism and sorrow and healing. A day of talking about 9/11 and how it affected us.
It will be a long day of emotion.
May the collective thoughts of all of us world wide only further the healing for people who have lost loved ones due to the hand of evil.
I believe that all peoples have good and evil among them. It is only those evil people that should be hated, not any nationality, race, color or creed.
May those who are of a nationality that feel contempt from those who are ignorant receive comfort and peace and love from those who do know better. May those who are ignorant haters actually pay attention today and realize that prejudice is only ignorance and fear and they have nothing to fear.
May the fanatics realize that their higher power wishes them to be peaceful not vengeful.
May all of us realize that today is a lesson day, not a sorrowful day.
Never love anything to the point that you feel it necessary to kill everyone to have enough power to get it.
A day of communal thoughts regarding terrorism and sorrow and healing. A day of talking about 9/11 and how it affected us.
It will be a long day of emotion.
May the collective thoughts of all of us world wide only further the healing for people who have lost loved ones due to the hand of evil.
I believe that all peoples have good and evil among them. It is only those evil people that should be hated, not any nationality, race, color or creed.
May those who are of a nationality that feel contempt from those who are ignorant receive comfort and peace and love from those who do know better. May those who are ignorant haters actually pay attention today and realize that prejudice is only ignorance and fear and they have nothing to fear.
May the fanatics realize that their higher power wishes them to be peaceful not vengeful.
May all of us realize that today is a lesson day, not a sorrowful day.
Never love anything to the point that you feel it necessary to kill everyone to have enough power to get it.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Wrinkle Free
One day about 2 years ago it was pouring rain outside and that made all the kids in the neighborhood come pouring in the house ready to play inside. They were wet and steamy and loud and bored.
After they bounced from games to videos to the computer to the sons room and back again they were really really bored.
I was cleaning house and frantic about the laundry getting done. It was a Saturday and I insist on house cleaning/laundry chores to be accomplished and finished on Saturdays. I was stepping over and around and through children and the house was so vastly untidied faster than I could go back around again and tidy it. All the "vacuum lines" of a freshly vacuumed house were obliterated and it all looked exactly as it did the day before cleaning day and I was getting peeved.
I was just about ready to demand they all go to their individual homes when my son came to me and asked me if they could all play a game of in house "hide and seek". I at first said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" and then of course after much wheedling and whining and cajoling I caved.
It was a bad idea. First they were hiding in our bedrooms. They were in the coat closets, they were under the beds, they were in spare rooms, they were everywhere and into everything and I set some rules down after I found a kid in my room with all the ironing dumped out of the hamper unto their head to "camouflage" themselves. HUH oh! I had it with kids all over and into everything. So I yelled "ONE MORE ROUND of HIDING and that's it!!!"
I scooped up the last heap of dirty clothes to be washed, went downstairs to the laundry room. Opened the washer and saw that there were still wet clothes in there so opened up the dryer. As I opened the dryer door, my sons head pokes out and he yells. "BWWAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAA" really loud in my face from the dryer.
I simutaneously grabbed him by the collar and screamed bloody murder. Tears were coursing down my cheeks and I became breathlessly speechless. The anger and terror beating in my heart overpowered my senses until I literally just saw red. I grabbed that 11 year old kid and threw him from the dryer. I did this all simutaneusly in like about 5 seconds. Scream, grab, throw, cry, shake and press my hand over my beating/pounding heart. All at the same time.
I start screaming at him "WHAT were you thinking???!!! HIDING IN THE DRYER IS DANGEROUS!!" I was so scared for him and angry and scared from the scaring that he did with the "BWWAAHAAAAAAHAAAAA" that I couldn't do anything but knee jerk reaction yelling.
How could he be that dumb to actually hide and close the door of the dryer, what if I'd assumed there were clothes in there and pushed the on button again.
It literally terrified me to the point of my crying and shaking and yelling it over and over, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" Oh and did I mention that this all went on with about 9 kids staring at the wild woman with the spittle and white foam coming out of her mouth?
He kept saying "sorry mommy" "sorry" but It took a good 1/2 hour for the shaking hiney scrunching terrors to go away.
Later on after everything settled down, kids all gone, my son sitting on couch watching TV, I went in to talk to him about the dangers that little hiding place posed and I "yadda yadda..... dangerous.........heat......tossing and turning....blah blah blah....broken arms.....high temps... door locked.....yadda yadda yaddad..." til his eyes glazed over.
I inhaled a breath and he interjected with;
"Yeah, but you were so scared huh? I SO GOT YOU!"
After they bounced from games to videos to the computer to the sons room and back again they were really really bored.
I was cleaning house and frantic about the laundry getting done. It was a Saturday and I insist on house cleaning/laundry chores to be accomplished and finished on Saturdays. I was stepping over and around and through children and the house was so vastly untidied faster than I could go back around again and tidy it. All the "vacuum lines" of a freshly vacuumed house were obliterated and it all looked exactly as it did the day before cleaning day and I was getting peeved.
I was just about ready to demand they all go to their individual homes when my son came to me and asked me if they could all play a game of in house "hide and seek". I at first said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" and then of course after much wheedling and whining and cajoling I caved.
It was a bad idea. First they were hiding in our bedrooms. They were in the coat closets, they were under the beds, they were in spare rooms, they were everywhere and into everything and I set some rules down after I found a kid in my room with all the ironing dumped out of the hamper unto their head to "camouflage" themselves. HUH oh! I had it with kids all over and into everything. So I yelled "ONE MORE ROUND of HIDING and that's it!!!"
I scooped up the last heap of dirty clothes to be washed, went downstairs to the laundry room. Opened the washer and saw that there were still wet clothes in there so opened up the dryer. As I opened the dryer door, my sons head pokes out and he yells. "BWWAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAA" really loud in my face from the dryer.
I simutaneously grabbed him by the collar and screamed bloody murder. Tears were coursing down my cheeks and I became breathlessly speechless. The anger and terror beating in my heart overpowered my senses until I literally just saw red. I grabbed that 11 year old kid and threw him from the dryer. I did this all simutaneusly in like about 5 seconds. Scream, grab, throw, cry, shake and press my hand over my beating/pounding heart. All at the same time.
I start screaming at him "WHAT were you thinking???!!! HIDING IN THE DRYER IS DANGEROUS!!" I was so scared for him and angry and scared from the scaring that he did with the "BWWAAHAAAAAAHAAAAA" that I couldn't do anything but knee jerk reaction yelling.
How could he be that dumb to actually hide and close the door of the dryer, what if I'd assumed there were clothes in there and pushed the on button again.
It literally terrified me to the point of my crying and shaking and yelling it over and over, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" Oh and did I mention that this all went on with about 9 kids staring at the wild woman with the spittle and white foam coming out of her mouth?
He kept saying "sorry mommy" "sorry" but It took a good 1/2 hour for the shaking hiney scrunching terrors to go away.
Later on after everything settled down, kids all gone, my son sitting on couch watching TV, I went in to talk to him about the dangers that little hiding place posed and I "yadda yadda..... dangerous.........heat......tossing and turning....blah blah blah....broken arms.....high temps... door locked.....yadda yadda yaddad..." til his eyes glazed over.
I inhaled a breath and he interjected with;
"Yeah, but you were so scared huh? I SO GOT YOU!"
Saturday, September 09, 2006
College Madam
That would be my Mother.
The College Madam.
The school Grandma.
The cool cat Granny.
My Mother who decided to go to college and university at the ripe old age of Grandmotherhood. My Mom. Yes. That would be my MOM.
This year she is living away from home in a dorm. Her university is too far of a drive. Her children are all up in arms over this. I, the oldest, am appalled. The youngest of my siblings is also apalled. This is just plain shocking to all of us, and we talk constantly about it.
She loves it. She is in her element. She is getting a kick out of going home with her sack of laundry and leaving her dorm all tidy for the weekend home. 3 days later, packing up her car with her books, laptop, and fresh clothes and heading off to school Monday Morning for the week. She loves to study and learn and contribute and write essays and be a part of college life. It has become her career and she is career oriented. A learning career.
Most who encounter her are charmed and proud and greatly impressed. I am ashamed.
Perhaps because I am jealous.
Perhaps though I just want the attention back on us kids and her grandkids where it should be. I am impressed by her but not as proud of her as she would like. She is hurt by this I know. I just shake my head and wish she'd crochet afghans and sew pretty bed quilts and just bake and cook and nurture us. Shis isnt this kind of Grandma however.
Most who hear of her success and dedication are apalled by my disdain. They are envious of her courage and drive. Yes me too I proclaim but I want chocolate chip cookies and Sunday dinners instead. ( Do you hear the whining child in me proclaiming "yeah but..."?)I want my Mom to have a cuddly lap for my son and crocheted slippers to give him. I want recipie sharing and I dont want to hear about her book list and study programs and how she did on her tests, I want her to be thinking about homey things and Grandma things.
I am measuring my Mother by a different yardstick. I am measuring her by my own needs and yearnings. I cant help it. I truly cant get over it. I want to, kind of, because I want to be truly proud of her independance and her absolute determination to finish what she started and I want to be in awe of her smartness and her cleverness. I try. I listen. I hear her. I hear that she is indeed a strong woman and a woman of this century who is going for what she wants and not letting stigma tamp her down. She is attaining what most wish for. She is indeed amazing.My head knows this but my heart has to catch up.
I called home yesterday since I knew she would be home. She was just arriving and kidding and joking around with my Dad. I feel so bad for my Dad. He tells us that without my Mom there to tell him to turn off the tv set and go to bed he nods off and sleeps in his chair until he gets so stiff that he wakes up cold and sore. Then in the wee hours he drags himself to bed. He has learned how to Instant message and my Mom instant messages him while he eats his dinner. How pathetic I think. But they are laughing and he says he is ok with it. He enjoys coming home from his work and setting the table up for my Mom on Fridays. Making her dinner and seeing her arrive in the door. Writing her emails and hearing about her adventures. I think he hates it too but he gets a kick out of my Mom. He realizes she is determined and he has accepted that he cant stand in her way.
I need to adjust to this new picture.
I need to accept the reality of my Mom being the kind of Grandma that she needs to be and not the one I need her to be.
The College Madam.
The school Grandma.
The cool cat Granny.
My Mother who decided to go to college and university at the ripe old age of Grandmotherhood. My Mom. Yes. That would be my MOM.
This year she is living away from home in a dorm. Her university is too far of a drive. Her children are all up in arms over this. I, the oldest, am appalled. The youngest of my siblings is also apalled. This is just plain shocking to all of us, and we talk constantly about it.
She loves it. She is in her element. She is getting a kick out of going home with her sack of laundry and leaving her dorm all tidy for the weekend home. 3 days later, packing up her car with her books, laptop, and fresh clothes and heading off to school Monday Morning for the week. She loves to study and learn and contribute and write essays and be a part of college life. It has become her career and she is career oriented. A learning career.
Most who encounter her are charmed and proud and greatly impressed. I am ashamed.
Perhaps because I am jealous.
Perhaps though I just want the attention back on us kids and her grandkids where it should be. I am impressed by her but not as proud of her as she would like. She is hurt by this I know. I just shake my head and wish she'd crochet afghans and sew pretty bed quilts and just bake and cook and nurture us. Shis isnt this kind of Grandma however.
Most who hear of her success and dedication are apalled by my disdain. They are envious of her courage and drive. Yes me too I proclaim but I want chocolate chip cookies and Sunday dinners instead. ( Do you hear the whining child in me proclaiming "yeah but..."?)I want my Mom to have a cuddly lap for my son and crocheted slippers to give him. I want recipie sharing and I dont want to hear about her book list and study programs and how she did on her tests, I want her to be thinking about homey things and Grandma things.
I am measuring my Mother by a different yardstick. I am measuring her by my own needs and yearnings. I cant help it. I truly cant get over it. I want to, kind of, because I want to be truly proud of her independance and her absolute determination to finish what she started and I want to be in awe of her smartness and her cleverness. I try. I listen. I hear her. I hear that she is indeed a strong woman and a woman of this century who is going for what she wants and not letting stigma tamp her down. She is attaining what most wish for. She is indeed amazing.My head knows this but my heart has to catch up.
I called home yesterday since I knew she would be home. She was just arriving and kidding and joking around with my Dad. I feel so bad for my Dad. He tells us that without my Mom there to tell him to turn off the tv set and go to bed he nods off and sleeps in his chair until he gets so stiff that he wakes up cold and sore. Then in the wee hours he drags himself to bed. He has learned how to Instant message and my Mom instant messages him while he eats his dinner. How pathetic I think. But they are laughing and he says he is ok with it. He enjoys coming home from his work and setting the table up for my Mom on Fridays. Making her dinner and seeing her arrive in the door. Writing her emails and hearing about her adventures. I think he hates it too but he gets a kick out of my Mom. He realizes she is determined and he has accepted that he cant stand in her way.
I need to adjust to this new picture.
I need to accept the reality of my Mom being the kind of Grandma that she needs to be and not the one I need her to be.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Tooth Achies
Sorry I havent kept up on my blog after getting such a great running re-start. I had part 3 of the Great Re-Excavation of Root Canal done last week and I'm grouchy and overworked at the same time. Blogging or thinking of what to blog that is remotely funny or snickerable is beyond my scope of imagination right now.
Other than the nagging migraine in my temporarily capped tooth all is just peachy.
Yeah.
so.
Carry on............... Let me not bother you with the triffles of my irritations....
Happy Labor Day weekend to you all btw. I hope that your teeth arent aching and your family is fully equipped to have the best last barbeque of the year and you are relaxin and chillin and having a grand ol time.
I'll just sit here and drool and baby my tooth achies..............
*sigh*
Other than the nagging migraine in my temporarily capped tooth all is just peachy.
Yeah.
so.
Carry on............... Let me not bother you with the triffles of my irritations....
Happy Labor Day weekend to you all btw. I hope that your teeth arent aching and your family is fully equipped to have the best last barbeque of the year and you are relaxin and chillin and having a grand ol time.
I'll just sit here and drool and baby my tooth achies..............
*sigh*
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